Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
After five years of trying and fertility treatments, my wife and I are expecting. We are over the moon, but I find myself anxious about boundaries with her parents. They are generous and adore my wife, but they are heavy, irresponsible drinkers. I have never shared a meal with them in 15 years together without alcohol, and there have been times when one or both of them have gotten so drunk that they’ve hurt themselves or said wildly inappropriate things.
I know I could never have them babysit, but one of their favorite things is to travel with us and I am uninterested in traveling with them and a baby or toddler. I refuse to hire a babysitter so we can have a two-hour dinner with two or more bottles of wine and cocktails before and after. My wife can drink heavily with them on occasion, but mostly just so she doesn’t rock the boat. How do I frame this conversation with my wife where it doesn’t come across as judgmental or biased against her folks? I want to draw some firm lines now before the baby comes.
—No Drunk Grandparents
Dear No Drunk Grandparents,
This sounds like a tricky dynamic with your in-laws! But it’s really good that you’re thinking about it now—you’re already in parent mode.
Before you talk to your wife, think about the role alcohol plays in your lives generally, and how you think that needs to change. You don’t mention your own drinking habits—do you drink? Do you ever drink heavily? Is there an amount that you would be comfortable with you or your wife drinking around the baby? Get clear on how many drinks feels OK to you and how many makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it’s zero.
Very Hot Women Keep Telling Me I’m a “DILF.” My Wife Is Holding Me Back.
Help! My Dad Discovered a Sweet Hobby in His Retirement. Some People Have Decided to Paint It as Something Sinister.
My Son Accidentally Hurt His Friend at a Sleepover. His Parents Have Made It a Friendship-Ending Offense.
You should also think more on what you think is possible with your wife’s parents. Are they ever sober? Would you trust them to babysit the baby if they weren’t drinking? Is there a travel scenario with them that you could envision working out if there were some different ground rules? If they agreed to drink less, or only drink heavily after one of you and the baby had gone to bed, would you still be up for traveling with them?
Once you have a clearer idea about what you want, talk to your wife. Tell her you’ve been thinking about your relationship with alcohol and the baby, and want to talk it out. Say you’re especially concerned about alcohol when you’re spending time with her parents. She may have already thought through this—I think it’s likely she has. Talk to her about what her ideal post-baby hang with her parents looks like, and ask if she thinks it’s possible.
Once you decide together what kind of drinking is acceptable and not acceptable to you, you can decide how you’re comfortable enforcing those boundaries with her parents. Sometimes with alcoholics, a boundary can be explicit—we can’t be around you when you’re drinking. And sometimes it needs to be quieter, like you start being busy when they ask you to go on holiday. Follow your wife’s lead here. Good luck.
—Logan
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My seventh-grader is a kind and funny person. The problem? His grades are horrible and have been since first grade. The root of the problem is that he just doesn’t do his work, and this extends to test-taking as well. He would rather sit in class and stare at the wall before he puts pencil to paper. I can control the environment at home with homework and make sure he’s staying on task and not just sitting there daydreaming, but I can’t hand-hold him while he’s at school. He does his homework every night, but many times he doesn’t bother turning it in, resulting in a missed assignment.
Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.