Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband’s parents get along about as well as oil and water, but last weekend their bickering caused a major upset for our 6-year-old daughter “Alicia,” ruining her birthday party at our local kids’ fun center/arcade.

My father-in-law went to get another piece of cake, and my mother-in-law criticized him and made a snide remark about his weight. This ignited an argument that escalated to a shouting match, which culminated in her dumping a cup of soda on his head. They did this right in front of Alicia, her friends, cousins, and no small number of other parents who were there with their own children. The staff ended up asking my in-laws to leave. Alicia was left in tears and asked why her grandparents are always mean to each other.

I want to impose a six-month timeout on my in-laws visiting with the condition that they either get into some kind of anger management or from now on they will have to take turns coming over individually. My husband thinks this is too much to ask; he says his parents have “always been like this” and to let it go. I don’t think it’s asking too much to shield my daughter from their dysfunction because two people in their 60s can’t behave like adults for a few hours. This is a perfectly reasonable position, right?

—Timeout for In-Laws

Dear Timeout

It’s a fact that a solid quarter of the questions this advice column receives wouldn’t need to be asked if people stopped dismissing their spouses’ legitimate concerns and held their own parents accountable for the wild things they’ve done. But it is also true that some people in more volatile families learn to survive or cope by keeping their heads down, and I really do understand that, to a point. While I don’t think you need to just ignore what happened at the Fun Zone, as your husband seems to be suggesting, I read a lot of experience and resignation (and maybe hopelessness) in his comment about how his parents have “always been like this.” He has probably had to let a lot of things go just to stay sane and in a relationship with them.

Your expectations regarding your in-laws’ behavior seem totally reasonable to me. But sometimes there’s a lot of daylight between “reasonable” and “realistic.” Your husband’s parents have been sniping at each other all their lives. And some people are just not going to deal with their anger issues or go to therapy, no matter what you say to them. Some parents also refuse to listen to any criticism from their own children, even when those children are fully grown and 100 percent correct. I don’t know if your in-laws are reachable on this—they may well be! That would be great. But it is often impossible to get people to change, even when they should.

You and your spouse cannot control how his parents choose to behave. You can decide who your family sees and spends time with, and how, and how often. If you personally need a break from your in-laws, that’s fine. If you strongly feel that your child needs to be “shielded” from her grandparents’ terrible behavior, that is also something you and your husband can discuss and figure out how to address. You can’t force your in-laws to change, but you can make suggestions (like anger management therapy), attempt to establish some rules for the time they spend with their granddaughter, or even insist on separate visits, as you suggested. The next time they cross a line, you and your family can also just leave.

Help! My Neighbors Are Clearly Uncomfortable With My Dog. But What They’re Doing About It Needs to Stop.

My Wife and I Agreed to Parent Our Own Kids. But She’s Setting Hers Up for Disaster.


This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only

A Lot of the Women I’m Sleeping With Seem to Have the Same Problem … Down There. They Have No Idea.

My Career Is About to Be Cut Short. I Know Exactly Who to Blame.

I’m not making any excuses for your in-laws’ treatment of each other, which would also drive me up the wall. And I’m not saying that you have to just tolerate their particular brand of dysfunction. But you cannot hope to shield your child from all dysfunctional behavior forever. She’s already seen some things, and she will notice more and more as she gets older.

Given all that, I think maybe the most important thing you can do, as a parent, is talk with her honestly about what she’s seeing and experiencing. Ask how she feels about what happened at the Fun Zone, or at other times with your family. Don’t pretend like everything is okay, or that certain behaviors are acceptable when they’re not. Make sure your child knows she can always share what she’s thinking or feeling with you. As she gets older, she, too, will have decisions to make about what she thinks is right, what sort of boundaries she needs, and what she’s willing to tolerate for the sake of relationships she cares about.

—Nicole

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I am an introvert who, growing up, was quite shy and had periods of having very few friends. This was often painful for me, and I frequently felt like an odd duck. I grew up to be a still introverted but more outgoing adult. I have only a few close friends, but those friendships are rewarding and I’m generally a content person. So what’s my problem, then? My younger daughter is very much like me.

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.