(Annie Lane is off this week. The following column was first published in 2022.)<\/p>\n
Dear Annie: <\/p>\n
I have a friend, \u201cMarcy,\u201d whom I\u2019ve known for about six years through a mutual group of acquaintances. She was very kind when my mother was alive, often coming over to help, and she has also helped with my kids. Over time we became friends. Marcy is single, on disability and doesn\u2019t drive. I\u2019m married and work full time, and I\u2019ve always tried to be accommodating and to help when I can.<\/p>\n
Recently, she has been pressing me to drive her to a specialty clinic out of state for a consultation she scheduled on her own. This isn\u2019t a referral from her local doctor. To take her would mean three to four days off work for me and an eight-hour drive each way in the middle of winter.<\/p>\n
A few months ago, she went to a similar clinic in another state, and it didn\u2019t offer anything more helpful than her local treatment options. She even ended up hospitalized while she was there.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve given her other transportation ideas, but she says none of them will work. I don\u2019t want to be a bad friend or make her feel rejected, but I don\u2019t believe this trip will help her \u2014 and I simply cannot take a week off work to do it. I also suspect part of this may be mental and\/or self-inflicted.<\/p>\n
Her medical problems have increased over the past year, especially after \u201cElaine,\u201d the relative she lives with, began treatment for cancer. Over the last two years, Marcy has pushed away nearly everyone in our group except one or two people because they \u201cdon\u2019t have enough time for her.\u201d She nearly ended our friendship over something similar.<\/p>\n
When Elaine and Marcy stayed with us for a while so Elaine could regain strength, I noticed a pattern: Whenever stress rose \u2014 Elaine needing treatments, plans with other people or someone else going through a hard time \u2014 Marcy would retreat to her room and soon afterward end up in the hospital. In the last six months, she\u2019s been hospitalized more than Elaine has.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t want to confront her harshly, especially since I\u2019m one of the few people she has left, but I\u2019m at a loss. Any advice would help.<\/p>\n
\u2014 Caring but Confused<\/p>\n
Dear Caring but Confused: <\/p>\n
You\u2019ve been more than a good friend to Marcy; you\u2019ve been a lifeline. But even the most generous soul has limits, and it sounds like you\u2019ve reached yours.<\/p>\n
An eight-hour winter drive and several days off work for a nonreferral appointment is far beyond what any friend should be expected to provide. You\u2019ve offered alternatives, and she\u2019s rejected them.<\/p>\n
The pattern you\u2019ve noticed \u2014 health crises rising with stress \u2014 suggests Marcy may need more support than friends can provide. Nudge her gently toward talking with a doctor or counselor about what\u2019s been happening. If she reacts badly, remember that a friend who requires you to sacrifice your job and peace of mind is asking too much.<\/p>\n
You\u2019ve carried her as far as you reasonably can. Now give her the chance \u2014 and the responsibility \u2014 to reach for the kind of help that can truly support her.<\/p>\n
\u201cOut of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness\u201d is out now! Annie Lane\u2019s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged \u2014 because forgiveness isn\u2019t for them. It\u2019s for you. Visit http:\/\/www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"(Annie Lane is off this week. The following column was first published in 2022.) Dear Annie: I have…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":77084,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39],"tags":[9,24,63,134,136,135],"class_list":{"0":"post-77083","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-staten-island","8":"tag-new-york","9":"tag-new-york-city","10":"tag-nyc","11":"tag-staten-island","12":"tag-staten-island-headlines","13":"tag-staten-island-news"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77083","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=77083"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77083\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/77084"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=77083"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=77083"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-ny\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=77083"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}