\u201cSopranos\u201d star Jamie-Lynn Sigler had a difficult time during her first marriage, going so far as to have thoughts of her own death to escape.<\/p>\n
Sigler is reflecting on that difficult time and others in her new memoir, \u201cAnd So It Is.: A Memoir of Acceptance and Hope,\u201d speaking with Us Weekly<\/a> about revisiting those dark moments.<\/p>\n “I hadn\u2019t relived that moment until I wrote it,\u201d she told the outlet. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t even really about suicide. It was a cry for help. I needed someone to know how terrified and overwhelmed I was.”<\/p>\n The 44-year-old star was just 22 years old when she tied the knot with A.J. Discala, her former money manager who is 10 years her senior.<\/p>\n Sigler felt like a \u201cfailure\u201d during her marriage to Discala and didn’t think she’d have “survived” if they had stayed together.<\/p>\n “A marriage at 20 is still a marriage. I needed a lot of proof to leave. When I went through his phone, I knew something shady was going on. All women feel that way,\u201d she recalled. “I wanted to share that not to bash him, but for other women. I felt like such a failure all the time, but I understood I was not going to survive much longer if I stayed in that marriage. I think he knew that, too.”<\/p>\n But Jamie-Lynn “desperately needed” Discala at the time, and even though she now feels he took advantage of her, she thinks they both got “caught up in a ride.”<\/p>\n “I desperately needed him at that time, so I can\u2019t be like, ‘What were you thinking?’\u201d she said. \u201cI know what I needed, and he provided a lot of that for me. Can I look back and see a young girl who was possibly being taken advantage of? Yes, but I also don\u2019t think that he really thought that was happening. I think we were both caught up in a ride, and I think our relationship was really toxic and complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n The \u201cMesSy\u201d podcaster has been married to her husband, former baseball player Cutter Dykstra, for the past 10 years, and the couple share sons Beau, 21, and Jack, 8.<\/p>\n Sigler said she knew just two weeks after meeting Cutter that he was the right guy for her, even though she didn’t expect such a connection at first.<\/p>\n “I wanted somebody I could feel safe with and who excited me and who was fun. I don\u2019t think I wrote down \u2018athlete,\u2019 but I was dating a lot of athletes at the time,\u201d she said. “When I met Cutter, I didn\u2019t think this was the guy \u2014 he was a 22-year-old minor league baseball player. But by two weeks in, [I knew it wasn\u2019t a fling]. I was going to do whatever I needed to do to make it work with him.\u201d<\/p>\n Follow us on Instagram @WeArePauseRewind<\/a> for all your pop culture obsessions.<\/p>\n