I bleed black and gold and probably a little Heinz ketchup, since my grandpa was Heinz’ last blacksmith. I’ve interviewed everyone connected with Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, including the guy who is known solely for getting a machete stuck in his head. I judged a Mike Lange sound-alike contest alongside the Penguins legend Mike Lange himself. I trained my palate to actually like (even prefer) IC Light Mango.
So, few are more Pittsburgh-brained than me. And even I think this is kind of ridiculous: National Geographic just named Pittsburgh among “The Best Places in the World to Travel to in 2026.” There we are, up there with Rio de Janeiro, Milan, and Vancouver.
Look, it’s good to aspire to greatness, and I think we should shoot a little higher than our usual goal of being slightly better than Cleveland and Cincinnati. However, self-deprecation is also a pretty deeply ingrained Pittsburgh trait; good luck getting us to actually take a compliment without turning it into a joke.
Plus, there are towns of less than 1,000 in the Swiss Alps with better public transit than us. Let’s be a little humble here.
For sale: 2130 Pittview Ave., Troy Hill, $250,000.
This house looks like it’s laughing at me, and I can’t help but respect its audacity. You keep on chuckling, strangely large Troy Hill house! 2,100 square feet is nothing in the suburbs but it’s positively enormous in Troy Hill. It accomplishes this by looking like three different houses, in three different styles and/or claddings, stacked on top of each other. It’s odd, but hey, it’s got a garage and a gigantic porch on top of it, and you don’t usually get both in the city.
2031 Lautner St. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For sale: 2031 Lautner St., Troy Hill, $365,000.
This price is on the high side for Troy Hill, a solid neighborhood with a lot of cheaper homes available. However, it’s in very good shape and also has multiple weird little windows,and I’m kind of a sucker for those. This one looks like a scared face reacting with horror at its howling-mad neighbor … and, plot twist, they are conjoined together for eternity! Somebody, write this screenplay!
1026 N. Canal St. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For rent: 1026 N. Canal St., Sharpsburg, $1,200/month.
Oh, you want a nice normal apartment to rent? Haha, boy are you in the wrong place. I mean, I tried, but that got pretty boring fast. So, now you have to look at this weird Sharpsburg home whose surfaces refuse to meet at right angles — like a German Expressionist silent film with slightly better lighting — which seems to reveal the fractured psyche of its creator. Or, maybe it’s just old and kind of settled into this shape over time.
1188 New Hampshire Dr. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For sale: 1188 New Hampshire Dr., Marshall-Shadeland, $114,900.
Picture Pittsburgh in 1940 when this little house was built. We finally made it through the Great Depression, and the steel mills were burning bright around the clock, a tiny spark of hope in world subsumed in fascism’s looming darkness. Somehow, this cute little guy made it through that, and everything else since then. For that reason, I’m willing to overlook the metal awning and new faux-wood floors. I hope I look this good at 85.
1616 Myler St. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For sale: 1616 Myler St., Fineview, $191,500.
Another 1940 house, with a kitchen that looks like it hasn’t changed one iota since Grandpa came home from the war. (Hopefully, there were a few Duquesne Pilsners chilling in that bright red vintage fridge.) Did all home appliances look like Streamline Moderne automobiles back then? If so, why did that have to change?
1721 S. Canal St. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For rent: 1721 S. Canal St., Sharpsburg, $970-1,220/month.
When you reach a certain age, there’s apparently an overwhelming urge to talk shit about the subsequent generations. I generally don’t indulge; just don’t ask me to care about manosphere influencers or K-Pop and we’re cool. But here’s one exception: we all know who’s dropping the minimalist-greige bomb on Pittsburgh interiors, and it ain’t us Gen-X’ers still wearing flannels from 1993. If the last deep-fried-Yinzer kitchens and bathrooms are hunted to extinction from even their ancestral homelands like Sharpsburg, you’re going to have a problem with me.
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