Second semester in, and I’ve reflected.
Since kindergarten, I was not a perfect student. Shy, A-B honor roll, but I was also very close to getting C’s. I had a best friend who everybody compared me to and she was clearly the smarter one. I was not the worst, but I was not the best either. I grew insecure and academic validation was my life.
I have always doubted and compared myself to others. It was natural for me to grow envious of others because they were more involved than I was or they had five points higher than I did on a test. I joined so many clubs to show I was better than everyone. I didn’t do anything for the right reasons. I carried this till my senior year of high school, making me quite a sour person.
I got into the University of Texas at Austin (UT). I could say UT was overrated, but it was my dream school. My mom cried when I announced my acceptance and I cried because I knew my decision was not to go. It wasn’t about the tuition or about a better school waiting for me; it was because I was too intimidated to go. I won’t lie, it was hard to look at someone wearing a Longhorn hat, or going through Instagram stories and seeing people pose in front of the infamous UT tower, even some of my family knew I wanted to go there, to see their shock when there was a University of Texas at El Paso (UTEP) flag at my graduation party.
I became bitter, and that was not a great start to my first semester.
My first semester was not ideal. I was thrown into a harsh journalism class, and I had to take on the role of our Multimedia editor, Sebastian Perez-Navarro, for a whole semester. I can tell you with confidence that you will not see me as a multimedia editor anytime soon.
During finals week, I got two hours of sleep every day. For my last final, I studied for six hours straight because I had only realized two weeks prior that I missed about 20 readings, 10 documentaries,
That day of the final, I only had a medium Dunkin’ iced coffee, a venti Starbucks sugar cookie latte and a confetti bundt cake in my system. I wondered why all of that came out of my system before I took my oral exam via Zoom.
Embarrassingly enough, after my oral exam, my mom came into my room right after and I collapsed into her arms. The disappointment I had in myself was unbearable. Bawling my eyes out, I was expressing my disappointment in myself since I bombed my final and had a 73 in that class already. I was so scared to admit that I possibly failed my class, but to my surprise, my mom was nothing but proud of me for finally admitting that I struggle. All I could think about that moment was that I was a failure. I had never failed a class, and now, what’s supposed to be my easiest semester, I did just that.
But that made me realize something. Did I ever give myself room to acknowledge my hard work? A break? Or even that this is my first ever semester where I’m already a junior but also an editor for a newspaper? Of course not, because I was unfair and bitter to myself. I was there my first semester to prove to people that I am still better, but I needed to take accountability for what I was doing to myself and realize that not everything is a competition.
Now I am better than ever.
Starting my second semester, I have finally gotten into the groove of things, I am finally gaining confidence in myself and my work. I am finally forming good habits like writing things down in my planner and making time for myself. I am also now anticipating a trip to Denton, Texas, where I get to compete in newspaper layout. I made the dean’s list and turns out the class I supposedly failed, I passed with a B.
I did not do all of this by myself. I had the best mom, brother, grandparents and friends who never failed to make me smile and never let me put myself down. To my best friend (You know who you are), even when we fight, are busy, or are both just tired, you have always been my inspiration and help toward success. You are the key to my motivation to stay successful alongside you. I dedicate my improvement and this story to you. Thank you.
Mia Colmenero is layout editor and may be reached at [email protected].
