Clam holders.
Photo: Scott Eisen/Bravo
Picture it: Bravo was in a state of crisis. Franchise reboots were faltering and shows were being put on pause left and right. Something had to be done, and fast. They rushed to the Real Housewives manufacturing laboratory hidden miles underground, accessible only via the trap door in the Watch What Happens Live studio, and frantically began punching away at buttons until the machines began to smoke and spark. Oops, they accidentally cloned Dolores Catania seven times! And thus the Real Housewives of Rhode Island was born, Bravo’s first new addition to the franchise in four years and one that they promised would fill the New Jersey–shaped void in our hearts. And if the premiere episode is any indication — mission accomplished.
Beyond just the big Italian families (and the real Dolores Catania as a friend of), the show also follows in Jersey’s footsteps via the cast’s deep, decadeslong connections. To map them all out would require John Nash’s chalkboard from A Beautiful Mind, but rest assured it involves making Communion together, sisters stealing high-school boyfriends, and tanning salons. And now, after all that history, they’re clam holders. That’s right, instead of the classy pearls they held in the promo images, the opening credits feature the women all holding clams.
The first clam holder we’re introduced to is Alicia, whose New England accent sounds like beautiful music to my ears as she asks for “any colah” of wine and tells us that she and her daughter both love “Britney Speahs.” She’s hosting her big Italian family, including her aunts who complain about the agonizingly long trek from Cranston to Providence (it’s 15 minutes away, we soon learn, but that didn’t stop one of them from packing a flask). There couldn’t have been a more promising kick-off to the series, and it doesn’t take long into their arrival for them to start probing Alicia about her nine-year engagement. But ultimately, the moment I knew I was hooked was when the conversation turned to Alicia’s friend Liz, and her mother said, with no explanation, “She has a very big fear of frogs.” I pray to God that this is a Chekhov’s gun situation. I haven’t even laid eyes on Liz yet, but what I know for sure is that I need to see her come face-to-face with a frog, and I need to know why Alicia’s mother is so certain of this phobia.
Alicia has known Liz since she was born, dubbing her Queen Elizabeth — and the sprinkling of Medieval Times–esque décor in her mansion sure adds to that nickname. But she’s also the self-proclaimed Queen of Weed. If you weren’t able to tell from the drawling cadence of her confessionals, she and her husband own a cannabis dispensary. Better yet, they’re also related, a fact they stumbled upon six months into their marriage thanks to an ancestry website — though my questions about how related they are go unaddressed. Instead, we see her hop onto a dinghy and zip across the water to grab lunch with the show’s youngest cast member, Kelsey, who Liz knows because she grew up with her much older boyfriend.
As Kelsey picks all of the seeds out of the lemon in her drink — a tick that’s a sign of a promising Real Housewife (à la carcass out) — we find out that she’s essentially a kept woman. This older boyfriend not only doesn’t appear onscreen, but his face is forebodingly censored in photos. They have an arrangement where he spends half the year away in Miami where he dates other people and she just has to deal with it. It’s been a life of leisure for ten years, but now that she’s hit 30, she’s at a crossroads where she wants something more committed but knows he’s not changing. It’s stories like these that make me so glad women in these situations have the Real Housewives franchise as an escape route.
Next up, as we get acquainted with our new clam holders (and try to train our brains to tell them all apart), is Jo-Ellen, who has an interesting marital situation of her own. She met her husband, Gary, when they were in high school, but we soon find out that her older sister, Jen, was also into him before she stole him away. Alicia later alludes that there might have been more crossover there than Jo-Ellen tells us, and while she’s at it teases some swinging rumors — but we have a whole season to get into that so let’s pace ourselves. It’s by way of Jo-Ellen that we also get the first feud of the series, between her and Rosie.
