I managed to keep taking pictures, leaning into the parts of myself that were still working, as I have in some ways every day since.<\/p>\n
My friend and colleague Chris Brennan, the reporter with whom I had gone to the scene for the Daily News, later wrote about our journey together<\/a> and the early aftermath.<\/p>\n A harrowing aftermath<\/p>\n The next 18 months were the worst for me, filled with flashbacks, nightmares, extreme insomnia, memory blackouts, mood swings, and broken relationships.<\/p>\n Serendipitously, a psychiatrist wrote to me in early 2003 about acquiring some of my photographs for instructional use. She also sensed what I was going through, and provided the treatment I needed to get the most crippling symptoms under control.<\/p>\n But that wasn\u2019t the end of the story. Far from it.<\/p>\n From the outside, what followed looks almost ridiculously good: a career filled with fellowships, faculty appointments, and even a Pulitzer Prize<\/a> in 2005 for my photographs from the war in Iraq<\/a>.<\/p>\n I had accompanied U.S. troops on hundreds of combat missions over the course of a year, feeling indestructible following my initial recovery, but then some new and old symptoms emerged, and I needed more care when I got back. I got better again, although I still overreact when startled.<\/p>\n One of my pictures from 9\/11 went on to have a remarkable life of its own. The New York Times wrote about the time<\/a> it toured alongside some of the great artworks of the 20th century. My alma mater, Tufts University, hung it in a gallery next to a Picasso<\/a>.<\/p>\n We talk a lot in the news about surviving terrible events and their immediate aftermaths. But we don\u2019t talk much about the long tail of trauma.<\/p>\n Looking back now, it feels painfully obvious that I have also spent the past 25 years stockpiling accomplishments as if to prove I was OK, probably to myself as much as anyone else.<\/p>\n We talk a lot in the news about surviving terrible events and their immediate aftermaths. And we love stories of recovery. But we don\u2019t talk much about the long tail of trauma.<\/p>\n Our traumatic pasts aren\u2019t so easily fooled. There is no unseeing what we have seen.<\/p>\n I still have occasional nightmares and persistent phobias that seem obviously related to things I saw at ground zero.<\/p>\n And random reminders can bring me back there in every sense. The smoke and rubble appear behind my eyelids in an instant. I can hear the sounds and taste the dust. My breath deepens, and my skin crawls again.<\/p>\n Giving back<\/p>\n Most of the time I am completely fine. Sometimes I get triggered, and I\u2019ve got my hands full again for a couple of days or a couple of weeks. I had a bad year not so long ago.<\/p>\n Living my best life takes maintenance, just as I imagine countless people quietly manage other long-term health challenges.<\/p>\n Since 2006, I have also spent a lot of time studying and teaching students and journalists about trauma. Giving back has felt both cathartic and critical to maintaining my well-being.<\/p>\n I have spoken previously about covering the Oklahoma City bombing<\/a>, Hurricane Katrina<\/a> survivors, violent demonstrations in American cities, and endless gun violence in Philadelphia<\/a>.<\/p>\n But while journalists and other first responders are frequently invited onto stages for these conversations, most people carrying trauma will never get the spotlight.<\/p>\n Domestic violence and other crimes can alter lives without ever making the news. Trauma can accumulate alongside structural violence, from racism and concentrated poverty to overpolicing and mass incarceration.<\/p>\n Communities most vulnerable to trauma are often the least likely to have access to the kind of care that helped me endure.<\/p>\n Too many are left to carry their burden alone, while resources seem perpetually overstretched, and horrifying headlines keep coming at us with relentless frequency.<\/p>\n If nobody is coming to save us, we\u2019ll need to get better at taking care of one another, now more than ever.<\/p>\n I\u2019m no clinician, but I can tell you what I needed: Listen when people tell you about their struggles. Don\u2019t turn up the heat or ask when they\u2019re going to get over it. Ask what they need, ask how you can help, and help them find more support.<\/p>\n I recently moved to Ireland, where my grandparents were born, thinking I might have one more chapter to write in my career and that, for once, I might step away from all the trauma.<\/p>\n Instead, every new relationship and opportunity seems to be leading me back to the same work: helping journalists stay safe and healthy while reporting responsibly on survivors.<\/p>\n The distance has also helped me see more clearly what I\u2019ve carried all these years, and what we can\u2019t fake.<\/p>\n
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