Off-Third is WSN\u2019s satire column.<\/p>\n
It was undeniable. This past weekend, anyone who took a step outside in New York City was blasted by the horrible feeling of three \u2014 but feels like minus 14<\/a> \u2014 degrees Fahrenheit weather. The city is facing its coldest winter in 20 years<\/a>, with temperatures dipping below those of some regions in Antarctica. As we huddle together like a waddle of penguins in the middle of Lafayette Street, it is obvious who is really to blame for this weather: our new democratic socialist Mayor Zohran Mamdani and his fascist policies that have communized suffering. Former Mayor Eric Adams, conversely, would not have allowed such temperatures, summoning them away with his \u201cnot on my block, not in my community, not in my area<\/a>\u201d attitude.\u00a0<\/p>\n Ever since the blizzard, we have been forced to see snow piled up on the sides of the street, sitting there uselessly and refusing to melt. It\u2019s gross and putrid \u2014 often adorned with a yellow glow, remnant from when a dog stops to relieve itself. The slush, critics<\/a> of Mamdani point out, is clearly \u201cruining travel for everyone.\u201d These conditions are certainly a political failure, not just a natural phenomenon, and will be exacerbated by the additional snowfall this week, if predictions prove to be correct. (I\u2019ve been meticulously checking Polymarket for the consensus, because who needs WeatherBug?)<\/p>\n However, the mayor has an opportunity to assuage the growing criticism. Instead of letting the snow sit in banks, blocking everyone\u2019s path, Mamdani must dispatch a team of snow shovelers and builders who will scoop the snow into one big pile on every street and turn them into one large quinzee<\/a>, a temporary shelter made by piling snow and hollowing out the center. These quinzees \u2014 different from an igloo which use compacted blocks of snow stacked on top of each other \u2014 would be located periodically throughout the city to allow New Yorkers a moment of respite from their travels. As a Coloradan and thus an expert in constructing snow shelters, I nominate myself as a candidate to head this newly created Department of Snow-ficiency.<\/p>\n In wind chills of almost minus 15 degrees, people are vulnerable to frostbite<\/a>, even if they are out for less than 30 minutes and wearing winter clothes. For those who have no choice but to make the trek, a few minutes inside one of these snow shelters may save a pinky toe or even a limb. But snow is a natural insulator<\/a>, slowing the dissipation of the heat from the ground to the cold air above. It is how animals, like the arctic fox<\/a>, can survive cold winters by burrowing into the snow to make their dens.<\/p>\n This natural occurrence also makes this project extremely sustainable. After a period of freeze, when the shelters are no longer needed, they will simply disappear, melting into water<\/a> and leaving no trace of their existence. Overall, snow is environmentally preferable to other materials like plastic \u2014 which not only takes thousands of years<\/a> to degrade, but breaks down into microplastics that pollute the Earth.<\/p>\n The availability of materials also makes this undertaking extremely cost-effective and efficient. The snow on the street is, in fact, free, which means that the only overhead expense will be labor and a working shovel. From my experience, building a quinzee alone as a twelve-year-old in the Rocky Mountains only takes a few hours to make each shelter. Compared to some of New York City\u2019s other structures, like the Empire State Building, which took a whopping 410 days<\/a> to build, a single quinzee\u2019s construction could be reduced to less than an hour with effective teamwork and the right materials.\u00a0<\/p>\n I acknowledge that with the current state of the snow \u2014 slushy and splattered with chunks of ice \u2014 it may not be ideal to start implementing this project immediately. However, I urge you, Mr. Mayor, to implement a version of the sidewalk igloo when the city is hit with another blizzard in the future. These shelters offer nothing but positives: their 100% sustainably sourced materials, low cost and quick turnaround will inevitably silence any critics who complain about the city\u2019s handling of one of its coldest winters. New Yorkers will appreciate these free shelters to duck into instead of having to stand on the street, shedding frozen tears as another gust of wind whams into them.<\/p>\n If not quinzees, perhaps we should invite former Mayor Adams back into Gracie Mansion for a press conference, to denote New York City as the Antarctica of America<\/a>.<\/p>\n WSN\u2019s Opinion desk strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion desk are solely the views of the writer.<\/p>\n