A window, a tree, but no Santa for thee at Macy\u2019s.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In a devastating blow to San Francisco\u2019s already fragile sense of seasonal self-worth, Santa Claus will not be appearing at Macy\u2019s Union Square this year.<\/p>\n
After nearly eight decades of spreading holiday cheer, the retailer announced that St. Nick won\u2019t come to its flagship Union Square location. Instead, he\u2019ll embark on a 12-stop national tour beginning in Boston and concluding Dec. 21 at the chain\u2019s Canoga Park location in Southern California.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Yes, Santa is coming to Canoga Park, and not to San Francisco.<\/p>\n
When asked why Santa will not be gracing the city with his presence (presents?), a Macy\u2019s spokesperson cited vague language about bringing Santa to \u201ccommunities he hasn\u2019t had a chance to appear in before.\u201d<\/p>\n
However, sources close to the jolly man\u2019s inner circle offered some cookie crumbs of information as to why Santa is shirking San Francisco. <\/p>\n
There were concerns that he would ask children to fund his seed-stage AI startup. Rumors abound that Santa is part of the wave of wannabe founders<\/a> looking for capital for an AI-based side hustle. All he needs is $5 million to fund an AI agent that automates the tiresome process of holiday cheer.\u00a0<\/p>\n The sixth-floor chimney was cited as a fire code violation. Inspectors determined that 80 years of soot accumulation violated at least 12 statutes. Unfortunately, Santa\u2019s budget doesn\u2019t include funds for fireproofing<\/a>.<\/p>\n A union rep demanded better working conditions. After decades of sitting on wooden chairs while children kicked him in the shins, Santa and his representative successfully negotiated for what insiders describe as a \u201croad tour with per diem.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n He is a Beya Alcaraz booster. Santa\u2019s endorsement was one of the few qualifications the 29-year-old<\/a> had for her brief tenure as District 4 supervisor. A source close to the San Francisco SPCA, which books shelter animals\u2019 holiday window appearances (opens in new tab)<\/a>, barked twice when asked for comment.\u00a0<\/p>\n Macy\u2019s discovered that Santa hadn\u2019t delivered 2.4 million promised wishes since 1947. Accounting found no paper trail. Santa blamed \u201csupply-chain issues.\u201d<\/p>\n He\u2019s busy with the \u201cOne Battle After Another\u201d Oscar campaign after the Christmas Adventurers Club placement. Former associates say the previously jolly St. Nick has \u201cgone full Hollywood\u201d after working with Leonardo DiCaprio and Sean Penn.\u00a0<\/p>\n Climate activists confronted him about his carbon footprint. A reindeer-based delivery system, they argue, contributes to industrial-scale methane emissions. The national tour\u2019s chartered aircraft was not mentioned as a counterpoint.<\/p>\n A focus group indicated that Gen Z children prefer a \u201cSanta-like experience\u201d delivered via TikTok. Two youths used an OpenAI group chat to convince executives that in-person interaction is \u201cmid.\u201d Plus, Santa is kinda freaked out by those AI toys<\/a>.<\/p>\n Macy\u2019s management learned that customers could book mall Santa experiences at 892 other shopping destinations. In the wake of Costco\u2019s in-person dating experience<\/a>, the company decided the long-cuffed-up<\/a> Kris Kringle was just too un-single to mingle.<\/p>\n