{"id":364668,"date":"2026-08-06T21:16:09","date_gmt":"2026-08-06T21:16:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/364668\/"},"modified":"2026-08-06T21:16:09","modified_gmt":"2026-08-06T21:16:09","slug":"why-your-team-sucks-2026-miami-dolphins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/364668\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Miami Dolphins"},"content":{"rendered":"

Some people are fans of the Miami Dolphins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Miami Dolphins. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far\u00a0here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Your team:\u00a0“To win games, you have to win the game, not lose the game, honestly. And that, that is how you lose the game.”<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Your 2025 record:\u00a07-10, featuring a 2-7 start that got Dolphins GM Chris Grier fired after 900 years on the job. Everyone assumed that head coach Mike McDaniel, whose act wore thin faster than Sarah Cooper\u2019s, would get the axe shortly thereafter. But in a stunning display of ownership complacency, McDaniel and his fancy watch collection held onto the job till the bitter end, guiding his charges to five wins in their remaining eight games, putting them out of favorable draft position in the process. Awesome. Kickass. Fuck me with a trident.<\/p>\n

If you recall, the Dolphins were a fun watch right at the beginning of McDaniel\u2019s tenure. They would send five different guys in motion before every snap, and QB Tua Tagovailoa\u2014no longer burdened by having to play for a head coach who actually expected things of him\u2014would get the ball to one of the speed demons populating every skill position group. It was exhilarating while it lasted. The problem is that it lasted for roughly 10 minutes. After that, the whole enterprise took on the sheen of the Jay Fiedler-era Dolphins, only more expensive.<\/p>\n

It certainly wasn\u2019t fun to watch at any point in 2025, either before Grier\u2019s ouster or afterward. The Dolphins were crushed by Daniel Jones in Week 1, with Tagovailoa getting the hook toward the end. The Colts dedicated that victory to Jim Irsay, who is currently up in heaven doing celestial quaaludes with John Belushi. A touching moment for us all.<\/p>\n

Tagovailoa would return to the starting lineup a week later, but it didn\u2019t matter. The Dolphins lost at home to the Patriots, giving Mike Vrabel his first win as Patriots head coach. Vrabel would celebrate the win by hooking up with Dianna Russini behind a neighboring Chili\u2019s. Then Miami lost to Buffalo on a Thursday, when Tagovailoa threw this pick<\/a> in the red zone with three minutes to go. How were you able to intercept that pass so easily, Bills LB Terrel Bernard<\/a>?<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s honestly something that we have seen on tape \u2026 That\u2019s one of their top quick-game concepts. We\u2019re in a three-deep zone and I just saw it and broke on it. So yeah, that\u2019s pretty much it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s pretty much it\u201d could describe every ritualistic humiliation these Dolphins would suffer thereafter, like when they blew a 17-0 lead to Carolina by giving up 200-plus rushing yards to the legendary Rico Dowdle. Or when they went up one point with under a minute to go at home against the Chargers, only to immediately give up a 40-yard kickoff return, followed by this endless catch and run<\/a> by Chargers WR Ladd McConkey to set up a game-winning field goal. Or when Tagovailoa tossed another three picks in a 31-6 loss to Cleveland. In fact, the entire AFC North swept the Fins last season by an aggregate score of 132-48. Tagovailoa was benched late in the year, this time for good, in favor of rookie white flag Quinn Ewers. The Pats would go on to sweep Miami afterward. Arguably the only bright spot the entire year was the brief resurgence of TE Darren Waller, who is currently jobless.<\/p>\n

And with that, the funtime Dolphins were done for good. McDaniel was fired shortly after the season ended. Miami finished 2025 in the bottom 10 for DVOA on both offense and defense. Tagovailoa was released, with his horrifying contract due to clog up the books until the Barron Trump administration. Star wideout and utter shitbag<\/a> Tyreek Hill, who tore up and dislocated his knee in Week 4, ended up getting released. The team\u2019s other star wideout, Jaylen Waddle, was shipped to Denver in a move that may as well have had a WE ARE TANKING NOW memo attached to the paperwork. Let\u2019s find out who\u2019ll be overseeing this new era of Dolphins mediocrity!<\/p>\n

Your coach:\u00a0It\u2019s Jeff Hafley, famous for being the only Green Bay defensive coordinator this century that Packers fans haven\u2019t hated. Hafley will team up with new GM Jon-Eric Sullivan, also fresh from Green Bay, to fashion the Dolphins into a kind of Packers Lite. McDaniel\u2019s zoomer standup energy will now be replaced by a stolid, Midwestern dullness that South Beach denizens will be sure to warm to.<\/p>\n

