{"id":19070,"date":"2025-10-24T15:57:16","date_gmt":"2025-10-24T15:57:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/19070\/"},"modified":"2025-10-24T15:57:16","modified_gmt":"2025-10-24T15:57:16","slug":"a-meal-at-house-of-food-porn-will-take-years-to-fully-process-review-miami","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/19070\/","title":{"rendered":"A meal at House Of Food Porn will take years to fully process – Review – Miami"},"content":{"rendered":"

You\u2019ve probably driven by House Of Food Porn dozens of times and wondered what exactly goes on in there<\/a>. That same curious itch is what eventually led us to this sushi omakase in Little Haiti that doesn\u2019t serve sushi and is omakase only by the technical definition. After an hour and 46 minutes of punchline-free sex jokes, six baffling courses of food that never asked to be sushi, and a $59 donation to a cat sanctuary, we\u2019ve got answers.\u00a0<\/p>\n

But first, a crash course on House Of Food Porn terminology. They make \u201cshushi\u201d\u2014not sushi\u2014and it\u2019s a surprisingly wholesome origin story for a restaurant that feels like Nosferatu\u2019s chamber of kinks. The chef invented shushi for his mom, who wouldn\u2019t eat raw fish and couldn\u2019t pronounce the word sushi. And so a centuries-old cuisine was reimagined into philly cheesesteak rolls and dense cylinders of a picadillo-like substance.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Restaurant\"Restaurant<\/p>\n

photo credit: Ryan Pfeffer<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

video credit: Mariana Trabanino<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

video credit: Mariana Trabanino<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

video credit: Mariana Trabanino<\/p>\n

\"Philly\"Philly<\/p>\n

photo credit: Ryan Pfeffer<\/p>\n

There are six shushi experiences to choose from, ranging from $105.93 (five courses) to $668.75 (eight courses and a bottle of Dom). All of them with names like \u201cthe kamasutra\u201d or \u201cthe 69\u201d (their happy hour deal priced at $69). We chose \u201cthe quickie\u201d for $159.43, which lasts about two hours and includes five mostly gray\u2014and occasionally sticky\u2014bites that you eat with your hands. Then there\u2019s dessert, and a bottle of their house cab-merlot blend that arrives in an unmarked crystal decanter and admittedly becomes difficult to confidently sip after the chef drops some inappropriate jokes about spiking said wine.<\/p>\n

What, exactly, is in the shushi? You have to guess. The chef, standing proudly in the center of the room like a man who loves secrets, won\u2019t tell you until after you\u2019ve eaten it. Think of it as an omakase in reverse with a looming uncertainty between bites. Some of our courses included: Baked salmon lathered in Boursin cheese with duck breast and foie gras shoved in the center. There was a souffl\u00e9 with a mess of blended-up sea critters (conch, octopus, cod, grouper) and a quail egg thrown into the mix. The only dish we could confirm with our eyes was the philly cheesesteak topped with \u201ctruffle-infused pearls.\u201d We say all of this with only 47% certainty. Although we are 100% certain that none of it tastes very good.<\/p>\n

All of this happens in a single dark room with enough open flames to set the place ablaze with a single misplaced sneeze. Red ceiling drapes hang overhead, framed Playboy posters decorate the black walls, and blood red toilet paper greets you in the bathroom. About 10 guests can fit at the wooden counter, and the crowd, truly unpredictable during our visit, might include repeat customers inexplicably back for more, or vacationing Canadians celebrating a birthday. Who knows. Maybe, like us, they stumbled upon the website and thought, this could be interesting. And, sure. Interesting is one word for it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Luckily, dinner ends on an unexpectedly altruistic note. Your tip at the end of the night goes to the kitten sanctuary the owners help run out of their home. So as you drive home with a lingering aftertaste of lamb, salmon, and philly cheesesteak, just tell yourself it was all for the cats.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Food Rundown\u201cThe Quickie\u201d<\/p>\n

This $159.43 meal consists of six disorienting courses that taste of various mushy meats and fish, all of which are soft enough to break down with your tongue. Dishes might change, but our first course was a picadillo-esque material wrapped in cured veal. Apparently there was eel at the center, too? Then there was a sticky ocean souffl\u00e9 and this swirl of goat and lamb meat stuffed with dates and goat cheese. It\u2019s hard to say for sure. There is no written menu to speak of (and it\u2019s dark in there). For dessert, it\u2019s a mercifully simple bread pudding that behaves more like a muffin. Some of the sillier bites would be easier to chalk up to general silliness if it didn\u2019t cost $160. But none of it\u2019s good, all of it\u2019s sticky, and our favorite part of the meal is getting to wipe our hands with the damp black towel in the end. <\/p>\n

\"Picadillo\"Picadillo<\/p>\n

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