No one knows how to bother you like a younger brother. And I have two of them.
So I have huge sympathy with Brooklyn Beckham, 27, who – having fallen out with his family at the start of the year – is now subject to the frightening impish powers of little brothers Romeo, 23, and Cruz, 21, who were both best men at his wedding. You hear a lot about how upset his parents are when families feud. Not enough about what a tragedy it is when a brotherhood comes apart.
Brooklyn, you’ll remember, did a thing in January and released a statement saying he wouldn’t truck the “lies” of the House of Beckham any longer, that his parents had been trying “endlessly to ruin” his relationship with his wife, the actor and billionaire heiress Nicola Peltz, through “the press” since 2022. His lawyers reportedly later wrote to the Beckhams’ team requesting all communication be conducted through legal representatives.
Cruz Beckham shares surprise photo with estranged brother Brooklyn (Instagram/Cruz Beckham)
It has not been an easy year for Brooklyn, who has had to borrow his godfather Elton John’s yacht instead of holidaying with the rest of his family. Obviously, like any eldest boy, all he wants is to be taken seriously. A little respect for the chef and hot sauce entrepreneur, please. Which is why it is very powerful, obviously sad, and only just a little bit funny that his brothers are now trolling him mercilessly online.
It’s all classic little brother stuff. Cruz appearing to mimic Nicola’s comment under a post by Romeo’s ex Mia Regan featuring the latter’s magazine shoot in April – “so beautiful Mia” – by posting on Romeo’s Instagram – “so beautiful Romeo”. Two crying laughing emojis from Romeo. Last week, a post showing a throwback of his parents David and Victoria went viral because it was accompanied by the caption: “It’s bizarre that a couple with such an insanely stunning face card only ended up with ugly kids.” Cruz replied with a little meme that basically translated as: surely you don’t mean me?
See also: Cruz, after posting a video of himself singing, was asked: “Are you going to stick with this job or going to become a race car driver next or something?” To which Cruz responded: “Wrong brother mate”. This displeases the elders of the Fraternity of Big Brothers. It is exactly how you get under our skin.
I really do feel for Brooklyn. I know it’s very rock’n’roll for brothers to fall out, but don’t be fooled by the Milibands. At 35, my two brothers are my best friends, the people I call to chat with, and the first guys I spill my heart to. I love them enormously. Wind-up merchants are pretty handy at the other stuff, too.
You learn all this the hard way. When I was 10, my middle brother went through a phase of hiding my things. I didn’t know he was hiding them which complicated matters. ‘SAM! WHERE IS YOUR TIE!’, my dad would yell just before school, and we all ran around looking for it, and everyone got very cross with me for losing it. Then I’d go to school without a tie, and everyone there would get very cross with me too for not having it.
Obviously it was all a very big deal because I was 10, very uptight and not getting things exactly just so really wound me up. But it was also machiavellian for an eight-year-old and the perfect crime because he was a very cute, cherubic little guy and even when we discovered the missing things under his pillow, of all places, everyone was just a bit baffled – he says I’d annoyed him by saying something rude about mum and dad – and no one was particularly mad.
What I’m saying is that little brothers are very powerful. And you really don’t ever want to get on the wrong side of them. Especially when there are two of them.