Depending on who you ask, critics such as myself are either totally irrelevant relics of the past like almanacs or sundials \u2014 Hollywood\u2019s dream scenario \u2014 or snarling Godzillas who go around crushing poor, innocent movies to death with relish.<\/p>\n
Well, it was clear which reality was true last weekend.<\/p>\n
After some scathing reviews, Tom Cruise\u2019s \u201cDigger\u201d<\/a> became the flop heard \u2018round the world. Tom tanked so hard, his wreck is on track to be one of the biggest flops of all time.\u00a0<\/p>\n Much as I enjoy quoting myself, my favorite line actually came from my very reasonable pal David Rooney of the Hollywood Reporter.\u00a0<\/p>\n Tom Cruise\u2019s \u201cDigger\u201d is a massive flop. Warner Bros. Pictures via AP<\/p>\n \u201cYou watch in excruciating weariness as it disappears up its own ass and then realize to your dismay that there\u2019s another eardrum-shattering hour left to endure,\u201d wrote King Ghidorah<\/a>, excuse me, David.\u00a0<\/p>\n After the critiques dropped, \u201cDigger\u201d\u2019s domestic box office projections dove off a cliff like Agent Ethan Hunt: $20 million (dire to begin with) slipped to $15 million to its eventual sad, sad $8 million. Even fellow failure \u201cMasters of the Universe\u201d opened to $29 million.<\/p>\n Keep in mind that \u201cDigger\u201d \u2014 a message-heavy meta satire from the director of \u201cBirdman\u201d about an oil tycoon facing an environmental catastrophe \u2014 reportedly cost between $135 million and $180 million to make. That\u2019s a staggering budget for what it is. Less arthouse, more art-mansion.<\/p>\n \t\t\tMore From\t\t\t\t\t\t\tJohnny Oleksinski<\/p>\n Even so, there is a palpable sense that Hollywood is shocked that critics would do this to Tom Cruise, who they tend to play nice with. They\u2019re even more flabbergasted that our kvetching worked. Cruise should be critic-proof, they figure. To them, in a just world, everything should be.<\/p>\n These days Herculean efforts are taken to circumvent the honest opinions of professional reviewers.\u00a0<\/p>\n The stars go film cute videos making pizzas at the New York Times.\u00a0<\/p>\n They sit down on happy podcasts like \u201cGood Hang with Amy Poehler\u201d and \u201cConan O\u2019Brien Needs a Friend\u201d and chat for an hour about their childhoods and first jobs.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cDigger\u201d grossed just $8 million domestically on its opening weekend. Warner Bros. Pictures via AP<\/p>\n Most nauseatingly, my Page Six Hollywood colleague Tatiana Siegel reported that \u201cDigger\u201d had a special trailer launch event <\/a>to butter up influencers. Attendees got to pose for a professional photo with Cruise. Naturally those freeloaders all think \u201cDigger\u201d is better than \u201cThe Godfather.\u201d<\/p>\n See? Tom and Co. did everything right to defang Manohla Dargis of the New York Times, Kyle Smith of the Wall Street Journal, Owen Gleiberman of Variety and David Erlich of IndieWire. And little old me, of course.<\/p>\n