Rosie is a former local newscaster who now hosts her own weekend lifestyle show called Rhode Trippin, a clip from which Jo-Ellen quickly points out only has 215 views (but to be fair, keep in mind how small Rhode Island is). She’s connected to the women via Alicia, and they know each other for a sacred reason: “The girl who used to do my Botox is her best friend.” Rosie has been married for a year to a man she insists is not a Frank Sinatra impersonator. Every sentence out of these women’s mouths — at least the ones I can understand — is crazier than the last. I am so grateful.
As a segment for her hit weekend show, Rosie is throwing a little beach picnic for some of the women, including her frenemy Jo-Ellen, who she hopes will be nicer than she usually is. She’s also invited Alicia and Ashley, the latter of whom you might already be familiar with if you watched her meet her Rhode Island–native husband, Jared, on Bachelor in Paradise. The couple are now influencers and the owners of a coffee shop, and Ashley seems to be struggling to find her people as an outsider in the cliquey Rhode Island community. But hey, it appears as if she’s acclimating all right to the culture after arriving at the picnic with Dunkin’ in tow.
After interviewing the “Chief Salami Officer” of a charcuterie company, Rosie (our generation’s Walter Cronkite) welcomes the women, who waste no time getting into it at the picnic table. Jo-Ellen mentions that Kelsey is going through a lot right now, and you can almost see Rosie bookmark that information for later. They circle back to it as they play a quick game of Never Have I Ever (which reveals that Jo-Ellen has done butt stuff and a threesome — a woman of the world!), when Rosie says that she thought Kelsey was a polygamist. But even on her very first episode, Jo-Ellen is a wizened Real Housewife and doesn’t bite. “I don’t know; you should ask her,” she says, not falling for the trap.
She’s annoyed that Rosie is talking shit, but Rosie thinks that’s ironic given how much shit Jo-Ellen was talking about her the last time they were all together, calling the wine she brought cheap and saying that she was so evil that even children wouldn’t like her. “I don’t think I said that to your face, but I do feel that way,” Jo-Ellen fires back. Oh, we’ve got a show on our hands. Despite making Rosie cry with that comment (which we kind of breeze right past in a surprising way), she’s still invited to Jo-Ellen’s big Fourth of July party, as is Ashley, who’s just happy to finally have friends.
But what exactly is the Fourth of July celebrating? Jo-Ellen has no idea, and her willingness to admit that on television, once again, is promising for the future of the show. In fact, I want to see her try to describe the origin of all holidays moving forward. Determined to win the hostess over, Rosie arrives with a bouquet of fireworks and a $60 bottle of Champagne, but Liz shows up with something even more valuable: Dolores Catania.
The nearly identical pair (we soon find out that they share a plastic surgeon and dentist, which explains a lot) first met at a cannabis convention, and now Dolores conveniently has a summer rental in Rhode Island that coincides with filming. The vibe I’m getting from this casting is that Dolores is like the show’s mentor or midwife, providing guidance to these newbie Housewives as they birth this series. And she jumps into that role seamlessly, listening intently as Jo-Ellen tells Kelsey about what was said at the picnic and helping the story along by encouraging the hostess to greet Rosie.
Kelsey is clearly in the inaugural hot seat. But listen, when you join a Real Housewives cast while your boyfriend is very openly in Miami with his other girlfriend, that attention shouldn’t come as a surprise. Nonetheless, she’s not thrilled, but when she confronts Rosie, Rosie is able to masterfully get out of it like Luann de Lesseps slipping out of a pair of handcuffs. She was just innocently wondering, Rosie explains, before flipping the script and saying that Jo-Ellen was actually the first to bring up the hard time she’s going through. These are masters at work and stars who don’t need to waste any time finding their sea legs.
We’re just one episode in, and think about what we’re already working with: a stalled nine-year engagement, reluctant polyamory, spouses related to one another, a flop lifestyle show, swinging accusations after stealing her sister’s man, and an always crying Bachelor contestant. And there’s still one more Housewife who we haven’t even met yet, who I pray to God has a pet frog.
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Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.
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