Since everybody seems qualified to give the new mayor advice, why not us? Of course, this is kind of like sending your wish list to Santa — your chances of getting what you want rise if you’ve been good, but rise a lot more if you’ve been rich. (Me? I’m neither).

So, what do we really need, as a city?

(Now, I know it’s hard to distinguish between wants and needs. Like I want smooth, well-maintained roads, but I need a power-hitting third baseman to give Paul Skenes some run support. It’s a fine line).

How about these, for starters:

More long fights about citywide zoning laws. People can’t get enough of that. 

Give veto power over every proposed housing development to nebby neighbors, Facebook uncles, “alpha male” podcasters who are scared of cities, and those who only come into town for Stillers games and Kenny Chesney. They know best.

Parking lots should receive all the protections of historic preservation. This includes brand new parking lots. And yet-to-be-built parking lots. And dreams of parking lots (see below), which are parking lots of the mind.

Popular places like Lawrenceville and the Strip can be a little inconvenient to park in. Flattening everything on the river side of Butler Street for parking ought to do it. (Plus, less popular destinations = less trouble finding a spot. Win-win).

The barbaric, anarchic practice of parking chairs encourages disregard of established, enforceable law. Into the trash they go.

Mister Rogers’ message of radical kindness and inclusivity is great but doesn’t really fit the spirit of the times (read the room, guy). Be a good neighbor only if your neighbors look and think like you.

“FAHRRRR TOMLIN!!!”

You’re welcome, Pittsburgh.

(*Sigh. I should probably note that I was not being entirely serious here).

For sale: 848 Grand Ave., Woods Run, $239,900.

Just when you thought you’d seen it all, here’s a house that’s literally black and gold. And yet, it was built in 1900, long before Pittsburgh laid exclusive claim to those hues. Someone had the forethought to go yellow brick/black trim, with absolutely no knowledge of the Steel Curtain, Darius Kasparaitis, and “We Are Family.” Amazing.

The Kennilworth, 5700 Centre Ave. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow

For rent: The Kennilworth, 5700 Centre Ave., Shadyside, $1,095-1,495.

Not to repeat any stupidity from last week, but if you’re going to give a building a name, it should be something memorable, yet solid and dependable. The Kennilworth sounds like a nice place for dogs. Otherwise, this place is fine, though it’s not nearly as good as when Jimmy Tsang’s Chinese restaurant (RIP) was on the ground floor. I used to regard a friend who lived upstairs with jealousy for that reason alone.

2373 E. Beckert Ave. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow

For sale: 2373 E. Beckert Ave., Reserve Township, $225,000.

Going out on a limb here and say there should be more orange Creamsicle-colored living rooms, which look surprisingly dignified against hardwood floors and stained glass windows. If you can find the secret pathway to all the bounty of Millvale (I’m not kidding, I love Jean-Marc Chatellier’s French Bakery and Attic Records), then that makes up for the fact that that you can’t really walk anywhere here. Price cut: $14,500 this month.

34 Hickory St. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow

For rent: 34 Hickory St., Etna, $1,600/month.

I started calling denizens of Etna “Etnoids” this summer during a Little League game, which was not intended as a compliment. Unfortunately, it’s fun to say, and I have been unable to coin anything remotely that cool for my own neighborhood. Etnoids win again!

825 Orchard Ave. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow

For sale: 825 Orchard Ave., Avalon, $219,900.

When I think of “Avalon,” I’m first thinking about Mamoru Oshii’s forgotten Polish-Japanese sci-fi flick about a brilliant player of a virtual-reality first-person shooter, who finds herself unable to leave, or even distinguish, reality from the game. It predicted our present reality in so many ways! If I think of a second thing, it will be this cool little blue farmhouse in the Pittsburgh suburb Avalon, which bears no resemblance to the movie’s gloomy Wroclaw/Krakow setting, except maybe for a mutual interest in pierogies.

The Wellington, 245 Melwood Ave. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow

For rent: The Wellington, 245 Melwood Ave., Oakland, $1,350/month.

“The Wellington” – yeah, that’s a decent name for an elegant pre-war apartment building. Because it sounds vaguely British, and, uh, like beef. They don’t build ‘em like this anymore, and unless we can train AI in masonry techniques that turn-of-the-century Italian immigrants took to their graves, we aren’t getting any more of these.

This article appears in Nov. 19-25, 2025.

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