John Brown has been bedridden in his dorm room because he believes he has no reason to leave. ORACLE GRAPHIC/THOMAS MARRS

John Brown is a capable college student — not on the Dean’s List of Scholars — but capable. 

However, much like Icarus, Brown has flown too close to the sun by attempting what many consider impossible — skip class once, but never again. 

“I’m just not feeling Introduction to Time-Management this week, but I’ll go back next week,” Brown said.

That was during the first week of spring classes in January, but Brown said he hasn’t attended a single Introduction to Time-Management class since then — claiming the class holds no value to him. 

“I’m never going to use it,” Brown said. “When am I going to actually manage my time in the real world?” 

Mouse Jimmy, one of Brown’s friends, said Brown has an addictive personality.

“Before skipping class, it was gambling and before that it was Cutwater,” Jimmy said. “This is just what he does.”

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William Blunder, the Introduction to Time-Management professor, tried to solve Brown’s attendance crisis.

After noticing the lack of physical presence in his class, Blunder created a support group for Brown and other students who repeatedly skipped his class. 

The group meets at 9:30 a.m. on Mondays and Wednesdays in the Business Administration Building.

“The first week of the support group was great,” Blunder said. “Everyone showed up. But after that, everyone began to dwindle off one by one. I was as surprised as you are.”

Blunder then decided to incentivize his students to attend the “students who skip class” support group by creating an attendance survey. 

“About six weeks after the support group started, the attendance survey showed that all 45 students were present,” Blunder said. “Which was weird because only two of us were in the room.”

Shortly after, he created a new support group — the “students who skip the ‘students who skip class support group’ support group,” also known as SWSTSWSCSGSG for long. 

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After attending the first support group meeting, Brown decided he would skip the attendance group once but never again. 

Brown said he has been bedridden in his dorm room ever since he stopped attending the support group —  not due to any ailment, but because he believes he has no reason to leave. 

“I just do day trading all day,” Brown said. “I’ve lost $2,000. It sounds bad, I know, but you have to spend money to make money.”

Brown plans to drop out of college in the summer and live with his parents full-time. 

“I figure I can just take all my support groups online,” Brown said. 

Blunder said he has been deeply frustrated by the perpetual skippers of both his support groups and his classes. 

“I’m just going to cancel class tomorrow,” Blunder said. “Just this once. Never again.”