{"id":188838,"date":"2026-03-03T19:49:36","date_gmt":"2026-03-03T19:49:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-tx\/188838\/"},"modified":"2026-03-03T19:49:36","modified_gmt":"2026-03-03T19:49:36","slug":"assclown-alert-bringing-the-culture-war-to-the-texas-comptrollers-office-with-don-huffines","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/us-tx\/188838\/","title":{"rendered":"Assclown Alert: Bringing the culture war to the Texas Comptroller\u2019s Office with Don Huffines"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"DonDon Huffines wants to \u201cDOGE\u201d the state budget, according to his TV spots. Credit: Wikimedia Commons \/ Gage Skidmore<\/p>\n

Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.<\/p>\n

Any Texan with a TV has been barraged with primary ads from Republican political hopefuls trying to out-Trump each other. \u00a0<\/p>\n

And few have embraced Trumpian hyperbole more fervently<\/a> than former Texas senator Don Huffines, now running for Texas Comptroller. In his ads, Huffines promises to use his position as the state\u2019s chief financial officer to eliminate \u201cwoke DEI\u201d along with \u201cbenefits for illegal aliens,\u201d not to mention a litany of other MAGA bugaboos. <\/p>\n

Assuming Dandy Don pulled off a W this week, it\u2019s clear Texas Republicans have zero interest in putting a grownup in charge of the state\u2019s checkbook. Otherwise, they would have voted for an accountant, not a clickbait machine. <\/p>\n

Not to mention, a clickbait machine who campaigned on the absurd promise to \u201cDOGE\u201d a state budget already squeezed tighter than a bull\u2019s ass in fly season. (And who the fuck in their right mind turns \u201cDOGE\u201d into a verb?)<\/p>\n

It should be clear from the Dallas real-estate baron\u2019s self-funded 2022 gubernatorial bid<\/a> that he\u2019s short on ideas about actual governance and long on rhetoric about \u201cwoke\u201d schoolroom indoctrination and accusations that then-opponent Gov. Greg Abbott \u2014\u00a0no friend to the LGBTQ+ community \u2014\u00a0\u201cpromoted transgender sexual politics to Texas youth.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Uh, yeah, right. \u00a0<\/p>\n

For all his efforts to outflank Abbott from the right, voters handed Huffines a decisive loss \u2014 a third-place finish with just 12% of the primary vote. It was a result some hoped would send him fucking back off to play with his real-estate empire.<\/p>\n

Instead, Huffy Baby dumped that same nutball energy into his current run for the Texas Comptroller\u2019s Office. You know, the job that involves revenue estimates, budget projections and making sure Texas can actually pay its bills.<\/p>\n

Somehow given the task at hand, Huffines\u2019 TV spots haven\u2019t centered around dollars and debt but foreign terrorists, gun rights and, you guessed it, wokeness. You know, whatever Fox News outrage is peddling at the time. The diminutive developer even threw in footage of himself trudging through the woods in camouflage with a small arsenal strapped to his back to make sure we know just what a hard-on he has for firearms.\u00a0<\/p>\n

But the comptroller\u2019s office isn\u2019t a podcast studio for staging culture-war rants. It\u2019s where math happens. It\u2019s where adults make sober calculations how much money the state will bring in and whether it has enough to pursue worthwhile aims like educating its kids.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to imagine Huffines taking any of that seriously. Instead, he seems determined to transform the office into an opportunity to grandstand and target MAGA\u2019s perceived enemies \u2014\u00a0the same approach Attorney General Ken Paxton used to sully the rep of his respective office.\u00a0<\/p>\n

If Huffines wants to wage a never-ending culture war, there are plenty of cable networks hiring. If he wants to be comptroller, he might consider talking about spreadsheets instead of scapegoats. Texas needs a serious bean counter, not another bomb-throwing assclown.<\/p>\n

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