I came across a video online that blew my mind. My teenage self may have ruined everything.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

Is it possible that masturbation killed the nerve cells in my penis? I’m 53, but as a teen, I often masturbated by dry humping a pillow. I recently came across a video that showed a man being orally teased on his frenulum and how sensitive it is. Mine isn’t. Could I have done some damage to myself? And if so, are there any remedies?

—No Longer in Love With My Pillow

Dear No Longer in Love With My Pillow,

It is highly unlikely that your masturbation style caused nerve damage, according to my go-to urology source, Dr. Charles Welliver, director of men’s health in the department of urology at Albany Medical College. “Penile sensation does decrease with age, so might be some age-related changes,” he added in an email regarding your question. This just may be where you are.

To interrogate your suspicion of nerve damage, consider whether you are experiencing any symptoms of neuropathic pain, like stabbing, numbness, or tingling. Is your penis sensitive to touch? Are you experiencing unexpected sensations (outside of the context of sex/masturbation)? You don’t report any of these, just the suspicion that you could be feeling more than you are. For what is likely a variety of reasons, often in concert with one another, some dicks are more sensitive to stimulation than others are. Some guys can’t keep their load in when a mouth is wrapped around them; others never come from receiving head. Some love having their glans and frenulum played with; others are all about the shaft. There are too many variables to pinpoint exactly why this is the case.

Generally, issues related to decreased sensation through masturbation are not the result of damaged nerves, but what sex therapist Michael Perelman has deemed “idiosyncratic masturbatory style.” As Ian Kerner, also a sex therapist, explains in his book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives:

Basically, a person with a penis can get used to a degree of pressure and friction on the penis during masturbation that isn’t precisely replicable during partnered sex, so it can become harder to achieve the momentum necessary to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability. Solution: take a short masturbation break and/or masturbate with your non-dominant hand—if you’re right-handed, start masturbating with your left hand.

It sounds like you discontinued this way of masturbating decades ago. At this point, are you deriving enjoyment out of sex/masturbation? I’m not talking about some hypothetically optimized version of sexual pleasure where it feels like lightning is shooting out of your frenulum when the wind blows its way. I mean: Does it still feel good? Are you orgasming? Does touching yourself make you want to keep touching yourself? If so, you’re probably fine. Get pleasure where you can find it and try to stop looking to others to (in)validate it.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We have a great relationship and are very much in love, but he suffers from depression. When he is in a depressive episode, he doesn’t want to have sex.

He feels extremely guilty about it and beats himself up about not being able to give me what I want. I know it’s not about me, it’s something he has to deal with internally, and we discuss it together often, but sometimes it’s hard to act like I don’t have needs. I don’t want to make the guilt worse because I understand that he is struggling, but I also experience sexual frustration when we go weeks at a time without it.

I’ve suggested therapy, which he is open to, but is concerned about the cost and feels like the path to figuring out this issue is too daunting, as he’s experienced it for most of his life (we’re in our mid-20s). I told him I’m open to doing anything I can to help him, but that he has to be willing to put in the effort. Do you have any suggestions for how we can work through this together? I’m struggling with how to approach the issue in a way that is productive and doesn’t make him feel guilty.

—Sexually Lost

Dear Sexually Lost,

Therapy would be a good first stop. You could look into couples counseling. That would allow you to take an active role in finding the counselor and holding your boyfriend accountable for showing up. Individual therapy and perhaps a psychiatrist (in the event that medication would be beneficial, and for someone who has battled depression most of his life, it very well could be) would probably be ideal for him, but maybe couples counseling gets him in the door and used to the therapeutic process. Individual issues tend to come out during couples therapy, so it could be that your therapist assesses the situation and encourages him to seek therapy separately. That could give him even more of an impetus to find help for himself. Therapy can certainly be expensive, but hopefully you two have insurance, which will cut down the cost considerably if performed by an in-network clinician (which, keep in mind, isn’t necessarily always true of couples counseling).

Otherwise, you should be as patient as possible. It’s OK to talk about your needs, but at this point, you know exactly what to expect. You know that when he’s in a depressive state, sex is off the table. This may be frustrating, but as things stand, there is virtually nothing that can be done at those times. Forcing the issue or attempting to have him push through so you can get laid is likely to backfire. If he is amenable to it, maybe you can ask for whatever level of affection he is comfortable with during his depressive moments—cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. It’s not going to replace sex, and it might not even scratch your itch, but staying physically connected can help maintain intimacy in the absence of sex.

Of course, you do have the option of opening up your relationship (or at least floating the idea), though that conversation may be fraught, considering his depression. It would be a way for you to get sex when he can’t provide, but I’d start that process, if it’s what you want, with the help of a therapist, given how sensitive the situation is. If nothing else, hopefully you can use masturbation to tide yourself over when your boyfriend isn’t in the mood. If you haven’t explored toys to use on yourself but think that could be something you’re into, now is the time.

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Dear How to Do It,

My wife is convinced I am cheating on her. The reason? I purchased a Fleshlight to use because I got tired of jerking off when she doesn’t want sex. She says that clearly she’s “not enough” for me. This is insane! I wouldn’t care if she used a dildo or any other sex toy, for that matter. How can I prove nothing is going on behind her back?

—Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Dear Guilty Until Proven Innocent,

I think the issue is less about whether or not something is going on behind her back—there is, it involves you masturbating with a Fleshlight—and more about whether this constitutes cheating or if it’s her business at all, for that matter. In my opinion, it doesn’t and it isn’t.

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If your wife hadn’t specified previously that she has an issue with you using a Fleshlight/masturbating, she has sprung new rules on you that you had no reason to assume were in place. It is healthy and prosocial to respect one’s partner’s masturbation habits. Of course, if these habits get in the way of partnered sex or are assisted unethically, a conversation or even intervention may be appropriate. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening at all. It sounds like your wife found your sex toy and got upset about it. Maybe she’s upset that you masturbate, period, and as an external manifestation of your solo sex life, the Fleshlight shouldered the blame. Either way, there’s not much logic there. As an outlet that you turn to in the absence of sex with your wife, the toy is a method of preventing actual cheating. Some people wish their partner would just stick to sex toys.

I would ask her what she expects you to do when you want sex and she doesn’t. Taking care of it yourself, by yourself, seems like the most reasonable and ethical method of doing this. Surely, you wouldn’t want to pester her or make her feel bad. You should assure her that the issue isn’t really about her not being enough, but that you are two different people with different sex drives. Maybe she has ideas for ways to get her in the mood when she isn’t (if her desire is more responsive, this could be very useful). She might want to up the frequency of sex based on the knowledge that she now has. I wouldn’t allow her to have all of the control here—you are entitled to masturbation, and there is nothing wrong with sex toys. But this may be an opportunity to change things in your shared sex life, which may result in something that is even more mutually satisfying. Try to use this as a moment for bonding.

—Rich

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