Every September, a lot of parents around the city find themselves having to have a hard conversation. Their child asks about the towers after hearing something at school or seeing something online. 9\/11 is lodged in our brains. It\u2019s easy to overlook that our kids weren\u2019t here for it, and some of them have no idea what happened until the question pops up.<\/p>\n
This year is the 25th anniversary, so there is even more coverage than usual, so more chances for kids to hear about it before you\u2019ve had the chance to explain it yourself. There\u2019s really no perfect script. We asked Dr. Irina Gorelik, a Brooklyn-based psychologist who works with kids and families, for her advice, and rounded up a few tips from the 9\/11 Memorial & Museum to help get you started with the conversation.<\/p>\n
Ways to Start the Conversation with Kids About 9\/11
\nLet Kids Lead<\/p>\n
For kids six and under, Dr. Gorelik says to keep it simple and mostly focus on reassurance: they\u2019re safe, you\u2019re there, the grown-ups have things handled. \u201cPreschool-aged children cannot process abstract information in the same way that adolescents can,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
If your kid asks one question and then wanders off to go play, let them. That\u2019s a normal reaction, not a sign you need to keep going. \u201cIf a child loses interest or returns to playing, it is also appropriate to end the conversation for the time being and allow them to revisit the topic if needed,\u201d Dr. Gorelik says.<\/p>\n
Answer What They Ask<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t need to unload everything at once. Answer the question asked, keep it age-appropriate, and know you can talk again later if they want more. Also, \u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d is a fine answer, too (in any conversation). You don\u2019t have to have it all figured out, and it\u2019s okay to look things up together.<\/p>\n
Older kids can handle more context, and while they already know about the event, they may have deeper questions about it at any time. It can help to remind them this happened 25 years ago, and that a lot has changed since then in terms of safety and security. You can share with them how different things like the subway and IDs were back then.<\/p>\n
Try to Explain it Calmly<\/p>\n
It\u2019s usually not the facts that scare kids; it\u2019s more about how those facts get delivered. \u201cThe presence of a calm, regulated adult helps them process the information safely,\u201d Dr. Gorelik says.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s easy to overshare when you\u2019re feeling emotional yourself. That\u2019s human. It\u2019s fine to say \u201cI feel sad about this\u201d while still making clear that your kid is safe right now. Your tone matters just as much as what you say and kids can pick up on that fast.<\/p>\n
Ask if They Saw Anything<\/p>\n
With this being a big anniversary, there\u2019s going to be more footage, photos, and posts floating around, and kids might find something upsetting on their own. If that happens, ask first: \u201cWhat did you see?\u201d or \u201cWhat did you hear?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChildren often pick up fragments of information\u2026 and then fill in the gaps with their imagination, which can sometimes be more frightening than the actual facts,\u201d Dr. Gorelik says. Once you know what your kid actually saw, you can clear things up instead of guessing what they might be imagining.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s No \u201cNormal\u201d Reaction, and That\u2019s Normal<\/p>\n
Some kids will ask a hundred questions. Others will shrug and go back to their toys. Some might have trouble going to bed, or start working it into their play. Anyone who was in a preschool during that time likely remembers kids crashing toy airplanes during playtime.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome children may revisit the topic repeatedly as they work to understand it,\u201d Dr. Gorelik notes.<\/p>\n
Keep an eye on the trend over time. Feelings usually come in waves and ease up on their own. If things seem to be getting worse instead of better, or it\u2019s messing with your kid\u2019s sleep, mood, or school life, it\u2019s worth mentioning to your pediatrician or a therapist.<\/p>\n
Check In With Yourself, Too<\/p>\n
You\u2019re allowed to have feelings about this day. For a lot of parents in New York, it\u2019s something we remember like it was yesterday. Many New Yorkers lost family and friends, and you don\u2019t have to fake being fine.<\/p>\n
Dr. Gorelik says it\u2019s actually healthy for kids to see that adults can have hard feelings, talk about them, and manage them. You can say something like, \u201cI remember feeling really sad that day, but I\u2019m okay talking about it now.\u201d Just don\u2019t lean on your child for emotional support if the topic brings up a lot for you. That\u2019s a conversation to process with another adult instead.<\/p>\n
In the end, you\u2019re not trying to give a perfect explanation of what happened. You just want your child to feel like they can ask questions, share what they\u2019ve heard, and process it all at their own pace.<\/p>\n
Psst\u2026 Check Out Helping Kids Make Sense of Today\u2019s News: Expert Advice from Dr. Irina Gorelik<\/a><\/p>\n
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