[PHONE RINGING] Hello? Yes, I’d like to speak to Congress, please. I’m on hold, but I’m trying to reach Congress on behalf of the Kingdom of Denmark. Now, my first language is Danish, but I figured I’d do this in English, since I know how some of you Americans feel about people who speak foreign languages. “You have to speak English.” Anyway, the reason I’m reaching out is the northern part of the kingdom, namely Greenland, the world’s largest distraction. Sorry, I mean, the world’s largest island. But listen, we here in the Kingdom of Denmark are getting a very Venezuelan vibe about the way the American president is talking about us right now. “We’re going to be doing something with Greenland, either the nice way or the more difficult way.” So what do you do when an employee goes rogue? Well, what I’ve learned, mainly from watching American TV shows, you ask to speak to the manager. And in Trump’s case, that would be Congress. I mean, they can control the budget. They can hold investigations. They can even fire him. But they seem to be sleeping on the job. “Mr. Moore. Mr. Moore.” Hence, my phone call. But while I’m on hold, maybe we can talk, America? To start, let’s look at a map. This is Greenland. Roughly 50,000 Greenlanders live there. And it’s not green at all. It’s white. It’s all white. Maybe that’s why that Stephen Miller guy loves it so much. This is Denmark. Almost 2,000 miles away. Six million Danes live here. We do minimalism. We do Lego. We do hygge. We do the fat shot. That’s us. Now, Denmark and Greenland are not the same country. But we are in a relationship. We share a king, but we have individual governments. We are very different, but we make it work. To put it in American terms, we’re like Trump and Melania. Were formally together, functionally separate and both pretending it’s very normal. America and Denmark actually go way back. We usually follow blindly whenever you guys feel like invading a country. We did it with the gulf war. We did it with Afghanistan. We did it with Iraq. Coalition of the willing. “We will lead a coalition of willing nations to disarm him.” We were the willing. But this time, we can’t help you, because you’re talking about invading a country that we already invaded. Look, we already know how colonialism ends. We’ve seen this film before. “India in revolt.” “Protesters smoked out by the police.” Here’s why invading Greenland, the easy way or the hard way, would be bad for America and for the world. I think I need some fresh air. Danish missionaries invaded Greenland in 1721, slowly taking over the country. And for 250 years, we did whatever we wanted to them, basically going full colonial on them. Even in the 20th century, we were inserting IUDs into Greenlandic women to limit the population. We were separating Greenlandic children from their families, sending them to Denmark. Horrible stuff. We even let America build military bases in Greenland. During the Cold War, you guys had 10,000 troops based there. You even crashed a B-52 carrying four nuclear bombs there in 1968. Remember? “The hunt is on to locate the missing nuclear weapons.” So what did we Danes learn from the past couple of centuries? Well, the obvious. No population is going to be happy with a foreign government ruling over them. The Greenlanders hated us for centuries. Some still do. So Trump invading Greenland is not going to help America’s place on the global stage or at home. And I know he says he’s the most popular president in the most popular country since the dawn of time. “I’m a very stable genius.” But trust me, he’s not. And going old-school colonial on Greenland is not going to help. Anyway, back to the history lesson. In 1979, Greenland voted for greater autonomy from Denmark and to form its own government. And this is important, because Trump keeps talking about buying Greenland. “The fact that they had a boat land there 500 years ago doesn’t mean that they own the land.” Denmark doesn’t own Greenland anymore. Greenland owns Greenland. Us Danes even asked the Greenlanders how they’d feel about being bought. “300,000 kroners.” “No. No, he could never buy us, ever in my life. I would —” “500,000?” “No.” You see, we know the Greenlanders. They’re a proud Indigenous people who are not interested in being Americans. You can’t just buy them off. So Trump is running wild. He’s kidnapping presidents. He’s invading other countries without congressional approval. And frankly, we don’t want that mess spilling into Greenland or Europe — or Legoland, for that matter. So again, that’s why we’re trying to speak to the manager. But Congress still isn’t picking up the phone. Hello? [CRICKETS] “The Americans are determined to retrieve their bombs.” “We’re still looking.”
