I think the Grinch gets a bad rap. The suggestions that his shoes were too tight and his heart was two sizes too small are frankly patronizing. He clearly states the issues that bother him: the toys and the noise. I have to agree. The consumerism, the economy, it’s 80 degrees in November, I rant from just North of Whoville. “I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas” blares from the speakers at the Five Below stuffed to the brim with flimsy plastic products awaiting their journey to the landfill.
I guess you could call me a Grinch.
What I don’t like about holidays: the toys and the noise.
What I do like about holidays: days off and smoke sessions with my stoner friends.
As your cranky anti-billionaire neighborhood stoner, I’m begging you: Please don’t do your Christmas shopping on A*mazon. If you need me to give a list of reasons why, pass me the joint and I’ll list them alphabetically or in order of significance, your choice. Catch me at your local coffee shop, library, or live music venue as long as it’s not too late and I’m not too tired from work. After ranting at you about the government, I’ll give you some suggestions for what to get your stoner friends this holiday season.
For the friend visiting family for the holidays: a smell-proof bag. They’re made with a carbon filter to completely block the smell. Throw in a copy of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents while you’re at it. Pro tip from the folks at MaryJae on South Lamar, where I found a cute dog-shaped bag and a picnic print bag: If the effects start to weaken, you can revive the bag by drying it with a hair dryer.
For the gamer friend: some Tropicana Cherry sativa hybrid flower (because you know they’re out). This friend needs a strain potent enough to immerse them in the world of the game while still keeping their eyes open. While you’re at it, get them an LED light strip to really set the vibes and tell them I’m sorry GTA 6 still isn’t out yet.
For the DINK couple: Willie’s Remedy+ THC-infused spirit. The classy bottle will blend in perfectly on the bar cart during cocktail hour, can be added to any beverage, and will make the iPad kids at the family gathering more amusing than irritating. The DINKers can take the bottle home afterward to unwind and recap the family drama.
For the astrology girly: a hand-painted celestial glass piece, which you’ll find in the glassworks section of your local smoke shop. Bonus points if her zodiac sign is mentioned on it. This is the friend you invite over when your life is falling apart and end up learning some profound truths about life after a few hits of the perfect indica hybrid. While you’re at it, bring her a fresh tarot deck and have her pull a card for you.
For the gadget geek: a Stündenglass Gravity Infuser. It’s essentially a really nice gravity bong, but we all know that tech bro type who needs to be on the cutting edge and Apple hasn’t released the iBong yet. The folks at the Menchaca location of LazyDaze were kind enough to show me how it works, although to be honest I still don’t really get it. It will pair nicely with the AirPod 4000s or whatever they’re doing now.
For the mom friend: Hero Dose Rapid Onset THC gummies. When I spoke to Sydney Torabi over at Restart CBD + THC in North Austin, she noted that their customers tend to seek a higher dose during the holidays to get through the season. She cautioned that for the newbie, this product is best split in halves or fourths. They kick in within 15 minutes and will help your mom friend stay relaxed during visits to the grandparents and for the Santa isn’t real conversation you started with her 8-year-old.
For the chef: Crumble scratch-baked edibles. These aren’t made with concentrate like most THC snacks are these days. They’re made with infused butter – old school. I used to have a co-worker who baked me scratch-made edibles with infused butter that had an unknown level of potency and came in a plastic bag. I loved them. But I don’t know where she is now, so this is the next best thing.
For the fashion icon: a pair of dangly weed leaf-shaped earrings that double as joint holders. Yes, these exist. (I saw them at MaryJae.) This is probably the same friend who wears those scary hoof shoes and tries to tell you about the “sandwich method.”
For the bougie friend: a handmade lighter case. They’re elegant, a little expensive (some), and perfect for the friend who already has everything. It will seamlessly complement the midcentury modern style apartment and add some Old Hollywood glam to the next smoke session.
For the health-conscious friend: an herb vaporizer. These will lightly toast your bud and make you far less likely to hack up a lung. They are customizable and give you a hit easier on your throat than a joint or a pipe, which will be important for the 35th anniversary Austin marathon in February.
For the movie critic: Big Top popcorn (no association with the candy shop on South Congress). If you get the 100 mg caramel popcorn, you can time it to stay high through the whole two and a half hours of Frankenstein. You want to be high enough to be immersed in the world of the movie while still retaining enough critical thought to evaluate Jacob Elordi’s performance. Throw in some Flintts Mints for when the dry mouth hits.
What kind of stoner am I, you might be wondering as you note an unfamiliar byline under the Austin Chronic header. I’ve been designated the conspiracy theorist, the nerd, “Hyde from That 70s Show,” and unc by my Gen Z compatriots. I’ve been smoking joints in the alleyways of Austin for over a decade, and while I may be a grinch when it comes to holidays, consumerism, and corporatization, I have a special affection for Austin as Texas’ very own Island of Misfit Toys and I am committed to continue to keep it weird. And remember, kids, the true meaning of Christmas is the joints we smoked along the way.
Picking up the mantle from founding Austin Chronic columnist Kevin Curtin, Elizabeth Bradshaw will be back in two weeks with more musings on cannabis culture.
This article appears in December 12 • 2025.
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