Sure, flamingos are cool and all. The iconic pink birds associated with our finest Target swim trunks have made a Florida comeback thanks to hurricanes pushing them north. Now there’s movement in the Legislature to dethrone the mockingbird as the state bird. Mockingbird asked me to say he has done nothing to deserve this threat of layoff.
Florida’s House voted to establish the American flamingo as the state bird, ushering in many regrettable bird puns in the chambers. If a companion bill doesn’t fall off the branch in Senate committees (here I go), the flamingo could share status with the Florida scrub jay, which would be the state’s official songbird. Once again, the mockingbird wishes to relay that the bill is a “coup” and a “plot by Big Flamingo” and that he can “also sing.”
This is obviously the most important issue of our time, more important than property taxes and storm readiness and misuse of taxpayer funds. As such, let’s slow down (mockingbird is outside my window with a mask on, send help). A host of other birds deserve consideration as they represent uncanny archetypes of this state’s most recognizable humans. To flit:
Roseate Spoonbill
She’s a single mom with two kids, ages 17 and 1. She used to be a mermaid at Weeki Wachee before spraining her hip wriggling out of the tail. Now she works part time at Ulta on Ulmerton Road where shoppers say she has the best blush matching abilities on staff.
Wood Stork
Murmurs abound that he’s an actual dinosaur, which he does not appreciate. He can’t help that he grew up near the coast before SPF was a thing. He meanders the streets all day with no real destination. He is the most mysterious topic in local Facebook groups.
Mangrove Cuckoo
The one who posts “I’m not accusing him of anything, I just like to know who’s wandering through my neighborhood” when the wood stork shows up.
Cedar Waxwing
Seasonal transplant with a fully rehabbed mobile home in an active living community. No, not the kind of mobile home you’d expect. Really nice! Tropical chic! Hardwood floors and all! Cedar waxwing is, however, thinking of selling due to frosty international relations.
Painted Bunting
She’s an art therapist and regular at the Treasure Island drum circle. She’s trying to quit smoking but has just replaced cigs with vapes. Her Toyota Celica is covered in brewery stickers, and she has recently started thinking about investing in a sound bath.
Bald Eagle
She has annual passes to Disney World, and not the cheap ones with blackout dates. Bald eagle arrives in time for rope drop and stays through fireworks. She can explain Lightning Lanes and mobile food ordering with the precision of a PhD candidate. She has found 675 hidden Mickeys on property and has a soft spot for the Hall of Presidents.
American Oystercatcher
He lives on Water Street Tampa in a luxury apartment subsidized by his parents. He has a tech job he can’t really explain. He buys espresso martinis for new women every Friday at Boulon Brasserie even though he is secretly in extreme debt. He drinks protein matcha, dabbles in biohacking and exclusively wears tank tops in the summer. In a few years, he will begin a run for governor.
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