What if Lubbock were a theme park ride? I imagine it wouldn’t be one of those fancy, air-conditioned attractions where you emerge with the same hairdo you started with and the lid still on your fountain drink. Nope. Not at all. I think it would be something between a Tilt-a-Whirl, a tornado simulator, and a church potluck gone wild.

If Lubbock Were a Theme Park Ride…

Take a break from whatever it is you’re doing, and follow me down a rabbit hole! Er…uh…a prairie dog hole, rather…

The Line 

It all starts with construction cones. Joy. Our favorite! You’d wait in line for eternity to ride the Lubbock coaster while a guy named Rick keeps swearing, “Just five more minutes, guys.” The line would likely only move a hair every 6 months, AND after a new roundabout opens.

Read More: What Would Lubbock’s Dating Profile Look Like?

The Ride

Immediately, the wind smacks you in the face. Your hat, your toupee, and your Dr Pepper blow clear across the panhandle within the first 5 seconds.

The Thrills

Every drop is called a “pothole,” and every spin is a four-way stop, and the rules of the ride aren’t exactly clear, making it even more exciting and terrifying. You’ll get whiplash, but it’s nothing you can’t soothe with a Frito Pie, fittingly sold in the gift shop post-ride. (Trust me. You wouldn’t want one before.)

The Exit

After you stumble away dizzy and slightly covered in barf, you’ll swear to never get on the ride again, but trust me, you’ll be back. No matter how chaotic it is, you still seem to like it. Kinda like…well…Lubbock…

Keep scrolling for more Lubbock-based fun in the galleries below! 

Lubbock Lawn Fads You’ll Find in Every Neighborhood

Let’s talk Lubbock lawns and the people responsible.

Gallery Credit: Chrissy

Lubbock Date Nights: Weathering The Storm, Hand in Hand

Lubbock’s wild weather often becomes a compatibility test on date night…

Gallery Credit: Chrissy