It’s fun and silly cold time in Florida! Time to wrap myself in all three of my earthly sweaters. I will light one of two yearly flames inside this dusty fireplace that may have a family of tropical birds inside. How hard can it be, starting a li’l cozy fire? All you need are a few twigs and a lighter. This is how previous generations survived for eons. Starting a fire is a deeply ingrained, primitive skill. Anyone can do it!
Two hours of careful log jostling later
Well, we will have a fire some other time. The important thing is that we don’t turn on the heat because as Floridians, we are robust enough to make it through a chilly night without getting all dramatic.
One hour later
Turn on the #^*% heat before my toes break off like a Kit-Kat.
The next morning
It’s frigid in this house. It must be subarctic outside given that the rest of the country is wrapped in an epic winter storm. Almost every state was supposed to have record lows, so it only makes sense that…
Steps outside
Huh. It’s 83 degrees? Record January heat? A regular beach day, and I am dressed like the specter of Paul Bunyan? Where are my shorts and tank tops?
Steps back into concrete ice box
Maybe I’ll dress in layers.
Three hours later
The house has stabilized into a strange, middling territory bringing out every stale secret. There is zero airflow, only a stagnant blanket of funk. How many dogs live here, anyway? I thought we only had the one. Did we get a rabbit? I’ll open every window and play summery reggae music while the place airs out.
Two hours later
I’m sweating. Should we kayak?
Three hours later
The AC kicked back on! It’s a mildly warm Florida evening, the weather we live for, a chance to throw dinner on the grill and crack a cold one!
A biblical windstorm strikes with gusts of 40 miles per hour
Why are my fingers bleeding?
The next morning
No. I decline to participate in this game. Nothing good is waiting out there, and I do mean on several levels. It is 38 degrees. That’s 50 degrees colder than two days ago. Our weather has turned into a deranged clown hungry for souls. Denis Phillips says it’s warmer in ALASKA. I’m not getting out of bed. My eyes are sore. I’m going to get the flu.
Smelly dog cries
Fine. Let’s go. Get your dog parka. Do we have an axe? We’re building this fire if it’s the last thing we do.
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