Your new offensive coordinator is former Texans whiz kid Bobby Slowik, last seen initiating that franchise\u2019s latest effort to murder its own quarterback. Given that Tagovailoa, who would have come to the 2026 Dolphins pre-murdered, is no longer on the roster, Slowik will have to ruin a new QB entirely from scratch. I wonder who\u2019ll be the lucky victim this time!<\/p>\n

Your quarterback:\u00a0It\u2019s yet another Packers castoff in free-agent QB Malik Willis, who shook off a remarkably uneventful tenure in Tennessee by serving as understudy to Jordan Love over the past two years. Willis won the majority of games he played in for Green Bay and completed an astounding 86 percent of his pass attempts last season. Those brief flashes\u2014and they were brief as all hell\u2014were enough to make him the most coveted free-agent QB this past offseason. Analysts thought Willis might fetch upward of $30 million in AAV, maybe even $40 million, wherever he signed. But the Dolphins got him for a virtual bargain. Why? Because Willis remains the poster boy for one of the worst QB classes in modern draft history (2022), and because he attempted all of 89 passes over the past two seasons. The New York Times op-ed section uses bigger sample sizes than the one this man provided.<\/p>\n

In the Dolphins\u2019 case, it hardly made sense for them to sign Willis at any cost, because they\u2019re supposed to be tanking for Arch Manning, a task that QB2 Ewers is much better suited for. Besides, who the fuck is this poor asshole gonna throw to?<\/p>\n

What\u2019s new that sucks: Everything and nothing. Over half of Miami\u2019s cap space for 2026 will be tied up in dead money, with Tagovailoa\u2019s deal representing the largest plot in the cemetery. So say goodbye to underwhelming incumbents like Bradley Chubb, FB Alec Ingold, T Larry Borom, C Liam Eichenberg, P Jake Bailey, S Elijah Campbell, CB Rasul Douglas, LB K.J. Britt, and CB Jack Jones. Here to replace them is a whole new set of underwhelming players in WR Tutu Atwell, P Bradley Pinion, EDGE Josh Uche (who hasn\u2019t been good since Bill Belichick was last in the NFL), S Ronnie (not Rodney) Harrison, legendary Mike Mayock draft bust Clelin Ferrell, and a bunch of other randos. Waddle and S Minkah Fitzpatrick also got traded away, so Miami is left with a roster that\u2019s just as bad as last year\u2019s, only with less name recognition at the top end. You don\u2019t wanna pay attention to this coming Dolphins season any more than Hafley or Sullivan want you to. If team brass could Madden sim all 17 of these games, they\u2019d do it faster than a Florida motorist on the I-95 shoulder.<\/p>\n

But if you have to watch the Fins play football this autumn\u2014perhaps you lost a bet of some sort\u2014there are a few noteworthy places to look. You know those 89 passes that Willis attempted while he was in Green Bay? That\u2019s probably the same number of passes he\u2019ll venture all of this season, with freshly extended RB De’Von Achane forced to run the ball until his knees look like a Tua CT scan. So that\u2019ll goose your fantasy team for a month or two. \u201cBut the Fins also have Ollie Gordon back there!\u201d you might say. Kid, I know a chic fantasy sleeper that becomes a fantasy disappointment when I see one. I thought Shonn Greene would amount to something, too. Doesn\u2019t mean anything.<\/p>\n

Meantime, Miami loaded up over the spring with a whopping 13 draft picks, including first rounders in OT Kadyn Proctor and CB Chris Johnson. They\u2019re gonna need those picks to work, because there\u2019s more dead money on the books in 2027. So if it feels like all of the housecleaning Miami did at the top this offseason didn\u2019t really change anything, it\u2019s because it didn\u2019t. Guess who\u2019s still running everything?<\/p>\n

What has always sucked:\u00a0That\u2019s right, you still got yourselves an owner problem.<\/p>\n

\"\"Kevin C. Cox\/Getty Images<\/p>\n

Even better, Stephen Ross already has a succession plan in mind, and it\u2019s his son-in-law<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Team owner Stephen Ross has named son-in-law Daniel Sillman as the new CEO of Ross Sports & Entertainment, while Dolphins president and CEO Tom Garfinkel steps down after 13 years.<\/p>\n

Sillman, 37\u2026 will have coach Jeff Hafley, general manager Jon-Eric Sullivan and vice president of football operations Brandon Shore reporting directly to him.<\/p>\n

“Danny’s deep familiarity with the organization’s businesses, combined with his experience building globally recognized sports and media companies, uniquely positions him to lead Ross Sports & Entertainment into its next phase of operation,” Ross said in a statement. “He understands our culture, our ambitions, and where we’re headed, and I have complete confidence in his ability to lead the organization into this new era.”<\/p>\n

