I\u2019ve been thinking long and hard about a burning question: If I were to be granted a wish, which superpowers would I want to gain? I\u2019ve been thinking long and hard. In lectures when I was supposed to be taking notes. In the shower. And, in the place where all of my good ideas come together (IYKYK).<\/p>\n
And to be clear, I will not be saving a cat from a tree or doing anything heroic whatsoever. The cat got itself up there; the cat can figure out how to get down. Instead, I\u2019m going to focus on the important things — making life a little bit more convenient for me.<\/p>\n
Invisibility<\/p>\n
Think about it. All the times you\u2019ve walked past someone you only kinda know, but didn\u2019t have the energy to do the whole, \u201cOmg hiiiiii, we should totes hangout girl!\u201d thing with. All of a sudden, you were never walking anywhere close to them.<\/p>\n
Literally any conversation you don\u2019t want to be a part of, you could just POOF and vanish. Imagine the power:<\/p>\n
Chemistry lab teaching assistant: \u201cWas that you who I just saw mixing food coloring in water without goggles??\u201d<\/p>\n
Me: \u201cProlly, yeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chemistry lab teaching assistant: \u201cAnd what is your name, missy\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
POOF. Gone.<\/p>\n
Flying<\/p>\n
God knew I\u2019d be too powerful if I had the ability to fly. I\u2019m already awesome, the universe couldn\u2019t risk making me perfect too. That would be unfair to the rest of you.<\/p>\n
Picture me soaring past you peasants who drop $4 on a sketchy bus ride to get Uptown. I\u2019d use my flight in the most advantageous way possible: Cutting the two-hour Brick line. What\u2019s the bouncer going to do? Reach up? I have the high ground, bucko.<\/p>\n
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No cover for the girl with wings. Seems cool to me. (To my future employer: This is satire. I love Excel and I\u2019ve never actually been outside. Please hire me.)<\/p>\n
Infinite MUlaa<\/p>\n
Oh, the things I could do.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d be the first person in history to look at a Starbucks barista and say, \u201cYes, the $500 upcharge for cold foam is completely fine. Here\u2019s my gold bar.\u201d<\/p>\n
I might even splurge on one of those overpriced fruit cups from Emporium, which contains nothing but two mushy grapes and an apple slice that looks like it\u2019s already been bit in half. Maybe I\u2019d even buy two and leave one on a nearby table to show everyone I\u2019ve truly made it.<\/p>\n
Mind reading<\/p>\n
If you don\u2019t already know by now, chemistry isn\u2019t really my thing. We\u2019ve been going through a very messy, public divorce for a few years now. Since I\u2019m not getting the house or kids, I feel entitled to some sort of compensation, which is why I need the right to read minds.<\/p>\n
Reading minds during an exam wouldn\u2019t be cheating per se, just think of it as\u2026 peer reviewing. If my scantron looks identical to the smartest kid in class, it\u2019s a result of two great minds thinking alike.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Besides, I am a trendsetter. Maybe they were the ones reading my mind. You don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
The verdict<\/p>\n
Let this be a warning that one day when I get superpowers (because I will), I will not be the hero Gotham needs. Everyone knows Batman is real and can handle that himself.<\/p>\n