How to talk to kids about 9/11, from keeping it age-appropriate to handling the images and emotions that come with it.
At a Glance
9/11 can come up at school, online, or through all the increased anniversary coverage
Keep it age-appropriate
Be mindful of upsetting photos and videos on TV and online
Reactions can vary, but watch for anxiety or behavior changes that persist
You don’t have to hide your own feelings; just be careful not to put them on your child
Psst… Check Out 9/11 Memorial Events for Kids and Families in NYC
Every September, a lot of parents around the city find themselves having to have a hard conversation. Their child asks about the towers after hearing something at school or seeing something online. 9/11 is lodged in our brains. It’s easy to overlook that our kids weren’t here for it, and some of them have no idea what happened until the question pops up.
This year is the 25th anniversary, so there is even more coverage than usual, so more chances for kids to hear about it before you’ve had the chance to explain it yourself. There’s really no perfect script. We asked Dr. Irina Gorelik, a Brooklyn-based psychologist who works with kids and families, for her advice, and rounded up a few tips from the 9/11 Memorial & Museum to help get you started with the conversation.
Ways to Start the Conversation with Kids About 9/11
Let Kids Lead
For kids six and under, Dr. Gorelik says to keep it simple and mostly focus on reassurance: they’re safe, you’re there, the grown-ups have things handled. “Preschool-aged children cannot process abstract information in the same way that adolescents can,” she says.
If your kid asks one question and then wanders off to go play, let them. That’s a normal reaction, not a sign you need to keep going. “If a child loses interest or returns to playing, it is also appropriate to end the conversation for the time being and allow them to revisit the topic if needed,” Dr. Gorelik says.
Answer What They Ask
You don’t need to unload everything at once. Answer the question asked, keep it age-appropriate, and know you can talk again later if they want more. Also, “I don’t know” is a fine answer, too (in any conversation). You don’t have to have it all figured out, and it’s okay to look things up together.
Older kids can handle more context, and while they already know about the event, they may have deeper questions about it at any time. It can help to remind them this happened 25 years ago, and that a lot has changed since then in terms of safety and security. You can share with them how different things like the subway and IDs were back then.
Try to Explain it Calmly
It’s usually not the facts that scare kids; it’s more about how those facts get delivered. “The presence of a calm, regulated adult helps them process the information safely,” Dr. Gorelik says.
It’s easy to overshare when you’re feeling emotional yourself. That’s human. It’s fine to say “I feel sad about this” while still making clear that your kid is safe right now. Your tone matters just as much as what you say and kids can pick up on that fast.
Ask if They Saw Anything
With this being a big anniversary, there’s going to be more footage, photos, and posts floating around, and kids might find something upsetting on their own. If that happens, ask first: “What did you see?” or “What did you hear?”
“Children often pick up fragments of information… and then fill in the gaps with their imagination, which can sometimes be more frightening than the actual facts,” Dr. Gorelik says. Once you know what your kid actually saw, you can clear things up instead of guessing what they might be imagining.
There’s No “Normal” Reaction, and That’s Normal
Some kids will ask a hundred questions. Others will shrug and go back to their toys. Some might have trouble going to bed, or start working it into their play. Anyone who was in a preschool during that time likely remembers kids crashing toy airplanes during playtime.
“Some children may revisit the topic repeatedly as they work to understand it,” Dr. Gorelik notes.
Keep an eye on the trend over time. Feelings usually come in waves and ease up on their own. If things seem to be getting worse instead of better, or it’s messing with your kid’s sleep, mood, or school life, it’s worth mentioning to your pediatrician or a therapist.
Check In With Yourself, Too
You’re allowed to have feelings about this day. For a lot of parents in New York, it’s something we remember like it was yesterday. Many New Yorkers lost family and friends, and you don’t have to fake being fine.
Dr. Gorelik says it’s actually healthy for kids to see that adults can have hard feelings, talk about them, and manage them. You can say something like, “I remember feeling really sad that day, but I’m okay talking about it now.” Just don’t lean on your child for emotional support if the topic brings up a lot for you. That’s a conversation to process with another adult instead.
In the end, you’re not trying to give a perfect explanation of what happened. You just want your child to feel like they can ask questions, share what they’ve heard, and process it all at their own pace.
Psst… Check Out Helping Kids Make Sense of Today’s News: Expert Advice from Dr. Irina Gorelik
