Classically trained jazz musician: Twenty-four years old, from a “good home” in New Hampshire; has a roommate who is currently on tour with Natalie Merchant, and has lived in New York for two exciting years, since graduating from Berklee.
Location: Greenpoint
Model: Amana
Contents:
• Trader Joe’s saag paneer
• Trader Joe’s chicken tikka masala
• A forgotten half-onion, Saran-wrapped and aluminum-foiled the way that Grandma suggested
• Cranberry juice for girlfriend Chloe’s U.T.I.
• Small wicker basket of nuts and dried fruits that Mom sent to celebrate him meeting Jon Batiste, along with a note: “When are you going to send the photo, sweetheart??”
Exterior-door décor: Eiffel Tower magnet from Paris, Smalls Jazz Club’s April schedule.
Finance bro: Thirty-two years old, single, no kids—“but will def have kids at some point, no rush, I’m not a woman, bro.”
Location: West Village
Model: LG two-door
Contents:
• A bottle of Brunello (until wine fridge from Sharper Image arrives)
• Parmesan crisps
• An XL bottle of sake that the killer omakase-sushi dude on Hudson recommended
• Two large triangles of Brie, both unwrapped
• Jar of sun-dried tomatoes
• Takeout box from Via Carota (cacio e pepe)
• Family pack of Oreos
Exterior-door décor: Photo-booth print from Soho House’s New Year’s Eve party, Equinox MetCon3-class schedule.
C.E.O. of the Williams Capital family office and of his own actual (perfect) family: Fifty-one years old, full head of hair, strikingly handsome, with three young kids (Tyler, Skyler, and Zoe) and wife (Donna, attorney).
Location: Tribeca
Model: Sub-Zero
Contents:
• A box of Amaretti di Saronno
• A large ball of mozzarella di bufala from Eataly
• A filet mignon from a butcher who used to hang with Anthony Bourdain, but who wasn’t there for him toward the end
• Farm-raised chicken drumsticks for the kids
• Labneh delivered from that Middle Eastern store in Carroll Gardens that his C.F.O. Sebastian told him about
• Fresh hummus from Miznon in Chelsea Market
• Hand-crushed peanut butter and hand-smushed strawberry jelly the kids made in Sagaponack over the summer, which they refuse to throw out (Donna is an enabler)
Exterior-door décor: Spotless—void of any items, fingerprints, or signs of humanity (all inter-spousal messages or the occasionally decent kids’ art works are kept on a dedicated note board on the other side of the kitchen).
Sad dad: Fifty-five years old, recently divorced, two teen-age kids who live with their mom at the house in Scarsdale.
Location: Yonkers, thanks to that shitty divorce lawyer
Model: Refurbished KitchenAid (It’s a rental, what can you do?)
Contents:
• Olives
• A half-eaten Annie’s mac and cheese
• A half-eaten Kraft mac and cheese
• A bottle of Maker’s Mark
• Pepperidge Farm raisin bread (the kind his ex-wife used to buy before she decided to blow up the family unit)
• Non-organic produce, overripe, sad
Exterior-door décor: Post-its with the phone numbers for C.B.T./ketamine therapist and a “better” divorce attorney that Sean used, and he got the house and Christmas this year; photo from a vacation in the Bahamas with wife and the kids when they were babies, as a constant reminder of how utterly devastating life is now.
Single Dude: Forties, unemployed and still blames the pandemic for the bad job market; has two roommates to help cover the rent.
Location: Sixth-floor walkup on Eldridge
Model: Mini-fridge with no discernible brand, situated in bedroom corner near sink that functions as kitchen and bathroom sink, topped with a dish towel that doubles as bathroom towel (hands and face)
Contents:
• Hard to tell because the bulb doesn’t work
• Stuffed grape leaves that Martha, the downstairs neighbor, brought over a few months ago as a thanks for watering her plants for two days while she was visiting her daughter in Philadelphia, who never comes to visit her
• Mini milk carton, precariously shoved into side door at an angle
• A pint of tasteless blueberries that doubles as a petri dish
• String cheese (generic)
• Remnants of an egg-and-cheese bagel
• A banana (somehow both not ripe and brown)
Exterior-door décor: Like life, a work in progress.
Happy dad: In his late forties, C.B.T./D.B.T. therapist and Reiki practitioner, married to Naama (also a C.B.T./D.B.T. therapist), with whom he shares a practice, in this really cute sunlit space which doubles as a ceramics studio/food co-op that’s adjacent to a smoke shop that is kind of an eyesore but the owner is a super sweet guy.
Location: Prospect Heights
Model: Smeg
Contents:
• Labneh from Said’s in Carroll Gardens—Said is also a super sweet guy!
• Four bottles of our Syrah for the big dinner party next weekend—you should totally come, and of course the kids are invited! Always!
• A bottle of rosuvastatin from a mom-and-pop pharmacy on Fulton—yeah, high cholesterol is apparently genetic, but it’s all about preventive medicine, not overmedicating
• Misshapen produce that nobody else wants but that tastes just as good
• Four bushels of leeks—Naama is on a leek kick this month and won’t stop scrolling the Times recipe app at all hours of the night, LOL!
Exterior-door décor: Food-co-op shift schedule; a “Bahai is coming to Brooklyn!” brochure (so intriguing, right?); group photo of this amazing super sweet group of D.B.T. practitioners from all over the world at the third annual D.B.T. conference in Porto. ♦