If you look at a lot of houses — or lots of very similar things of any kind — eventually, your brain will start seeing patterns where there are none. In a sure sign that I’ve been doing this column for too long, I tend to see faces — windows as eyes, weathered metal awnings as salt-and-pepper mustaches, and so on.
So, to take that impulse to its logical conclusion, here’s a bunch of Pittsburgh houses that remind me of Pittsburgh sporting semi-legends.
(Coming soon: houses that remind me of Pittsburgh sandwiches, and houses that remind me of obscure Pittsburgh musicians/bands).
For sale: 622 Whitney Ave., Apt. 4, Regent Square, $169,000.
Imagine trying to box out a condominium while scrapping for rebounds with the beasts of the old Big East. This place reminds me of DeJuan Blair, who stomped out of the Hill District and the late Schenley High (RIP, you deserved better than becoming condos) like Godzilla, winning the PIAA 4A championship in 2007. He was a 6’7”, 270-pound All-American for Pitt, very short for a center, but with the wingspan of a pterodactyl, and could bench-press a PRT bus. Pitt was ranked no. 1 in the country a few times with Blair taking up space in the paint. He ended up with a respectable pro career ranging from the NBA to Russia to China (with the incredibly named Jiangsu Monkey King).
Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For rent: The Lofts at Terrain, 700 Mansfield Ave., Carnegie, $905-1,465/month.
There aren’t a lot of general practitioners in football; the game rewards specialization, filling one specific role very well. T.J. Watt pretty much just chases quarterbacks, for instance. Then there was Antwaan Randle El, a wide receiver who could scamper through defenses like a squirrel, and throw the ball like a quarterback — which was his job in college, honed while running for his life at Indiana. The ultimate Swiss Army knife of a football player reminds me of this odd duck of an apartment complex, in a location that doesn’t follow the rules of what suburbs are supposed to look and feel like. It looks weird, but that’s a great price, and if it works, it works.
3223 Willett Rd. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For sale: 3223 Willett Rd., Brentwood, $220,000.
This house reminds me of Pokey Reese, a kind of guy that used to be common in baseball, but now barely exists — the speedy little slick-fielding middle infielder who can’t hit his way out of a wet paper bag. This kind of house barely exists anymore, either; like Pokey, it’s small (1,275 square feet), yet gets the job done, keeping you and your family safe and warm. If you don’t need a massive monster truck of a house with a three-car garage and a helipad, why pay for one?
LiveWell Apartments, 550 Wood St. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For rent: LiveWell Apartments, 550 Wood St., Downtown, $1,718/month.
The cliché about Finland is that it’s full of taciturn types saving their emotions for the sauna, while ensconced in coldly chic Scandinavian minimalist homes. Then, there was Jarko Ruutu, a rough customer who played for the Pens, who once bit a guy on the ice (to be fair, the dude did stick his fingers in Jarko’s mouth). Pittsburghers tend to love anyone who plays with an edge, and “The Meat Hammer” (OK, only I called him this) was always going to finish his checks at the other team’s expense. These apartments are finished in Finnish-approved minimalist style, but that’s just to get to a sale — you can do what you want when you move in, like Jarko.
125 Marlin Drive W. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For sale: 125 Marlin Drive W., Mt. Lebanon, $485,000.
Maybe this is a little on-the-nose, but there was a Bucco who seemed like a legend for half a season (97 RBIs before the All-Star break in 2019), then faceplanted in the second half. Josh Bell had the raw power to blast balls out of PNC Park into the river, but cheap-o management wasn’t impressed, so he ended up as a bad-glove journeyman slugger for a bunch of other teams, including the Miami Marlins (it’s on Marlin Drive; get it?). Josh gets the last laugh; he’s still pulling in a big-league paycheck and lives on in the jerseys of innumerable yinzers who assumed he was the herald of a future that never arrived.
1523 Dagmar Ave. Credit: Courtesy of Zillow
For sale: 1523 Dagmar Ave., Beechview, $1,650/month.
I actually had the thought, “I wish I could find a house that reminds me of Steelers nose tackle Casey Hampton,” which has likely never been thought before in the history of the human race. And then I found this place. “Big Snack” was as wide as he was tall, seemed like a terrifying hybrid of pitbull and Gummi bear. That fence is there for your protection, not his.
This article appears in The Big Winter Issue: Winter Guide/People of the Year.
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