Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch are fine but miscast in this unnecessary remake of THE ROSES. Jaap Buitendijk/Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures
Remakes are odious, even when they’re nothing more than harmless television takeoffs on successful feature films, but The Roses is an especially egregious waste of time and talent because it takes itself so seriously. With the abbreviated title of the popular 1989 smash The War of the Roses for starters, it not only tries to both approximate and duplicate a proven hit but foolishly improve it, too.
THE ROSES ★★ (2/4 stars)
Directed by: Jay Roach
Written by: Tony McNamara
Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Olivia Colman, Andy Samberg, Allison Janney, Belinda Bromilow, Sunita Mani, Ncuti Gatwa, Jamie Demetriou, Zoë Chao, Kate McKinnon
Running time: 105 mins.
The original starred Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, two glamorous stars with no superiors in the field of caustic satire, in a black parody on yuppie materialism that also benefited greatly from the witty cynicism of Danny DeVito’s direction. Nobody was better at understated derision than Michael Douglas when he concentrated on what he was doing, and Kathleen Turner was a gorgeous cross between Betty Crocker and the Spider Woman as a tour guide through domestic hell. In the new, unnecessary remake, two fine but miscast Brits, Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman, grapple with more stoic versions of the material and none of the humor and charisma demanded of the leading roles. Based on Warren Adler’s novel, it’s the old familiar story of the man, motivated by the pursuit of career and power, and the woman, who stays home to mind the kids and clean the house.
Moving to America for reasons uexplained, things look good until, after 17 years of marriage and two kids ready for athletic boarding school, the tables turn when the man, a talented architect, loses his job and gets reduced to self-doubt after designing the most beautiful house in Southern California, and it’s the woman who reaps the profits after opening a seafood restaurant—“We’ve Got Crabs”—that takes off like gangbusters. War is declared, embodying everything from physical violence to sexual sadism, and they spend their lives trying to destroy a marriage that was a hopeless mistake. The wife works her way up to nine restaurants and a James Beard award. Her crabs triumph, while the fabulous house he designed becomes an irreconcilable difference. When the anatomy of this disastrous relationship finally ends, the Roses discover it’s not the misery of their awful marriage they destroy, but the greatness of their perfect house. What they learn is nothing, and compromise begins all over again.
Yes, it’s a yawn, but when the Roses eventually leave their battle stations, it’s long after the viewer has given up on both of them already. The two stars have a few moments of failed splendor, but Olivia Colman is better playing neurotic queens in costume epics, and the most hilarious performance in the whole film is by Allison Janney, who is especially on target as Mrs. Rose’s savage divorce lawyer. Director Jay Roach works so hard trying to squeeze in a few gags that do not come naturally from the overwrought yet tedious script by Tony McNamara that almost every line seems painfully over-written. Thus, you get “The dream you’ve always wanted to be shouldn’t die on the crucifix of family life.” Which is another way of saying “Be yourself.” Trust me when I say the only thing you’ll miss is that remarkable beach house. The movie is under two hours, but it seems much longer.