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<\/a>Baby Zlatos, of Allison Park, Feb. 18. (Photo by Cara Zlatos\/Pittsburgh\u2019s Public Source)<\/p>\nI imagined that a few months in I\u2019d find myself glowing, feeling rested and confident with a sense of freedom returning.<\/p>\n
Instead, I found myself still in the trenches.<\/p>\n
Days blurred together in a cycle of sleep deprivation, baby\u2019s crying spells, troubleshooting and exhaustion. Every day felt like an experiment: new strategies, new theories, constant problem-solving. My mental capacity slowly wore down.<\/p>\n
This time isn\u2019t just about learning how to care for a baby; it\u2019s about becoming someone entirely new overnight. Your sense of self shifts all at once, without a warm-up. Difficulty here isn\u2019t a personal shortcoming. It\u2019s a human response to a massive life change.<\/p>\n
I assumed that if I needed help, it would be there. It wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Specialized postpartum mental health care continues to be difficult to access. This is not an individual failure \u2014 it\u2019s a systemic one. Too many women are told to reach out for help without being told how hard it may be to actually receive it.<\/p>\n
A baby who needed more<\/p>\n
My postpartum experience was further complicated by a baby who needed more support than expected. He had long stretches of crying, medical concerns and sleep issues. Each challenge on its own was manageable. Together, they compounded.<\/p>\n
My notes looked like a medical chart crossed with a diary. At some point, we stopped searching for the answer and started layering small ones. None of it was instant, and none of it was perfect. Progress came quietly, unevenly and without a clear explanation.<\/p>\n
Nights stretched on endlessly, marked by frequent wakings and heightened anxiety. Even when my husband took over, my body stayed on alert \u2014 half-awake, bracing for the next cry.<\/p>\n
Even in the hardest nights, though, there was still so much love: holding my baby close, nursing him and smiling at him. I was reminding myself again and again that he wasn\u2019t giving me a hard time \u2014 he was having a hard time.<\/p>\n Sleep deprivation alone can break a person. Add postpartum hormones, and it becomes something else entirely.<\/p>\n After each major crying spell that lasted days, a new skill suddenly appeared. It was as if his body was saying, \u201cSomething is changing \u2026 but first, I scream.\u201d<\/p>\n These nights live permanently in my body. These are the nights that broke me.<\/p>\n Cries etched into my nervous system<\/p>\n My baby\u2019s cry feels permanently engraved into my nervous system, looping endlessly. I used to think \u201cphantom cries\u201d were a cute parenting joke, like, \u201cAw, I miss my baby so much that I thought I heard a little cry.\u201d<\/p>\n No. With postpartum anxiety, it is not cute.<\/p>\n By four months postpartum, my anxiety had reached a point where I would hear clear, screaming cries even when my baby was sleeping peacefully beside me. Not muffled. Not questionable. I would tell myself it wasn\u2019t real. And my body wouldn\u2019t listen.<\/p>\n There were moments when that overload tipped even further. I fainted, my nervous system pushed past its limits. My body shut down before my mind could catch up. It was another reminder that postpartum stress doesn\u2019t always look like tears or racing thoughts; sometimes it looks like the body pulling the emergency brake.<\/p>\n I lay awake in the middle of the night, afraid of the cry meant to protect him.<\/p>\n Women\u2019s bodies are wired for this. Our hormones are calibrated to hear, respond and react instantly. It\u2019s a system built for survival, not rest, but one that also brings panic.<\/p>\n There was also physical pain: a deep, hormonal pain that flared during nursing and intensified when my baby cried for extended periods. Early on, it was debilitating. Even months later, there are flare-ups that cause weakness in my legs and immobility.<\/p>\n This is the part of postpartum that\u2019s rarely talked about. It\u2019s not just the emotions, but the way the body responds, how the nervous system and hormones activate before the mind ever has a chance to intervene. My reactions don\u2019t live only in my thoughts; they live in my body, in reflexes I don\u2019t consciously choose.<\/p>\n This matters. It expands the story of postpartum beyond feelings and into physiology. It helps explain why prolonged crying can be so destabilizing, why it can feel overwhelming even when you\u2019re doing everything \u201cright.\u201d This isn\u2019t a failure of coping, it\u2019s a body responding exactly as it was wired to, even when that wiring comes at a cost.<\/p>\n For me, life narrowed down to survival.<\/p>\n Alongside the physical responses came compulsive vigilance, nights spent checking and re-checking: breathing, movement, sleep, feeds, medications. Even when I knew my baby was safe, my mind latched onto monitoring as a way to manage fear.<\/p>\n My nervous system was stuck in overdrive, unable to power down.<\/p>\n Postpartum doesn\u2019t just change how you feel. It changes how you think, how you react, how your mind scans for danger. These patterns can be exhausting, invisible and deeply isolating. It can feel heavy in ways that are difficult to explain, especially when you\u2019re living it.