Dear Eric: I have a neural immune skin issue in which I break out with bumps that scab over and are very sore and painful.<\/p>\n
About a year ago, this condition broke out on my scalp, and it is not healing. I have some areas of alopecia, and the sores are very painful.<\/p>\n
The dermatologist prescribed ultraviolet light treatment to help my scalp. For this treatment, I cut my hair very short on top of my head, so the lights could penetrate to my scalp.<\/p>\n
I belong to a breakfast group of cancer survivors, which I joined to support a member of that group who had had breast cancer. I have never had cancer.<\/p>\n
The thing that\u2019s concerning is that one of the members has told me five times now that I should let my hair grow because it looks better longer. I\u2019ve explained to the group the reason why my hair is short is because of my skin\/scalp issue.<\/p>\n
This does not seem to faze this person, who has taken to discussing it with the whole group when I am not there, saying that my hair doesn\u2019t look good short, that it looks good longer. She still is directly telling me the same.<\/p>\n
What can I say to this person to get her to stop talking to me and others about my short hair? It\u2019s really painful each time she says something to me.<\/p>\n
I like this person and I\u2019m afraid to hurt her feelings. She doesn\u2019t seem to be worried about hurting mine.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Unsolicited Advice<\/p>\n
Dear Advice: Try not to worry too much about hurting her feelings, not as a vindictive act but because her feelings in this matter are her responsibility to manage. What\u2019s most important is that you express your needs with respect to how your body is talked about and you confirm you\u2019re being heard.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d even suggest erring on the side of being a little stern about it. You\u2019ve already explained yourself to her and to the group, something you shouldn\u2019t have to do. That should be the end of it for her. Even if you had no reason for keeping your hair short, it\u2019s frankly none of her business.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s possible that she\u2019s letting some trauma that she\u2019s worked through come out in her opinions about your hair. But, again, that\u2019s something that she needs to deal with on her own.<\/p>\n
One-on-one tell her, \u201cI\u2019ve noticed you make a lot of comments about my hair. I find that hurtful and I don\u2019t think it\u2019s appropriate. This is getting in the way of our relationship, so I\u2019m asking you to stop now. Can you respect my feelings about this?\u201d<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t entertain pushback. The right response from her is, \u201cYou\u2019re right; I should\u2019ve kept my opinions to myself. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dear Eric: I am a widow of 10 years, and I have an opportunity to meet with a gentleman who is 80 and would like to have some sort of relationship with me.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t want to engage in any kind of sexual activity other than maybe kissing but how do I get that message to him?<\/p>\n
\u2013 New Relationship<\/p>\n
Dear Relationship: It\u2019s never too early to communicate your boundaries in a relationship, so I\u2019d suggest telling him directly as soon as feels comfortable. This will set you both up for a healthier and more communicative relationship or will save you from spending time with someone whose values don\u2019t align with yours.<\/p>\n
You can tell him plainly, just like you did in your letter, \u201cI\u2019m interested in exploring a connection with you, but I am not interested in sexual activity. That\u2019s not a point I\u2019m going to budge on. Is that something that you can respect?\u201d<\/p>\n
He may have clarifying questions, which is fine, but you don\u2019t need to apologize or engage with a debate with him about it. You\u2019re not asking for his permission. You\u2019re giving him information about where you are in life and inviting him to be a part of that life.<\/p>\n
If the idea of the conversation gives you pause, you might mediate it by talking on the phone with him first and bringing it up.<\/p>\n
Whichever format you choose, by talking about where you are and what you want, you also give him a chance to share where he\u2019s coming from. It\u2019s entirely possible that he also doesn\u2019t want a sexual relationship.<\/p>\n
When we show up in relationships with open communication and authenticity, we start to clear the path for greater respect, greater connection, and greater trust. By telling this gentleman what you need, you also contribute to an environment where it\u2019s safe for both parties to be vulnerable and to make respectful requests.<\/p>\n
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Eric: I have a neural immune skin issue in which I break out with bumps that scab…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":80954,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[8345,45110,114,139,141,140,109,106],"class_list":["post-227719","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-orlando","tag-advice","tag-asking-eric","tag-latest-headlines","tag-orlando","tag-orlando-headlines","tag-orlando-news","tag-social","tag-things-to-do"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227719","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=227719"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227719\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/80954"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=227719"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=227719"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=227719"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}