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In a new column from Dan Savage, a 37-year-old mostly straight guy has kind of a gay problem. Despite having been in a series of committed relationships and currently in one with a woman whom he is serious about, he is seeking advice as someone who has become possessed by the idea of having group sex.
The writer, Caught Out Without A Real Dilemma or COWARD, dreams of MMF or FFM threesomes and sometimes group sex with multiple people of all genders. To make matters worse, his current girlfriend is fresh out of a marriage that ended partially because her ex also wanted group sex while she was not on board. COWARD sees this relationship really taking off but fears that his erotic imagination could cause his girlfriend to run for the hills. Terrified that he is insanely perverted and worried that he is already betraying his new woman just by thinking these things, COWARD has failed to talk to his friends or therapist about the situation.
Being “possessed” by the desire to have group sex is a pretty serious feeling. We want to reiterate: of course, seeking out what Dan categorizes as non-vanilla sexual experiences is normal! But COWARD’s partner/girlfriend has already made it explicitly clear that she is looking for a partner who does NOT seek out sex with other people. Sure, we can say that his feelings and needs and interests re: group sex are valid in a general sense, not taking into account his relationship. But COWARD has agreed to a relationship with this person who was already hurt by this exact situation in the past.
So how compatible are they, really?
COWARD’s partner’s needs, wants, interests re: NOT having group sex are just as valid as COWARD’s competing wants/needs/interests are. Knowing that this incompatibility was previously insurmountable for her, what is there to be done here?
Another question for COWARD’s consideration: are you interested in group sex as a one-time thing to satisfy a curiosity, or as a regular source of pleasure and human connection? If you aren’t sure, would it help to actually have the group sex at least once to answer this question?
If it’s a one-time curiosity, is there not some sort of compromise that you can come to with your partner where you give it a shot to scratch the itch and put it behind you? I think COWARD’s answers to these questions dictate how ought to proceed with the conversation with his partner on the matter.
Dan’s response boils things down to what appears to be two options for COWARD a) you tell her you want group sex, and she runs away from you and eventually forgets about you; or b) you don’t tell her and she finds out on her own and “never forgives you.”
So when one thinks about it that way, it’s almost like COWARD has one option, according to Dan, which is to leave her and have group sex. We (us lady writers and COWARD) are seeking a reality where that isn’t the case. There is a good chance that if COWARD is honest with his partner and comes from a place of understanding his partner’s past, she may be copacetic with what he wants and open to discussing what this means for their relationships. But COWARD can’t be sure of this until he comes clean about what he wants.
Take sex out of this situation for a second and it comes down to something every couple experiences: one person wants one thing and the other person wants something different. How would you compromise if it were anything else? You would probably have an adult conversation about it and try your best to understand where the other person is coming from.
Dan’s PS is a totally agreeable piece of advice though. There are lots of things that can break up a relationship and COWARD’s partner doesn’t sound like she is the kind of person to end a marriage because she was opposed to having anything other than vanilla sex—like he writes, reasons abound for their divorce. I highly doubt she was clutching her pearls. The way her ex went about it was probably what did them in. Asking her the questions that Dan poses could be a great way to start a conversation about how COWARD feels.
“Tell Me About It” is a new, locally-produced column offering alternate responses to the ones Dan Savage presents in his long-running column, which appears in the back of Creative Loafing Tampa Bay’s print issue.
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This article appears in Oct. 01 – 07, 2026.
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