{"id":89268,"date":"2025-12-19T12:43:16","date_gmt":"2025-12-19T12:43:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/89268\/"},"modified":"2025-12-19T12:43:16","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T12:43:16","slug":"when-do-you-turn-on-the-heat-in-florida","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/89268\/","title":{"rendered":"When do you turn on the heat in Florida?"},"content":{"rendered":"

A version of this column first appeared in Stephinitely<\/a>, a weekly newsletter from columnist Stephanie Hayes featuring a bonus column and behind-the-scenes chatter. Get it in your inbox every Monday<\/a>.<\/p>\n

As you put your sweater off and on three times per day in these confusing temperatures, please enjoy the following Florida holiday quiz. There are no wrong answers other than the answers that are obviously wrong.<\/p>\n

When in Florida winter is the right time to turn on the heat?<\/p>\n

a. As soon as the temperature drops below 74.<\/p>\n

b. From the hours of midnight to 6 a.m. up to but not exceeding five nights per year.<\/p>\n

c. When every member of the household agrees. (This is a fantasy.)<\/p>\n

d. Never. Do not ask. Do not disturb me as I hide in four hoodies, fluffy socks, two pairs of sweatpants and five heavy blankets while cradling a scalding mug of tea and a plate of hot pizza. Leave me to fester gleefully in my dark enterprise, you indolent saplings.<\/p>\n

Name one thing that does not belong in a Florida winter outfit:<\/p>\n

a. A hoodie with the logo of the recreational soccer team your child briefly played on six years ago.<\/p>\n

b. Jorts, any length or wash.<\/p>\n

c. Crocs and\/or Hey Dudes with holiday-themed socks.<\/p>\n

d. All are acceptable, nay, necessary to achieve the official state fashion.<\/p>\n

\"\"What is the most unsavory Florida holiday decoration?<\/p>\n

a. Inflatable Santa<\/a> in a hula skirt (technically not even Floridian) and thong flip-flops (ew, North Pole feet).<\/p>\n

b. Wreath made out of hot-glued shells coated in tempera paint and glitter.<\/p>\n

c. Menorah with an under-the-sea motif.<\/p>\n

d. A pink flamingo riding a surfboard wrapped in a wayward string of Christmas lights. It looks to you for help through the black eyeball on the side of its head. \u201cPlease,\u201d it seems to cry. \u201cFree me from this electrical cord, for I have been enmeshed in the trappings of human commerce. No. Do not put a Santa hat on me. Can\u2019t you see I am desperate? Isn\u2019t it clear that this is not my natural state? Please. Won\u2019t anyone heed my cries? Oh, OK, they\u2019re drunk again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"What\u2019s a supposedly fun Florida holiday thing you\u2019ll never do again?<\/p>\n

a. Any attraction involving piped-in fake snow<\/a>.<\/p>\n

b. A boat parade at which your view is blocked by a guy in a T-shirt that says \u201cSALT LIFE FEET UP ANCHOR DOWN.\u201d<\/p>\n

c. One of those ice bars where you wear the same rental coat as 68 other people. You can never tell how cold you really are because you\u2019ve been downing blue raspberry shooters from a shot paddle made of ice while a DJ named Deck the Paulz plays an EDM remix of \u201cGrandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.\u201d<\/p>\n

d. Christmas Day group bike ride because what do you mean we\u2019re not going to sit in our own filth under four hoodies, fluffy socks, two pairs of sweatpants and five heavy blankets while cradling a scalding mug of tea and a plate of hot pizza?<\/p>\n

Get Stephanie\u2019s newsletter<\/p>\n

For weekly bonus content and a look inside columns by Stephanie Hayes, sign up for the free Stephinitely newsletter<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"A version of this column first appeared in Stephinitely, a weekly newsletter from columnist Stephanie Hayes featuring a…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":89269,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[48274,28,30,29,48273,25754],"class_list":["post-89268","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-florida","tag-curtis-hixon-waterfront-park","tag-florida","tag-florida-headlines","tag-florida-news","tag-fluffy-socks","tag-stephanie-hayes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89268","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=89268"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89268\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/89269"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=89268"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=89268"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-fl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=89268"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}