Not not Stereophonic.
Photo: ABC/Getty Images

Our long national nightmare is over: The Muppets are finally coming to Broadway. The motley crew of vagabond performers are set to make their Broadway debut in magician Rob Lake’s upcoming show, the aptly titled Rob Lake Magic With Special Guests the Muppets. The limited run begins playing the Broadhurst Theatre on October 28 and opens November 6. Billing the Muppets behind an America’s Got Talent quarter-finalist is troubling and somewhat disrespectful, but it’s a good first step. If this is how they finally make it to the Great White Way, so be it, because soon enough the entire theater industry will be at their felty fingertips.

Think about the new possibilities this long-awaited foray into theater will bring about. Once they’re bona fide Broadway actors, they’ll be able to perform at Miscast (except Miss Piggy, who would be appropriately cast in any role), present at the Jimmy Awards, and (as all theater actors eventually do) book a guest role on Elsbeth. Or better yet, The Gilded Age, where we can watch a corseted Miss Piggy “hi-ya!” back and forth across that street. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, we need casting directors (not just illusionists) to book these performers in their shows — and since Broadway loves stunt casting, that shouldn’t be too hard. Below, some modest proposals for other Broadway shows that the Muppets would fit into seamlessly.

Starring Miss Piggy as Madeline Ashton.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Henson Associates/Everett Collection, Matthew Murphy and Evan Zimmerman

Much like Megan Hilty, Miss Piggy is “for the gaze,” and this role encompasses everything that Piggy consistently brings to the table: glamour, beauty, and violence. Just imagine her take on the competitively seductive “Tell Me, Ernest” — or, in her case, “Tell Moi, Ernest.” She’d also be able to do all of her own stunts, and she’s even got an in with the production since Rob Lake helped design some of the show’s illusions.

Starring Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Photo: Mitch Haaseth/Disney+/Everett Collection

A show about a ’70s rock band struggling to record their album? Say no more. Though the Broadway production closed earlier this year, if there’s one thing the Electric Mayhem know how to do, it’s tour. Hop in that psychedelic schoolbus and hit the road!

 Starring Camilla as Mama Morton.

Photo: The Muppets via YouTube

Oh, just because Camilla is a chicken you assume she doesn’t have the abilities to take on a Broadway role? Well, lack of ability has never stopped Chicago’s casting department before (never forget Jerry Springer as Billy Flynn). And just think how hard the lyrics “Ask any of the chickies in my pen / They’ll tell you I’m the biggest mother hen” will hit when it’s bawked.

Starring Gonzo as Jay Gatsby.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Andrea McCallin/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images, Evan Zimmerman for MurphyMade

He literally already goes by the Great Gonzo, so this couldn’t be more obvious. He was hoping to do the Florence Welch version, but this will have to do in the meantime.

Starring Rizzo the Rat as Bobby Darin.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Nicole Wilder/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images, Matthew Murphy and Evan Zimmerman

This shouldn’t require any explanation; Rizzo and Jonathan Groff are constantly up for the same roles. But it’s worth noting that in Just in Time, Groff starts the show as himself before transforming into Darin. It’s a framing device not unlike that of Rizzo the Rat being credited as “Himself” in A Muppet Christmas Carol.

Starring Statler and Waldorf as Vladimir and Estragon.

Photo: Janette Pellegrin/Getty Images

Oh, Jamie Lloyd wanted a famous comedic film duo for his upcoming production of Waiting for Godot? Move over, Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter — nobody can compete with Statler and Waldorf. Plus, if there’s one thing Jamie Lloyd loves (just ask Rachel Zegler), it’s a balcony. And just think of the barbs! “Waiting for Godot? More like waiting for the set designer to show up!” or “You know why I’m always jealous of the actors in a Jamie Lloyd show? They get to leave the theater!”

Starring the Swedish Chef as Jersey.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Jay David Buchsbaum/The Muppets Studio/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images, Marc J. Franklin

There was a mix-up and he thought it was a real kitchen. But some of what he comes up with might be more coherent than “Concrete jungle where dreams are made of.”

Starring Audrey II as Audrey.

Photo: Murray Close/Sygma via Getty Images

She’s not a Muppet (though she’s often connected to the Jim Henson Company in some way), but they should let the puppet that plays the plant go on as Audrey every now and then, like when her parents are in town or something.

Starring Fozzie Bear as Josh Sharp.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Christopher Willard/ABC via Getty Images, Emilio Madrid

A one-man-show starring a comedian? Fozzie Bear is the obvious choice to take on the role — after all, what is a “ta-da” if not a “wocka wocka”? And he’ll be able to handle all the gay jokes with ease because he’s a bear. Wocka wocka.

Just kidding.

Photo: Matthew Murphy and Evan Zimmerman

Because none of the Muppets are Asian, we will not be casting the Muppets in this show. See how easy that was?

Starring Rowlf the Dog as Chowsie.

Photo: CBS/Getty Images

If Chowsie could play the piano as well as Rowlf does, Rose would have left June and Louise alone and focused all of her attention on making her dog the star.

Starring Kermit the Frog as Mary’s Husband.

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Albert L. Ortega/WireImage, Emilio Madrid

We’ve all seen the Miss Piggy as Mary Todd Lincoln fancasting, so at this point that goes without saying. Besides, usurping Jinkx Monsoon for Miss Piggy would fan the ferocious flames of backstage drama and turmoil (hmmm … Smash season-three idea). Instead, an equally fitting casting would be Kermit taking on the role of Mary’s Husband, who is constantly trying to wrangle his violent wannabe-star wife — a role we’ve seen Kermit playing for years.

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