Photo illustration with photographs by Thinkstock Images and chrispecorarovia Getty
Look, we get it: the last thing you need to read is more bad news. Not when masked paramilitaries are laying siege to Minneapolis, prominent members of the executive branch of the federal government are enthusiastically lying about it, and the same abusive playbook is being run elsewhere. Also, the DC area currently has been transformed into the ice planet of Hoth, and pretty soon, you probably won’t even be able to escape by reading about Nationals spring training in the pages of the Washington Post.
So yeah, things are grim! Still, as a matter of public service, we feel compelled to alert you to yet another depressing development: the absolutely stunning amount of poop (and other gross stuff, presumably) currently flowing into the Potomac River.
Last week, part of a major sewer line that carries wastewater from Maryland and Virginia to a pumping station in DC collapsed. The result? An estimated 40 million gallons of untreated sewage spilling into the Potomac, daily.
According to officials, DC Water’s drinking water system is entirely separate from the wastewater system and not impacted by the collapse. Also, crews have installed pumps to divert the overflowing dookie water into the C&O Canal while they work on repairs.
Now, this sounds reassuring. But is it really? Earlier today, our friends from the Associated Press and ARLnow published an update story on the spill that left us both grossed out and freaked out. Here are few choice lines from the piece—judge for yourself:
“The Potomac Riverkeeper Network recorded bacteria levels 60 times higher than what is considered safe for human contact in a sample taken at Fletchers Cove on Friday”
Is that bad?
“A water sample taken near the site of the rupture found far higher levels of E. coli: about 12,000 times higher than the recommended limit for human contact”
That’s probably bad.
“The utility estimated the overflow at about 40 million gallons each day — enough to fill about 66 Olympic-size swimming pools”
If the question is, “how many Olympic-size swimming pools full of poop is too many Olympic-sized swimming pools full of poop?” then the only acceptable answer is “one.”
“A sewage spill on this scale is extremely rare, perhaps unprecedented”
We’re making history!
“‘Sewage is just bubbling up like a small geyser, maybe 2, 3 feet into the air,’ he said. ‘Sewage water is running in every direction.’”
Barf.
“While much of the sewage may be locked in ice at the moment, the riverkeeper said he’s unsure what the effect will be when it’s released later — or what will happen in the summer, if the sewage has settled into sediments and gets stirred up.”
Wait, we have poop water sleeper cells?
“‘There’s a huge funding gap for water infrastructure in the US, said Gary Belan, a senior director with American Rivers, an environmental organization that advocates for clean waterways. ‘I know a lot of the wastewater folks are trying to catch up as best they can, but this is something we see and will continue to see, where these pipes fail and these massive sewage dumps occur””
The future looks bright. We’re going back to bed.
Deputy Editor
Patrick Hruby joined the magazine in 2022. He previously worked as an editor or writer for ESPN, VICE, Sports on Earth, Global Sport Matters, and The Washington Times, and has contributed to publications including The Atlantic, The Guardian, The Los Angeles Times, and The Washington Post.