All the news you need to know from the week that was…
PublishedAugust 30, 2025 10:47 AM EDT•UpdatedAugust 30, 2025 10:47 AM EDT
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It’s the first full college football Saturday of the season, and before you cram wings in your face and waterboard yourself with beer, how about catching up on the news that you may have missed from this week with a little help from The Punch-Up?
I think that sounds like a pretty damn good idea.
But where to begin?
Some football player got engaged to some pop star, Colorado’s mascot retired after deciding she didn’t love the game, the First Lady triggered a bunch of magazine wusses, and more.
What a week it was… (Getty Images)
So, let’s dig in and get through this before kickoff…
Swift and Kelce announced their engagement on the same day that Starbucks released Pumpkin Spice Lattes for this year. It’s a combination of events that led to millennial white women across the nation achieving a higher level of consciousness.In a new interview, Vice President JD Vance expressed concern that the NFL could put a thumb on the scale to help the Kansas City Chiefs with Travis Kelce’s engagement to Taylor Swift. “Too late,” the NFL said.The New York Giants released quarterback Tommy DeVito this week. DeVito will change his nickname from “Tommy Cutlets” to the much shorter, more accurate “Tommy Cut.”Jay Cutler has been sentenced to a few days in jail over his DUI arrest. The sentence was reduced for time served when the judge realized Cutler was once married to Kristin Cavallari.A green sex toy was thrown on the course during a PGA Tour event in the latest instance of the trend sweeping the sports world. In response, LIV Golf announced that they’ll be throwing a much more expensive green sex toy on the course at their next event… also, players can wear shorts.Oregon’s Dan Lanning pushed back on the role of too much technology infiltrating the sideline and says he can’t use ChatGPT to call plays. “Me neither,” said UNC head coach Bill Belichick, before adding, “unless Jordan wants me to.”Deion Sanders said that one of the things that surprised him most about coaching at Colorado was the smell of weed coming from the stands. At least this way, the Buffaloes are always ready to play in a bowl environment.Vanity Fair staffers are reportedly threatening to walk out over plans to put Melania Trump on the cover. Most shocking of all: some magazines still have employees.
Got all of that?
Good. See you back here next week.
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