When the always cheerful internet got a recent look at the new Universal Kids Resort in Frisco, Texas, a biblical-level gnashing of teeth soon followed. Many of the anonymous and probably childless hordes online were not impressed with the 20-acre resort specifically designed for families with kids aged 3-8.
“The landscaping outside of a McDonald’s: the ride,” wrote one person, eliciting over a thousand likes in assumed agreement. “Give me two weeks and I could build this in my backyard,” another added.
Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes and his family seemed to enjoy it during a preview. But the general sense from those looking at jpegs before its July 1 opening is that the resort is a barren, concrete-laden wasteland posing as a theme park, and no adult, let alone child, would ever be able to enjoy themselves there. Surely when it opened we’d see nothing less than the Fyre Fest of theme parks, with crowds frantically rushing toward the exits out of sheer boredom.
But then a strange thing happened. The park actually opened to real live human beings who don’t live on the internet, and they seemed … to have fun. Likely because they remembered something the internet doesn’t understand: The park is for very small kids, and when you’re a parent, you compromise.
“We went, and we had a fantastic time. My child is still talking about it days later,” one mother wrote on Facebook upon visiting recently. “We paid to go on Saturday and it was a blast. We can’t wait to go back,” wrote another. At the moment, most Google reviews seem to be positive. And this D Magazine writer and his kids seemed to enjoy it as well, noting that he believes “Universal Kids Resort will weather the negative social media dogpile.”
The idea behind the resort is a more manageable, less overwhelming park experience—with shorter walks, simpler attractions and a heavy focus on familiar characters from DreamWorks, Illumination and Nickelodeon. The park features seven themed lands, including a Minions area with a water ride, SpongeBob SquarePants’ Bikini Bottom with a splash pad, DreamWorks’ TrollsFest, Jurassic World Adventure Camp with a ropes course, and Shrek’s Swamp.
Did the smattering of positive reviews sway the cynical? Not at all. Such glowing reviews were accused of colluding with the enemy, as in being influencers who were invited to attend the park for free with the implicit understanding that they’d positively review it.
“Invited or cheap influencer opinions on a limited access day are not realistic,” said one detractor. “Wait until people have to start paying to get in,” another added. Yikes. There may be no convincing people.
Maybe it is a tad underwhelming, maybe it’s not. But regardless, theme parks are not like kids’ movies where the writers insert subtle adult jokes to keep the parents entertained. At a park designed for literal toddlers, it doesn’t really matter what anyone of a double-digit age thinks.
The problem, thankfully, is that these young kids don’t have social media accounts, so we may never know the truth.