The common societal stigma that having a “big penis” automatically means amazing sex, “puts a lot of pressure…to perform and give their partner an out-of-this-world orgasm. These societal expectations often create performance anxiety, as many feel the need to live up to this ideal,” says DeSeta. “These expectations can increase their risk of sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction or even lead them to avoid sex altogether.”
According to DeSeta, people with bigger penises often experience a mix of emotions about their anatomy.
“On one hand, they feel pressure to live up to the societal expectations of impressive sexual performances, and on the other, they are worried about hurting their partner,” she explained. “This combination oftentimes leads to feelings of shame or being misunderstood.”
Dr. Rod Mitchell, a registered psychologist specializing in sex therapy and trauma recovery, says one of the more heartbreaking patterns he’s witnessed in therapy is how those with larger penis sizes have genuinely developed trauma from repeatedly causing their partners pain during sex.
“I call it an empathic injury,” Mitchell said. “Every time your partner winces or says ‘wait, that hurts,’ you’re absorbing a micro-trauma. These men carry around the weight of having hurt someone they love, over and over, with their own body.”
Mitchell explained that what might look like performance anxiety is actually a trauma response — their nervous system trying to prevent harm. “Your body treats repeated sexual discomfort or pain as a threat,” he said. “Guilt rewires your brain to see intimacy as dangerous, then anxiety kicks in before sex even starts, triggering a stress response that redirects blood away from your genitals.”
Others might finish in seconds because their bodies are trying to escape the threat. Either way, says Mitchell, the “failure” deepens the shame, and the cycle continues.
The Shame Of Having A Big Penis (No, Really)