Running off at the typewriter. …
Normally, I don’t want politicians anywhere near sports.
Most of them can’t even manage a budget, much less a football program.
But when it comes to the fiscal lunacy of college coaching contracts — the kind of waste that makes Congress look thrifty — then by all means, hand them a whistle and a headset.
And that’s why Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis should take a page out of Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry’s playbook.
Because Landry just did something downright refreshing: he told LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward that he won’t be allowed to pick the Tigers’ next football coach.
That’s right, the governor is actually benching his athletic director. And after what Woodward’s done, it’s hard to argue.
Woodward’s track record reads like a master class in burning booster money. He’s the guy who hired Jimbo Fisher at Texas A&M — you know, the coach who got fired and still walked away with a record $77 million in contract buyout money. Then Woodward came to LSU, hired Brian Kelly, and when that didn’t work out … boom — another $53 million buyout.
Translation: Woodward’s responsible for more golden parachutes than a skydiving club for failed hedge fund CEOs.
“We are not going down a failed path (again),” Landry declared earlier this week. “The guy that wrote (Kelly’s) contract cost Texas A&M $70-something million. We have a $53 million liability. … Hell, I’ll let Donald Trump select (the next football coach) before I let (Woodward) do it.”
Now, that’s a quote. And while it sounds like classic political theater, Landry’s actually onto something.
Because this isn’t about micromanaging football — it’s about managing money. And when the university in question is a taxpayer-funded institution of higher earning, er, learning, that makes it everyone’s business.
Landry nailed it again when he said, “I’m tired of rewarding failure in this country and leaving the taxpayers to foot the bill.”
Amen.
Gov. DeSantis, are you listening? Because the Gators just paid Billy Napier $21 million to go away, and Florida State is apparently weighing whether to fire Mike Norvell for a cool $54 million.
Universities are crying poor to the state legislature one week and then torching enough cash to fund a new chemistry building the next. Meanwhile, the NCAA is begging Congress for “help” to establish guidelines for paying players. Maybe someone should establish guidelines for paying fired coaches.
So yeah, I’m normally against politicians meddling in sports. But if they’re stepping in to stop the madness — to prevent another 10-year, fully guaranteed, ego-driven buyout bomb — then I’ll hand them the playbook myself.
Kudos to Louisiana’s governor.
And here’s hoping Ron DeSantis is taking notes.
Hey, Guv, Instead of banning books, how about you start banning buyouts! …
Short stuff: I’m thinking about dressing up as something really terrifying for the big Halloween party Friday night. Hey, I think I’ll go as the Magic’s defensive rotations! … I still don’t get why people are calling Game 3 of the World Series — the nearly seven-hour, 18-inning game between the Dodgers and Blue Jays — an instant classic. I call it a Senate filibuster in cleats. … I don’t think University of Florida interim coach Billy Gonzalez has a snowball’s chance in Key West of running the table and being hired as UF’s permanent head coach, but he probably has the same outlook as another Gator interim coach a generation ago. After Galen Hall was fired in 1989 and Gary Darnell was appointed as interim coach, Florida athletic director Bill Arnsparger announced that he would conduct an extensive search. When asked if he was a candidate in Arnsparger’s “national” search, Darnell — a slow-talking country boy from Arkansas – replied: “I’m in the nation, ain’t I?” …
Former NFL star running back Adrian Peterson was arrested on charges of driving while intoxicated earlier this week after police found him asleep behind the wheel of his SUV at a suburban Houston gas station. Peterson was arrested at 9 a.m. on Sunday asleep as his vehicle was running and parked near a gas pump. Peterson’s nickname used to be “All Day” but now, sadly, he’s become All Night. … Only Colorado coach Deion Sanders could compare the impatience in college football to Brazilian butt lifts. When asked about all of the coaching firings and buyouts, Coach Prime replied: “Well, there’s no more patience in this world. Everyone wants the quick fix, the quick things. You got mail-order brides, right? You can get married right away. You can get a BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift). You can come in (to the clinic) flat as I don’t know what and leave thick as a Snicker. Ain’t nobody got no patience no more.” Unfortunately, with the way Deion’s team is playing, BBL doesn’t stand for Brazilian Butt Lift in Boulder, it stands for Big Blowout Loss.
Michael Jordan on NBC earlier this week when asked about the current NBA trend of healthy players not playing because of load management: “You know, I never wanted to miss a game because it was an opportunity to prove. It was something that I felt like the fans were there to watch me play. I want to impress that guy way up on top who probably worked his ass off to get a ticket or to get money to buy the ticket.” Amen, M.J.!!! In today’s world, Jordan’s famous “Flu Game” would have been “DNP – Sniffles.” … Congratulations to Mr. Taylor Swift, er, Travis Kelce, for tying Priest Holmes for the Kansas Chiefs career touchdown record. … Mikey likes: UCF over Baylor by 7 in Upset Special, Georgia over Florida by just 5, Miami over SMU by 9, FSU over Wake Forest by 3, Ravens over Dolphins by 10, Jaguars over Raiders by 7, Swiss Cheese over Magic’s defense by 12 (uncontested layups.).
Last word: “Halloween was confusing to me. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’ ” – Rita Rudner
Email me at mbianchi@orlandosentinel.com. Hit me up on social media @BianchiWrites and listen to my new radio show “Game On” every weekday from 3 to 6 p.m. on FM 96.9, AM 740 and 969TheGame.com/listen