<\/p>\n Finding roses among the thorns\u00a0<\/p>\n None of this is a lack of love. It\u2019s context and normalization. It is not a sad story; it\u2019s an honest one. It\u2019s what living through a hard season can look like. There is light here too.<\/p>\n Some of my favorite moments are the quiet ones: the weight of my baby sleeping on my chest, the little sigh of his breath against my skin, the laughter that now comes more easily. These moments matter. They are the reason we keep going.<\/p>\n I know someday I\u2019ll miss this.<\/p>\n And still, I sometimes wish time away.<\/p>\n During the brutal nights, I wish for morning \u2026 and when morning arrives, I wish for more sleep.<\/p>\n Just like my unmatched love for my baby and the haunting trials of early motherhood, both things can exist.<\/p>\n But, all of it is worth it.<\/p>\n Worth it for the way my baby lights up first thing in the morning simply because he sees my face. Worth it for the calm that settles over him when he hears my voice. Worth it to feel his tiny hand wrapping around my finger. Worth it for the sounds of his cooing.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t need this season to be easy to know it is meaningful.<\/p>\n Why I\u2019m sharing this\u00a0<\/p>\n This isn\u2019t just my experience. It\u2019s happening quietly in homes all across Pittsburgh. Behind nursery doors. In the middle of the night.<\/p>\n New parents can be taught how to swaddle and change a diaper. They are sent home with paperwork and follow-up appointments. But if they aren\u2019t prepared for the hormonal crash, the nervous system overload, the mental health risks, and the long waitlists for specialized care, then they are only being told half the story.<\/p>\n Over and over, women tell me the same thing: Time softens the edges of even the hardest days. Some forget naturally. Some choose to forget. Some choose to remember, and talk about it.<\/p>\n I\u2019m choosing to remember.<\/p>\n This story is anchored in growth, bonding and forward movement \u2026 not just survival.<\/p>\n Postpartum mental health struggles are real. They are common. And they are still not talked about enough.<\/p>\n If we pride ourselves on being a city that shows up for one another, then postpartum support can\u2019t be an afterthought. It has to be part of the plan. Pittsburgh could lead in this. We have world-class hospitals. We have strong communities. We have women willing to tell the truth. If we listen and act, the next mother won\u2019t have to piece everything together in the dark.<\/p>\n If you didn\u2019t enjoy every moment, nothing is wrong with you.<\/p>\n If you feel overwhelmed by love and fear at the same time, nothing is wrong with you.<\/p>\n If your body and mind changed in ways you weren\u2019t prepared for, nothing is wrong with you.<\/p>\n We should talk about this. Out loud. Without shame.<\/p>\n Postpartum, Out Loud<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Local Resources for Postpartum Health: Although this essay draws attention to gaps in local resources, these organizations offer a range of supports to birthing and beyond.<\/p>\n The Alexis Joy Foundation<\/a>, a dedicated postpartum treatment center at West Penn Hospital, 4800 Friendship Ave., Pittsburgh, PA 15224, 412-578-4030 Writer Cara Zlatos is a teacher and the photographer behind Cara Eliza Photography, documenting families across the Pittsburgh area. She can be reached at carazlatos@gmail.com<\/a> or caraelizaphotography.mypixieset.com<\/a>. This article<\/a> first appeared on Pittsburgh\u2019s Public Source<\/a>,\u00a0a nonprofit media organization delivering local journalism at publicsource.org<\/a>. Sign up for their newsletters at publicsource.org\/newsletters.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"It all began at UPMC Magee-Womens Hospital in Oakland, the place where our entire world shifted in a…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":149459,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[73,75,74,2105],"class_list":["post-149458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-pittsburgh","tag-pittsburgh","tag-pittsburgh-headlines","tag-pittsburgh-news","tag-public-source"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=149458"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149458\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/149459"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=149458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=149458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-pa\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=149458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/a>\u201cIt was as if his body was saying, \u2018Something is changing \u2026 but first, I scream.\u2019\u201d Essayist Cara Zlatos\u00a0reflects on her baby\u2019s development while she struggled with postpartum distress. (Photo by Cara Zlatos\/Pittsburgh\u2019s Public Source)<\/p>\n<\/a>Cara Zlatos uses physical touch to console her baby. (Photo by Cara Zlatos\/Pittsburgh\u2019s Public Source)<\/p>\n
\nPostpartum Pittsburgh<\/a>, a non-profit organization connecting parents with postpartum symptoms to online and offline resources.<\/p>\n