Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 5-year-old daughter, “Wren,” has been a nail-biter for the past six months. Nothing my husband and I tried could break her of the habit. Then miraculously, she stopped. When I mentioned my relief to my mother-in-law, she took credit for it. Then she told me her “solution.”

She told Wren that her hair would fall out if she kept biting her nails! I’m not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, I’m pissed my mother-in-law would lie to my daughter. On the other hand, it worked. Do I need to tell Wren the truth, or can my husband and I (at least for the time being) keep up the ruse?

—Something to Chew On

Dear Something to Chew On, 

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Look, we lie to kids all the time when we don’t think they’re emotionally ready to handle certain parts of life, like the permanence of death, or how Santa Claus can leave presents at houses that don’t have a chimney. Sometimes, telling them the truth is cruel and heartless. (When my 5-year-old asked those questions, I said to him that most people live on this planet for 1,000 years before they go to cloud city in heaven to live forever, and that Santa and his sack of presents can take on a gaseous form and come up through the shower drains when there are no chimneys. I panicked!)

As for your daughter and her nail-biting problem—I’d keep up the ruse. But if she asks about it directly—”Mom, I accidentally bit my nails in my sleep, but I don’t want my hair to fall out!”—well, please tell her the truth so she doesn’t grow paranoid about her hair loss and insist on wearing a wig.

When it comes to raising your daughter, you’re in charge. I would absolutely tell your mother-in-law you’re not comfortable with the lie and to please consult you first before she problem-solves anything involving your daughter.

I know how mother-in-laws can get weirdly sensitive about this sort of boundary, and she might pull the “I was a mother, too, you know!” defense to make you feel guilty, but be firm about this. Make sure she understands you don’t think it’s cool to mess with Wren’s head.

—A.J.

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My daughter just turned 1, and we had a birthday party for her with some extended family. As she munched happily on her chocolate cupcake after we sang “Happy Birthday,” my mother-in-law jokingly chided, “That’s gonna go straight to your hips, girl!” Several of the women present chuckled or pitched in affirmative comments. (Of course, no one has ever made a remark like this to my 3-year-old son, who also enjoyed a slab of cake before family at his birthday party recently.)

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