I love a good Hallmark film around the holidays. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine. Which brought me to wonder what if there was one set in Lubbock that was actually realistic?
If Hallmark ever tried to set one of their perfectly predictable Christmas movies in Lubbock, Texas, the entire channel would malfunction. Their writers would be screaming. Their cameras would be covered in dust. Their actresses’ hair would be standing straight up from the wind like a weather experiment gone wrong. And honestly? The movie would probably be a masterpiece.
Because instead of a charming Vermont bakery or a small town with a suspiciously large snow budget, they’d get us: West Texans sliding around in a pickup on black ice while wearing a jacket that’s “not that cold.”
Let’s imagine how a real Hallmark Christmas would go down… Lubbock style.
Opening Scene: The Meet-Cute That Shouldn’t Have HappenedPhoto by Jonathan J. Castellon on Unsplash
Instead of bumping into each other while carrying matching peppermint mochas, our leads meet when the city bus gets stuck in dirt and wind at the same time. He tries to hold the door open, but the West Texas gust slams it back into both of them. Romantic!
The Small Town Bakery Is Actually United on 82ndPhoto by Mink Mingle on Unsplash
And instead of freshly baked cinnamon rolls, our heroine is fighting an elderly woman over the bag of those glorious and perfectly seasoned tortilla chips from the deli. The soundtrack is the constant beep-beep-beep of the self-checkout rejecting her coupon.
The Lubbock Snow ScenePhoto by Zac Durant on Unsplash
Hallmark snow gently falls in soft, magical flakes. Lubbock snow arrives sideways at 60 mph, exfoliating your face and ruining the blowout you tried to preserve from Thanksgiving. The director screams, “WHO TURNED ON THE FOG MACHINE?” The weather screams back, “THIS IS THE FOG MACHINE!”
The “He’s a Cowboy” Love InterestPhoto by Brock Wegner on Unsplash
Hallmark men: rugged ranchers with perfectly trimmed beards.
Lubbock men: owns three Carhartt jackets, a fishing hoodie, and one pair of jeans “nice enough for church.”
Drives a truck that he claims is new, but the tailgate is held on with faith and a bungee cord.
But he’s sweet. He opens your door. He knows the good tamale lady. He’s a keeper.
The Town Tree LightingPhoto by Brooks DeCillia on Unsplash
In Hallmark, flawless, magical, children singing, the mayor wearing a scarf worth your rent.
In Lubbock, half the lights don’t work, the wind knocks over the backdrop, and someone’s uncle has to hold the tree steady so it doesn’t roll into Avenue Q.
Children still sing, but one of them drops the candle, and it becomes an insurance situation.
The Dramatic Break-Up ScenePhoto by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash
In Hallmark: She sees him hugging another woman.
In Lubbock: She sees him waving at his ex in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru and decides she’s moving to Amarillo to “start fresh.”
They reunite when she realizes Amarillo is not worth rebuilding her life over.
The Grand Finale KissPhoto by Aleksandra Sapozhnikova on Unsplash
In snowy Hallmark? Perfect. Cinematic. Soft.
In Lubbock? They lean in… A giant gust of wind slaps tumbleweed into their ankles…
His hat flies off…Her hair wraps around her neck like a scarf…
But they kiss anyway, because that’s what West Texans do: We fight the weather, we kiss through chaos, and we make it work.
The Truth is…
If Hallmark ever dared to film here, they’d create their most honest holiday movie yet, messy, windy, unpredictable, and full of heart. Just like us. Come to think of it, we are a Hallmark movie. It’s just more of a comedy than a romance…
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