Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I have a somewhat complicated financial situation. I’m 62, estranged from my husband, and about to inherit some money. My husband and I always kept our finances separate. He got into debt, sold the house he inherited and that we lived in for 30 years, changed the locks, and kept all of the money. I was in the middle of a health crisis, and when the dust settled, I’ve been living in an affordable studio and living within my means. A second cousin died, and my share of the inheritance is said to be $500,000 for a conservative estimate.

I have several questions. Part of the estate is a home with lead paint and asbestos. I live in an area that typically ranks between second and third most expensive in the country. When I asked about potentially buying the house out from the others, my brother-in-law suggested buying a condo instead due to the huge amount of work and expense to get the home habitable. I do want a home. But when I look at condos, and the estate won’t settle for nine months, the monthly condo fees are as much as the rent that I’m paying now. That seems crazy to me.

I freelance, and the market has been slowing down. It’s clear that the country is heading into a recession, given that many of my clients are experiencing layoffs. One of my clients mentioned that with over $700,000 in investments, the money just keeps accumulating, and one can live off the interest. Am I better off living frugally and investing all my funds, or should I buy a home/condo? I never liked the home I lived in while married because my husband never allowed for any updates or changes. The layout was horrible. But I’m also in my 60s, living in a studio, and I would like to experience living somewhere that makes me happy.

I want to keep the money out of my husband’s control or access. He moved to the opposite coast, and we haven’t spoken in three years. I don’t know much about financial issues, but I have never liked the stock market and would never want to invest there. I’m not a fan of capitalism. All of my retirement funds were spent when I was seriously ill and had to scramble to find a place to live. How do I start to make decisions? I have some time before I get the inheritance, and I would like to educate myself and be ready when that happens.

—Too Old to Be This Uncertain

Dear Too Old,

Money is complicated, and you’re never too old to learn. Plus, it sounds like you’ve been through the wringer and you’re still standing, which says a lot. So where do you go from here?

Firstly, you need to protect that inheritance. Since you’re estranged, depending on your state, that money could potentially be considered marital property. Talk to a family law attorney as soon as you can—most of them offer free consultations, so you could even present the situation to them to see what they think. They might suggest you file for legal separation or divorce to protect your funds. I’m not a lawyer, so I don’t know what the details are here, but the point is, get this sorted as soon as you can.

Your brother-in-law is probably right about that lead paint nightmare, but you don’t have to write off homeownership entirely. Yes, condo fees are expensive, but they’re covering maintenance, insurance, sometimes utilities, and other expenses involved with owning a home. Sometimes those fees aren’t as crazy as they seem. Without knowing your full financial picture, I can’t say whether or not homeownership is the right next step for you, but a financial planner can help with that, and with that much money coming your way, it’s crucial that you talk to one. Here’s a primer on how to find one.

With that in mind, I’d like to address your issue with investing, because a financial planner will most definitely want to talk to you about it. I get that you’re anti-capitalist and therefore anti-stock market, and I’m not asking you to go against your values, but I do want to put socially responsible investing on your radar. These days, there are more ethical investing options for people who don’t want to support companies that go against their values  — there are even SRI financial planners that you can meet with to help you get started. Here’s a primer on all of that, too.

What you’re really asking, though, is how to get financially savvy in the next few months, and that’s totally doable. There are entire books written on the basics of money management (I wrote one myself), and I’d recommend picking one up. For practical financial steps, I’m a fan of I Will Teach You To Be Rich, and for socially responsible investing advice, I think you’d appreciate Amanda Holden, who also has an upcoming book on this very topic, How to Be a Rich Old Lady.

You’ve got a good chunk of time before the money arrives, so use it wisely—get educated, get legal protection, and get excited about finally having some real financial choices.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a millennial woman living in a major US city. My family lives in another major US city, in a more competitive housing market. I’m very close to my Grandma, who took care of me when my parents couldn’t. She is 80 years old and owns a one-bedroom condominium on the water. It could use some repairs, but nevertheless, it has garnered much interest from prospective buyers. But she does not wish to sell it, and she says that I am designated to inherit the condo in her will. I presumably have no say in that until she passes.

Enter my father, who recently moved in with her after he lost work and could no longer afford to rent an apartment. He keeps talking about selling Grandma’s condo this year so that he can buy a home in a cheaper place, and assumes that taking care of her means he’s entitled to her property. He can’t legally do that, can he? It makes my Grandma upset whenever he talks about it, but she’s in poor health now, and I worry he’ll bully her into it. How do I go about asking to see the will and protecting my Grandma’s assets?

 —Grandma’s Girl

Dear Grandma’s Girl,

These kinds of family situations—involving money, property, and caregiving—are always emotionally charged (and legally complicated), but it’s fair to be concerned about your grandmother’s well-being.
From a legal standpoint, no, your father can’t sell your grandmother’s property without her explicit consent, regardless of his living situation or caregiving role—which, I will say, is probably a lot more work than people realize. The only way your father would have any control over this is if your grandmother becomes legally incapacitated (in other words, a court has determined she can’t make sound decisions about her own affairs due to mental or physical impairment) and he’s granted power of attorney, or if she willingly transfers ownership to him.

Emotionally, I can see how this situation might feel complicated from everyone’s perspective. Your father might be under a lot of financial stress. Losing his job and having to move in with his mother at this stage of life probably feels pretty hectic and unstable. He may genuinely believe that selling and moving somewhere more affordable would be better for everyone, especially if your grandmother’s health is declining and the condo needs repairs. He might see this as a practical problem-solving move rather than taking advantage of an aging parent.

Help! My Family Has a “Brilliant” Plan for My Niece’s College Housing. And It Somehow Involves Me.

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My Husband Pushed Us to Live Closer to His Family. Now He’s Complaining About the One Thing I Ask for in Return.

At the same time, if your grandmother has clearly expressed that she doesn’t want to sell, and if these conversations are upsetting her, that’s concerning regardless of anyone’s intentions. Even well-meaning pressure can feel coercive, especially when someone is elderly and in poor health. Elder financial abuse often involves this exact kind of pressure and manipulation, especially from family members acting as caregivers. And the fact that it’s upsetting your grandmother is a red flag.

Could you suggest that all three of you meet with a financial planner who specializes in elder law? They could help you see whether there are solutions that address your father’s financial concerns while respecting your grandmother’s wishes to keep her home. Sometimes having a neutral third party walk through the numbers can take some of the emotion out of these conversations and help everyone see what options are actually out there.

Mostly, though, focus on what’s best for your grandmother right now rather than future inheritance questions. If you’re truly worried about the pressure, connecting her with an elder law attorney might help her understand all her options and clarify her own wishes. Ultimately, the goal here should be to support her autonomy and make sure any decisions reflect what she actually wants, not what everyone else thinks is best for her.

—Kristin

More Money Advice From Slate

My mother-in-law is in her late 60s and has well more than $100,000 in student loan debt that she has no plan to pay back. In fact, she’s told my husband and me repeatedly that her plan is to go to school until she drops dead to avoid repaying! She has two master’s degrees and is now applying for a Ph.D. program in a social science field where, even if she got a pay raise, she’d have no hope of making enough to pay her loans. I would (obviously) rather she at least considers paying her loans, but I also think student loans are predatory at best, so it’s not a battle I’m willing to have with her—unless we’ll be on the hook for her bad behavior after her death.

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