You\u2019re the only one, you Twilight Zone-looking old fart. Ross has owned the Dolphins outright for nearly 20 years now. In that time, he\u2019s cycled through five different head coaches and 15 different starting quarterbacks. He has never presided over a single playoff victory. In fact, the Dolphins haven\u2019t won a playoff game since 2000. Now he wants you and me to believe that this poor man\u2019s Jeremy Strong<\/a> will somehow usher in an entirely new era of Miami football. I find Sam Altman more believable. I hope Daniel Sillman gets run over by a runaway cigarette boat.<\/p>\n

Miami is just as trash as the rest of Florida, and you should never pretend otherwise. Marco Rubio didn\u2019t rise to power just because folks up in Lake County wanted him to.<\/p>\n

What might not suck:\u00a0Unlike with a lot of other franchises, Arch Manning would come here willingly. So you got that little chit in your back pocket.<\/p>\n

HEAR IT FROM DOLPHINS FANS!<\/p>\n

Pablo:<\/p>\n

This is the organization that played Baja Men\u2019s \u201cWho Let The Dogs Out\u201d for their touchdown celebrations across multiple seasons.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Drew (not me):<\/p>\n

I realized that the happiest moment of my fandom in the 21st century was watching Aaron Rodgers’ blow out his Achilles on his first series for the Jets. A child born on 12\/30\/2000 (the last time the\u00a0Dolphins\u00a0won a playoff game) can now rent a car with no extra paperwork. I hope Tua falls into a bottomless pit Mario-style.<\/p>\n

Amanda:<\/p>\n

I am a Baltimore-residing, Ohio-born\u00a0Dolphins\u00a0fan. My kids\u2019 friends are all rabid Ravens fans. But you know what my six year old wants to wear on goddamn Purple Friday?! The tot sized Tyreek Hill jersey that pop-pop bought for her for Christmas. Fuck me.<\/p>\n

Mike:<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t even have the energy to hate this team anymore. They\u2019ve taken it away from me.<\/p>\n

Steven:<\/p>\n

They worked very hard this offseason to jettison all the existing average players, and to bring in new players with identical qualities but less experience. At least they finally let go of Coach Capri Pants.<\/p>\n

Albert:<\/p>\n

I have spent this summer living in New York as a non-Knicks fan, seeing Knicks fans celebrate their team’s first title in 53 years, and it’s hit me very deeply that this team has also not won a title since ’73, they last appeared in a Super Bowl eight years before I was born, last won a playoff game before 9\/11, and I’m now staring down the barrel of a season with Malik Willis as our QB.<\/p>\n

And I’ll still convince myself to get excited about it. I deserve all those Knicks fans gloating in my face.<\/p>\n

Nick:<\/p>\n

I’d say fuck Tua, but he’d get four concussions and throw a pick-six if you did.<\/p>\n

Ignacio:<\/p>\n

We went from Nerdy Mcfadeyroute and bald ass Chris Grier to the temu Wisconsin version of Beavis and Butthead. I will still watch every second of the 1-16 season that is sure to come.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Kevin:<\/p>\n

I won’t get to enjoy a single Sunday this season, but we’ll always have that NFLPA report card. Fuck me.<\/p>\n

Epicus:<\/p>\n

It’s Year One of a new HC\/QB regime in Miami, again. Expect a dismal start, then a few spirited wins late in the year to provide false hope and cockeyed optimism. This will be followed by a strong start in ’27, followed by a nationally televised beatdown where they’re exposed as frauds, again. They’ll eke out that last WC spot and get pummeled in Baltimore or KC or Buffalo or something. The stakes will be high in ’28, and the\u00a0Dolphins\u00a0will be mediocre and controversy-laden, leading to “hot seat” status for the HC\/QB. And in ’29, they’ll both play themselves out of town, just like always.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Zach:<\/p>\n

How long have the\u00a0Dolphins\u00a0sucked for? There are two nepo baby tight ends in the NFL right now whose dads played on the last\u00a0Dolphins\u00a0team to win a playoff game. They are, in a literal sense, generationally bad. If that’s not a sign it’s time for a franchise to fold I don’t know what is.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Good on them for not drafting a quarterback,\u00a0because they\u00a0can’t do it.<\/p>\n

Also I cannot state enough that Miami is truly one of the worst places on the planet. Every few months there will be a story that comes out about an ICE agent with a Spanish-sounding name doing some evil shit. Some white liberal on Bluesky will act totally perplexed at this, and for a moment I have to be jealous of them because they are fortunate enough to not know about Miami.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Want to be part of Defector\u2019s NFL previews? It\u2019s simple: just email us\u00a0here<\/a>\u00a0and tell us why your team sucks. Next up: Dallas Cowboys.<\/p>\n

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