{"id":102198,"date":"2026-01-16T12:58:13","date_gmt":"2026-01-16T12:58:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/102198\/"},"modified":"2026-01-16T12:58:13","modified_gmt":"2026-01-16T12:58:13","slug":"opinion-dear-america-greenland-is-not-on-zillow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/102198\/","title":{"rendered":"Opinion | Dear America, Greenland Is Not on Zillow"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"css-8hvvyd\">[PHONE RINGING] Hello? Yes, I\u2019d like to speak to Congress, please. I\u2019m on hold, but I\u2019m trying to reach Congress on behalf of the Kingdom of Denmark. Now, my first language is Danish, but I figured I\u2019d do this in English, since I know how some of you Americans feel about people who speak foreign languages. \u201cYou have to speak English.\u201d Anyway, the reason I\u2019m reaching out is the northern part of the kingdom, namely Greenland, the world\u2019s largest distraction. Sorry, I mean, the world\u2019s largest island. But listen, we here in the Kingdom of Denmark are getting a very Venezuelan vibe about the way the American president is talking about us right now. \u201cWe\u2019re going to be doing something with Greenland, either the nice way or the more difficult way.\u201d So what do you do when an employee goes rogue? Well, what I\u2019ve learned, mainly from watching American TV shows, you ask to speak to the manager. And in Trump\u2019s case, that would be Congress. I mean, they can control the budget. They can hold investigations. They can even fire him. But they seem to be sleeping on the job. \u201cMr. Moore. Mr. Moore.\u201d Hence, my phone call. But while I\u2019m on hold, maybe we can talk, America? To start, let\u2019s look at a map. This is Greenland. Roughly 50,000 Greenlanders live there. And it\u2019s not green at all. It\u2019s white. It\u2019s all white. Maybe that\u2019s why that Stephen Miller guy loves it so much. This is Denmark. Almost 2,000 miles away. Six million Danes live here. We do minimalism. We do Lego. We do hygge. We do the fat shot. That\u2019s us. Now, Denmark and Greenland are not the same country. But we are in a relationship. We share a king, but we have individual governments. We are very different, but we make it work. To put it in American terms, we\u2019re like Trump and Melania. Were formally together, functionally separate and both pretending it\u2019s very normal. America and Denmark actually go way back. We usually follow blindly whenever you guys feel like invading a country. We did it with the gulf war. We did it with Afghanistan. We did it with Iraq. Coalition of the willing. \u201cWe will lead a coalition of willing nations to disarm him.\u201d We were the willing. But this time, we can\u2019t help you, because you\u2019re talking about invading a country that we already invaded. Look, we already know how colonialism ends. We\u2019ve seen this film before. \u201cIndia in revolt.\u201d \u201cProtesters smoked out by the police.\u201d Here\u2019s why invading Greenland, the easy way or the hard way, would be bad for America and for the world. I think I need some fresh air. Danish missionaries invaded Greenland in 1721, slowly taking over the country. And for 250 years, we did whatever we wanted to them, basically going full colonial on them. Even in the 20th century, we were inserting IUDs into Greenlandic women to limit the population. We were separating Greenlandic children from their families, sending them to Denmark. Horrible stuff. We even let America build military bases in Greenland. During the Cold War, you guys had 10,000 troops based there. You even crashed a B-52 carrying four nuclear bombs there in 1968. Remember? \u201cThe hunt is on to locate the missing nuclear weapons.\u201d So what did we Danes learn from the past couple of centuries? Well, the obvious. No population is going to be happy with a foreign government ruling over them. The Greenlanders hated us for centuries. Some still do. So Trump invading Greenland is not going to help America\u2019s place on the global stage or at home. And I know he says he\u2019s the most popular president in the most popular country since the dawn of time. \u201cI\u2019m a very stable genius.\u201d But trust me, he\u2019s not. And going old-school colonial on Greenland is not going to help. Anyway, back to the history lesson. In 1979, Greenland voted for greater autonomy from Denmark and to form its own government. And this is important, because Trump keeps talking about buying Greenland. \u201cThe fact that they had a boat land there 500 years ago doesn\u2019t mean that they own the land.\u201d Denmark doesn\u2019t own Greenland anymore. Greenland owns Greenland. Us Danes even asked the Greenlanders how they\u2019d feel about being bought. \u201c300,000 kroners.\u201d \u201cNo. No, he could never buy us, ever in my life. I would \u2014\u201d \u201c500,000?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d You see, we know the Greenlanders. They\u2019re a proud Indigenous people who are not interested in being Americans. You can\u2019t just buy them off. So Trump is running wild. He\u2019s kidnapping presidents. He\u2019s invading other countries without congressional approval. And frankly, we don\u2019t want that mess spilling into Greenland or Europe \u2014 or Legoland, for that matter. So again, that\u2019s why we\u2019re trying to speak to the manager. But Congress still isn\u2019t picking up the phone. Hello? [CRICKETS] \u201cThe Americans are determined to retrieve their bombs.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re still looking.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"[PHONE RINGING] Hello? Yes, I\u2019d like to speak to Congress, please. I\u2019m on hold, but I\u2019m trying to&hellip;\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":102199,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[22625,153,43322,9,11,10,87,46777,12725,4510,46778],"class_list":["post-102198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-new-york","tag-denmark","tag-donald-trump","tag-greenland","tag-new-york","tag-new-york-headlines","tag-new-york-news","tag-politics","tag-territorial-disputes","tag-us-foreign-policy","tag-us-politics","tag-your-feed-opinionvideo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/102198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=102198"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/102198\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/102199"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=102198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=102198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=102198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}