Across NYC, eldest daughters are meeting up to unpack the pressure they say never really went away.<\/p>\n
The \u201celdest daughter\u201d is not just the one born first.\u00a0<\/p>\n
She\u2019s the one diffusing group chat meltdowns, remembering every family member\u2019s birthday, and absorbing everyone else\u2019s emotions like it\u2019s a full-time job.<\/p>\n
The only difference? Now she\u2019s doing it as an adult while paying Gotham rent, working nine-to-five, and juggling a calendar that rivals a CEO\u2019s.<\/p>\n
That quiet, lifelong job description is something more NYC women are finally naming \u2014 and now, bonding over.<\/p>\n
Enter \u201cEldest Daughter Club<\/a>,\u201d a community founded by Manhattanite Sherri Lu that\u2019s turning an unspoken identity into a shared one.<\/p>\n \u201cBack in 2022, I couldn\u2019t find anyone who was really analyzing eldest daughters and the experience of being one online,\u201d the Gen Zer, who is the eldest daughter in an immigrant family, told The Post. \u201c\u2026 Being an eldest daughter is like having to balance additional daughter expectations \u2014 but they\u2019re intensified. You\u2019re like a \u2018second mom\u2019,\u201d Lu said.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cI just wanted to understand this part of my identity and find other eldest daughters to talk to, and that\u2019s where the idea of the Eldest Daughter Club in New York City came to be.\u201d<\/p>\n What started as memes and half-joking TikToks<\/a> about burnout and an \u201celdest daughter curse\u201d has evolved into something real: packed in-person meetups<\/a>, virtual discussions, group chats, a newsletter (that 6,300 people subscribe to) by Lu, and even an unofficial holiday (that is now every August 26)<\/p>\n Sherri Lu is the founder of Eldest Daughter Club.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s Mother\u2019s Day, there\u2019s Father\u2019s Day \u2014 but I think big sisters deserve real recognition too,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n Now, through park gatherings, picnics, group walks and panel-style events (with up to 100 attendees scattered throughout the year) across the city and monthly virtual get-togethers, Lu has created a space where women can talk openly about their experiences \u2014 something many say they\u2019ve never had before.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a safe, supported and healing space for big sisters,\u201d she said, \u201cespecially when these aren\u2019t easy conversations to have with people who don\u2019t get it.\u201d<\/p>\n Attendees say the group\u2019s impact can be immediate \u2014 from setting long-avoided boundaries with their families to finally making big life decisions without guilt.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople who come to Eldest Daughter Club events tell me that the group helped them understand themselves on a deeper level, rethink their identities, and bond over childhood experiences they\u2019d rarely talked about before,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n Gigi Robinson, 27, of Riverdale, the Bronx, can relate. She says the pressure of being the eldest daughter didn\u2019t stop at childhood, but followed her straight into adulthood.<\/p>\n \u201cAs an eldest daughter, I became a chronic over-doer and a do-it-myself girl \u2014 that\u2019s the starter pack,\u201d she told The Post.<\/p>\n \u201cYou learn to manage the room, anticipate what\u2019s needed, and keep things moving before anyone has to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n As a kid, she said that this looks like being responsible.\u00a0 As an adult, \u201cit becomes the operating system for your entire career.\u201d<\/p>\n Tsao-Lin Moy, 61, a native New Yorker and first-generation Chinese American, agreed that the expectations of being the eldest daughter never really fade \u2014 still shaping her life decades later.<\/p>\n \u201cBeing the first-born daughter meant I took on more of a secondary parental role,\u201d she told The Post.<\/p>\n Lu\u2019s club schedules frequent in-person and virtual events designed to spark conversations among eldest daughters and to help them bond with each other.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t remember having much fun. There was so much pressure to perform and be available for other siblings\u2019 needs.\u201d<\/p>\n She said there is generally more pressure placed on firstborn children by their parents, but \u201cwomen also have to meet additional cultural expectations as well,\u201d she said, adding that mother-daughter relationships can come with growing pains, as daughters are often seen as extensions of their mothers \u2014 making it harder to carve out their own identity.\u00a0<\/p>\n It\u2019s a dynamic that\u2019s also playing out in pop culture. Taylor Swift\u2019s 2025 track \u201cEldest Daughter\u201d captures the pressure in one cutting line: \u201cEvery eldest daughter was the first lamb to the slaughter.\u201d<\/p>\n The archetype shows up on screen, too \u2014 from \u201c10 Things I Hate About You\u201d to \u201cFrozen,\u201d \u201cThe Hunger Games,\u201d \u201cFull House,\u201d \u201c27 Dresses\u201d and \u201cLilo & Stitch\u201d \u2014 where the oldest sister is often the one forced to grow up first, and fastest.<\/p>\n Now with decades of perspective, Moy said she\u2019d urge fellow eldest daughters to find their people \u2014 and \u201cactually have some fun\u201d for once \u2014 whether that\u2019s at Eldest Daughter Club events or beyond.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is important for first daughters to find others to validate our experience and have some fun.\u201d<\/p>\n For Robinson, a Zoomer, having a space to meet up in-person and discuss birth order trauma fills a gap many eldest daughters didn\u2019t even realize they had.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s something specific about being the one who keeps everything together \u2014 and that\u2019s a heavy thing to carry without people who actually understand it,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n Taylor Swift (R) has opened up about her experience being the eldest daughter of her household, and older sister to her brother Austin Swift (L). Getty Images for ACM<\/p>\n Tyler Nicole Glenn, 29, of Brooklyn, added that \u201cisolation can lead to stress, and it\u2019s important for eldest daughters to know they\u2019re not alone in their frustrations.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s also not just about airing out grievances together, she emphasized, as having a \u201csolid community\u201d provides a \u201cplatform for us to share accomplishments, as well.\u201d<\/p>\n And while the tone at Eldest Daughter Club events is often light, the question underneath isn\u2019t: what happens when you grow up as the family\u2019s default caretaker?\u00a0<\/p>\n Why does that instinct stick long after you\u2019ve left home?<\/p>\n DJ Tanner (R) played by Candace Cameron, is another example of a classic eldest daughter trope as she looked after her sisters on \u201cFull House\u201d after their mother died. Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images<\/p>\n Experts say the answer often comes down to burnout disguised as competence \u2014 a pattern that can follow eldest daughters well into adulthood.<\/p>\n Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni<\/a>, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School, said the dynamic is widely recognized \u2014 even if it doesn\u2019t have a formal diagnosis.<\/p>\n @eldestdaughterclub<\/a> <\/p>\n i created eldest daughter club & our monthly virtual socials to be the nourishing safe space for big sisters everywhere \ud83e\udef6 we talk about self-growth, personal reflections, and vote on specific topics to discuss. join us by subscribing to our newsletter with the link in my bio \u2728 #eldestdaughter<\/a> <\/p>\n