In the pantheon of advice no one will take, here’s a big one: We should stop naming roads and buildings after people.

Roads and buildings should be named for benign, agreeable things. They should be named for natural features, weather patterns, wildlife, colors, regional idiosyncrasies. For instance, if a road runs through a salty marsh, perhaps consider Salty Marsh Road. Bridge goes over blue water? How about — and this is just brainstorming — Blue Water Bridge? A hospital wing dedicated to fighting gout? The Florida Gout Center. Bam.

Landmarks should no longer be named for any member of mankind, a species William Shakespeare reminded us is “moulded out of faults.” And, hey, do not name anything for Shakespeare, either! He’s the king of character defects. Shakespeare could be in the Epstein files.

Please note that this guidance should apply across the spectrum of thought, not just in regards to people you or I don’t personally like. That’s the whole point. Someone somewhere will object toa human honoree more than, say, the grand opening of the Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker Emergency Room.

There is one particular man who loves to put his name on stuff: hotels, steaks, meme coins, performing arts centers. As such, his supporters know the way to his heart is to put his name on stuff. Last month, Pasco County Commission chairperson Jack Mariano suggested renaming Ridge Road as “Trump Road.” This, he said, could lure President Donald Trump to a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

It is patently embarrassing to suggest naming a major corridor extension in hopes that the honoree might grip-and-grin with novelty scissors, but here we are. Mariano went on to suggest renaming Sunlake Boulevard, a serviceable name for a bleak stretch of Pasco sprawl, after Charlie Kirk. That idea walks in spirit with proposed legislation that would make all of Florida’s state universities and colleges rename a thoroughfare after the late activist — or face financial punishment.

I am telling you. There is enough chaos in this world without holding taxpayers by the short hairs and demanding they pay tribute or else while they are trying to get to econ class in sputtering Toyota Tercels.

Of course, the impulse to honor accomplished people is understandable. Recently, Pinellas County commissioners voted to rename the Bayside Bridge the “Dillinger McCabe Bayside Bridge” in remembrance of late Pinellas-Pasco public defender Bob Dillinger and state attorney Bernie McCabe. Both men nobly served their community and deserve recognition, but that bridge name… woo, it’s a mouthful. Thankfully the shorthand “Bayside” stayed in place for when folks are screaming into Siri going 60 miles per hour in Tercels.

Since no one is listening, hear this: Think really hard before tattooing yourself with a celebrity name and/or naming a baby after someone notable. Aside from the fact that you might not like Air Supply in a decade, what if you find out the worst? What if horrific information about Tom Hanks comes to light, even postmortem? There you are, driving precious newborn Tomhanks McGillicuddy over the Tom Hanks Memorial Causeway, birth certificate in hand, when the tribute unravels apace.

I’m not saying I have anything on Tom Hanks, to be legally clear. Tom wouldn’t do that to us. Or would he? You see what I mean?

We can’t take anything for granted, not when everyone has a digital footprint the size of the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, one of the world’s largest bridges, which goes over Lake Pontchartrain. Dig further, and you’ll find that Lake Pontchartrain was named for French nobleman Louis Phélypeaux, Count of Pontchartrain. This could be a red flag, but additional research shows that “pont” is French for “bridge” and “chartrain” relates to the city of Chartres.

Bridge + area = name! What we have here is a foolproof formula since 1699. I look forward our county commissioners not taking up this issue.

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