How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do it,

My husband recently surprised me with something unexpected when we were in bed. We had just finished having sex when he stood up and gave me a golden shower. I was shocked and disgusted and fled the room. After I had washed off, I angrily demanded to know why the hell he would do such a thing. He said he had been fantasizing about it for more than a year and needed to “get it out of his system.” I’m not sure if I can trust him again and we haven’t had sex or slept in the same room since. Is it worth trying to save my marriage?

—Pissed Off

Dear Pissed Off,

It’s worth doing what you’re doing now—refusing sex and sleeping in separate rooms—while you sort out your feelings. Sometimes, it’s unfair to judge people based on their worst behavior; at other times, the worst behavior is so scarring that it ends up defining the relationship for us, like it or not. Now is the time to take stock. Is the relationship otherwise loving, with open communication and a strong sense of equality/both partners’ needs being met? Or was this a leak from a torrent of domineering behavior that disregards your ability to consent in favor of his comfort/pleasure? That is, is this plausibly a one-time thing, or part of a pattern?

His peeing on you without discussing it with you first was not OK. Though there are plenty of piss enthusiasts out there, many people are disgusted by the notion for good reasons: Most of us are taught from an early age that such waste is dirty and should be avoided at all costs. As with any kink or fetish, though, regardless of the cultural associations around it, it should have been discussed ahead of time and you should have been given the opportunity to voice your disinterest. You had no reason to expect that your husband would do this, especially because you were still in bed. Those who are into piss tend to arrange for such play to be carried out in a manner that is easy to clean after—they may love it, but they typically don’t want to live in the smell of it. This may involve doing it in the shower/bathtub or putting special sheets on the bed that contain the liquid without absorbing it. There was an overall lack of consideration on your husband’s part by not discussing his interest with you ahead of time and by then pissing in the bed you sleep in. It’s “out of his system,” fine—just make sure that’s true and make clear that these kinds of surprises are not welcome. If you have a hard time moving forward, you may want to enlist the help of a counselor.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It,

I am pretty happy in my marriage of over 30 years. My question is how to deal with the fact that my husband loves to have sex early in the morning and before we go to sleep. I wouldn’t mind but, our sex is hindered by the fact that it’s hard for my husband to maintain an erection. If he takes a pill, it will get hard but he says it gives him headaches. I hate to say this, but without the pill, his penis is either half hard or gives out in the middle of us making love—so I am very seldom satisfied. Afterward, he just goes to sleep. He thinks it’s great. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s funny because I used to be the one with a low sex drive, but now I want more sex! How can I make this better?

—Somebody Tell Me What to Say

Dear Somebody Tell Me What to Say,

Definitely prioritize not hurting your husband’s feelings. This does not mean letting him off the hook for not being a thoroughly considerate partner, but you want to communicate so that he can hear you. I think first, you must determine what it is that you want. You are “dealing” with your husband’s penchant for early morning and late night sex. What would be better for you? Figure it out and ask for it. You’ve been doing it his way as a matter of default—that has bought you leverage. “I think it would be really hot if we …” is a positive way to frame this as a potentially pleasurable experience for both of you.

Other people’s erections are, uh, hard to manage. He’s talked about getting a headache from pills before, so maybe that’s your way in. I don’t know how extensively he’s sampled the different PDE5 inhibitors on the market, but sometimes people tolerate them differently. So if sildenafil (Viagra) gave him a headache, he may want to try tadalafil (Cialis) and/or vardenafil (Levitra) to see if he has better results. He could also try a cock ring. This is a delicate topic and you should handle it as sensitively as possible. It is fair for you to want a more reliable dick, but in attempting to achieve that, don’t insult him. You might ask him if he’s satisfied with his erection quality. If he’s not, there’s an in, too.

Say he has no designs to do anything about the erections that underwhelm you. Are there other means of getting off that would suit you? If so, request them: oral, manual, toys, etc. You have every right to ask him to help you orgasm before he turns over and falls asleep. You can say something like, “I’m happy that you find our sex so satisfying—can you help me get off, too?” And then tell him how you want him to do that. Be specific.

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!

The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear How to Do It,

I am a newly married gay man, and I thought my husband and I were going to be spending Christmas with my sister and her family. Except, she just added a condition that has me wondering whether to speak to her ever again.

She and her husband have a son who just turned 3, and she said that she wants my husband and me to sleep in separate bedrooms while we stay over. Her claim is that he’s “too young to understand” why we would be sharing a room. My brother and his wife have stayed over at their place before, and when I asked him, he said they have never been faced with this sort of request (luckily he’s on my side). I have a suspicion that my sister’s husband is behind this, as he’s very Catholic.  This feels like a slap in the face to put it mildly. Is it worth reconsidering our relationship?

—I Thought I Had a Supportive Sister

Dear I Thought I Had a Supportive Sister,

Your sister’s condition is rude and discriminatory. I think it is also based on a fallacy. Her son is not too young to understand why you’d be sleeping in the same room. If he notices at all, which is unlikely as he is 3 and still exists mostly in his own head, all his parents would have to say to him is that his uncle is staying in the same room as another man because they are married. Unless a huge deal is made about something like this, kids tend to roll with the punches. Some uncles marry women, others marry men, still others marry people who don’t fit neatly into either category. Some never get married. Easy. If for some reason, this isn’t easy, there are several picture books made for kids that explain LGBTQ+ identities—here’s a big list of them. Gay people are a part of the world this kid lives in, and shielding it from him is an exercise in futility. In fact, your presence in his life and household gives his parents the opportunity to explain that some people are gay, which may be different than what he is used to, but makes you no less worthy of familial bonds and love. That your sister and her husband seem to want to bury this truth is very disappointing.


This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only

Help! I Was Forced to Break My Engagement for a Terrible Reason. I’d Rather Die Than Explain It to My Family.


This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only

My Kids Want to Do Something Radically Different This Holiday. Now We Just Need to Convince the One Person Standing in Our Way.

My Wife Is a Terrible Housekeeper. I’m Not Much Better, But Even I’m Grossed Out.

I don’t know if this is worth completely burning a bridge, though. There’s a middle ground to explore where you refuse discriminatory boarding terms but keep your sister in your life. It seems like this is the first time you’ve come up against something so overtly steeped in homophobia from this family member—you haven’t yet pushed back nor seen her reaction to the pushback. I don’t think you should tolerate sustained bigotry, but I also know that sisters are hard to come by and it’s worth finding a solution to keep family members in your life. It’s not always possible, but you should at least try.

I would tell her that you and your husband will not be sleeping in separate rooms, nor should you have to change your way of life for the sake of a 3-year-old. (Incidentally, I have no time for people who talk about how queerness risks confusing children. To be a child is to be in a state of perpetual confusion, and as detailed above, this one’s particularly easy to clear up.) But you could get a hotel/Airbnb nearby so that you can spend time with your family during the holidays. This way you don’t have to compromise your marriage or your holiday plans.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

Growing up, I was really into kink. When I met my late husband, it was a big part of my life, and he and I were heavily involved in our local BDSM scene. When he died in 2019, I felt like that part of my life died with me. I’ve gotten back into sex and dating, and I’ve mostly been having vanilla sex. It’s … not satisfying. I find myself missing kink, but it’s also caught up in missing my husband. My friends think I’m just mourning and confused, but I’m not so sure. Is there a way to get back into kink after what I’ve been through?

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.