Time capsule: Florida, United States of America, roughly one week in late March\/early April. Do not open this scroll for 100 years.<\/p>\n
Gas in Tampa Bay<\/a> shot up to $4.30 per gallon due to the United States and Israel\u2019s confusing and deeply unpopular war with Iran. Yes, future friends, many people still drive cars powered by fossil fuels. We hope you are having fun in the next century with your electric air buggies or whatnot.<\/p>\n Due to the gas crisis, President Donald Trump\u2019s administration decided the oil industry could drill<\/a> in the Gulf of Mexico with no regard for endangered species. Fragile friends include turtles, birds, corals and the incredibly rare Rice\u2019s whale<\/a>, of which only 50 may be left. What\u2019s the word for solving a problem you created by creating another problem?<\/p>\n Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis<\/a> signed a bill to rename Palm Beach International Airport<\/a> after Trump. DeSantis might want to make another limp run for president<\/a>, you see, so he has to toady up to Trump. The renaming could cost taxpayers millions. Taxpayers, as stated, are broke trying to commute to jobs that barely finance $8 boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios.<\/p>\n Trump\u2019s son Eric posted renderings of the proposed Trump presidential library<\/a> in Miami. The vision includes a freakishly enormous gold statue of Trump with all the subtlety of\u2026 no, there\u2019s no cute joke. It\u2019s deranged. The renderings also feature the $400 million luxury jet Qatar gifted to Trump. Not present in any library images were books. Those used to be collections of pages with words printed on them.<\/p>\n In a move any sentient being could have predicted, Trump fired Tampa woman Pam Bondi<\/a> from her job as U.S. Attorney General most assuredly for failing to make him look good. Future generations, hear this: Do not sacrifice every bit of your moral fiber<\/a> to please a man who would sooner pledge loyalty to a Big Mac. A Big Mac was a sandwich from a restaurant chain called McDonald\u2019s, likely lost in the Armageddon.<\/p>\n Lindsay Graham, a U.S. senator and lover of war and Mickey waffles, found free time during a partial government shutdown to visit Florida, revealing himself as a Disney Adult<\/a>. While unpaid airport security agents have reported selling plasma to keep the lights on, Graham brunched at Chef Mickey\u2019s, rode Space Mountain and strolled through Magic Kingdom clutching a \u201cLittle Mermaid\u201d bubble wand. In khakis, it should be noted.<\/p>\n Former U.S. Rep Matt Gaetz, another Floridian who was Trump\u2019s first, failed choice for Bondi\u2019s job, announced on a podcast<\/a> that he knew of \u201chybrid breeding programs where captured aliens were breeding with humans to create some hybrid race that could engage in intergalactic communication.\u201d At facilities around the country, he said, aliens are mating with migrants and war refugees. Time capsule discoverers: Are you one of the hybrid-human-entity-whatevers? Are you green? Is that just a movie thing? Was \u201cMen in Black\u201d a documentary this whole time?<\/p>\n Speaking of space, a historic journey launched from Kennedy Space Center, instilling awe in all who watched from parks and beaches. NASA\u2019s Artemis II mission, manned by a four-person crew, will travel farther from Earth than ever, past the far side of the moon, into realms unknown. The journey has filled the denizens of our state and nation with a wonder long buried beneath gold leafing and gas fumes. All we had to do was imagine leaving the planet altogether. But you probably already knew that.<\/p>\n Get Stephanie\u2019s newsletter<\/p>\n