Crime procedural shows like Law & Order have given many of us the wrong idea about how crimes are investigated- the sad fact is that most departments simply don’t have the resources for forensics of that caliber, especially not for more minor crimes. However, I propose that we do invest in a TV show-caliber special unit to catch and prosecute porch pirates, because I really, really despise them in particular.

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How We Fund The Special Package Unit

First off, the name is hilarious, so let’s make shirts. Second, do an actual TV show of these people getting busted. I’d watch it and find it extremely satisfying, especially if they open a decoy box that happens to be full of something nasty that spills all over them. Admit it, you’d watch that show, too.

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For an added layer of entertainment, we could have a Chris Hanson-style host who talks to the people who get busted and makes them look like absolute fools and creeps for their crimes. I volunteer, I’d be amazing at it.

Facial recognition. Fingerprinting. Footage review. Whatever it takes. I want them BUSTED. I want Forensic Files level of attention to this.

Why We Should All Be Passionate About This

Why am I so upset by porch pirates? Well, there are several reasons, and they all point to that person being a sociopath for doing it. For one, they don’t really know what they are stealing. It could be medicine or medical equipment, for example. It could also be extremely useless to the thief, like a part for a machine they don’t own. And it’s not like they are going to return it if they can’t use it or sell it.

Second, it constitutes a significant breach of neighborly trust. A porch pirate walks right up to your front door to take from you, something, anything, in the hopes that it might have some value. That’s so heinous. I’m kinda for bringing back the medieval punishment of making people wear clothes that state their crimes. They should have to wear “I’m a porch pirate creep” T-shirt so everyone else knows who they are dealing with- a person with total disregard for others.

The Top 10 Most Wanted Gang Fugitives in Lubbock For November 2025

Lubbock Police, Lubbock County Sheriff’s Department, and even authorities in other parts of Texas are looking for these fugitives who have been spotted before in the Lubbock area. Take a look and see if you recognize any of these fugitives.

Gallery Credit: Chad Hasty

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