In 2019, the Texas legislature passed a bill legalizing the production and sale of industrial hemp products. The idea was to allow Texas farmers to grow a profitable cash crop in the wake of a federal law that loosened hemp regulations. As long as the plants contained less than 0.3 percent THC, it would all be hunky dory in the eyes of the state. It was touted as a win for farmers, veterans and average joes.
Then, the monkey’s paw curled.
Almost immediately, Texas caught pseudo-reefer madness. Shops mostly sold CBD products at first, but quickly, Delta-8, Delta-10, and other hemp-derived THC products that essentially get you just as high as illegal, normal weed flooded the market. Previously empty strip malls and vacant lots were taken over by smoke shops with marijuana leaf-shaped neon signs out front advertising that Decidedly Not Weed products, as well as all manner of Rick and Morty paraphernalia, were sold there. Texans soon became familiar with acronyms like THCP, THCA and THC-O.
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On Friday, Texas will begin pulling Delta-8 THC and similar products off the shelves. The Texas Department of State Health Services will reclassify Delta-8 THC and some of its derivatives as controlled substances, though some Delta-9 products will remain legal. Most smokeable products will become illegal. There will surely be loopholes for stuff that will still get you high, but not to the extent previously.
For the past few years, journalists have covered the legal back-and-forth over THC in Texas and tried to explain what this all is. Politicians, chief among them D.A.R.E.-adherent and weed-thrower Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, sparred with hemp retailers and bemoaned the colorful packaging while telling harrowing tales of Texas kids who got sick from accidentally eating them. This whole rigamarole ignored the crucial, hilarious big picture: Texas lawmakers essentially legalized weed without legalizing weed and are now trying to un-legalize it as fast as possible.
Edibles at Urban Flower, a CBD and THC dispensary in Houston on Friday, Oct. 28, 2022 in Houston. The company hopes to expand its product lines as state laws evolve.
Houston Chronicle/Hearst Newspap/Houston Chronicle via Getty Imag
Yes, this is a flattening of the timeline and glosses over chemistry that differentiates this stuff from real, bona fide marijuana. I never totally understood some of the science or the differences between the various strains; when smoke shop employees tried, I just thought of that one Kyle Rittenhouse meme. What mattered is that this stuff, whether it was Delta-19 THCXYZ, was everywhere for a little bit, everyone and their mother was using it, and some of it really was extremely wild to use. Case in point: Every time I tried a Delta-8 gummy, I had a bad time.
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On a visit home for Christmas a few years ago, my mom asked if I wanted to try some gummies a friend had given her. I ate a quarter of one, and as we played UNO around the kitchen table, I felt like there were bees inside my skull. My hands got really sweaty, my eyes got dry. I got this unsettling feeling like everyone was looking at me weird as my stomach tied in knots. I ended the night freaking out, lying in total darkness in my childhood bedroom and wondering why my mom couldn’t just smoke a joint like a normal person. At another family gathering, my uncle gave me a Delta-8 gummy so strong I threw up and saw visual hallucinations while watching Futurama. Some of this stuff got you straight up geeked.
This is not to play into moral panic arguments, but to illustrate that Texas’ THC product landscape has been a total Wild West. On the other end of the spectrum, I bought all manner of various legal hemp-derived carts and smoked plenty of Delta-8 flower that were normal, if not very potent. Friends and I joked that the state of Texas had legalized mids before they legalized real weed.
Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick displays a range of intoxicating THC products available in Texas to illustrate his concerns that seemingly harmless snacks and drinks pose a danger to public health among children and adults.
Austin American-Statesman/Hearst/Houston Chronicle via Getty Imag
Of course, the legislature’s main role is to make sure nobody is having too much fun, and they quickly caught wind of just how bad they had messed up. Patrick, always the entertainer, started going to random smoke shops around Austin with a video crew and filming To Catch A Predator-style videos trying to paint THC products as a public danger. His persona, where he stood in front of stacks of colorful edible products and threw a few at reporters, would be too corny for an after-school special. For the past few years, Texas has put out a litany of confusing clarifications and regulations on the law that caused stoner friends to text me asking what is and isn’t illegal.
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Smart, funny and sometimes unhinged look at the week that was.
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As one era comes to an end and another begins, it’s important to note that despite how amusing this all is, real people are getting caught up in this crackdown. People who started businesses may have to close or dramatically reorient their business plans, and Austin Police have said they’ll enforce jail time for possession of Delta-8. Veterans and those with chronic pain who rely on some of these now-illegal products will have to figure something else out or turn to Texas’ bare-bones medical marijuana program. Texas lawmakers got us high on gas station weed, and now they want us to all go cold turkey.
But if we’ve learned one thing, it’s that our state’s hemp and THC industry is creative. Delta-8 may no longer be widely available, but just as kratom, corner store heroin, and whatever the hell “Feel Free” is are now everywhere, some other chemical that makes you scared will come along. Which brings me back to the nagging question whose answer would solve all of this: Can we just legalize real weed, pretty please?