Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 40-year-old woman, and I live on the East Coast.

My mother, age 68, lives in the Midwest and loves to visit me on my birthday. Not the week before or after, but right ON my birthday. I normally love having my mom visit, and I love planning things for us to do, but I can’t help feeling that by insisting on visiting on my birthday makes it more about her than about what I want or need.

It’s a lot of work for me when she comes, too: I have to get the house ready and play host all week, not to mention take time off work. She recently came on a big milestone birthday, and so instead of spending the day with my husband, I spent it with her, and he and I celebrated the following weekend. My husband and I both felt resentful, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I let it slide. Since then, I have gently suggested that in the future she visit some other time during my birthday month, and she did seem a little hurt. She is getting older and feels she may not have much time left, which could be true! Do I let this continue or hold the line?

—Dutiful Daughter

Dear Dutiful,

Repeat after me: I am an adult with my own life to live. I am absolutely entitled to celebrate my birthday however the hell I want to.

I Walked in on My Dad and His Girlfriend in a Compromising Position. Now They’re the Ones Making It Weird.

What you gently suggested was just fine. I would knock off the gentle suggestions, however. It’s not going to get you anywhere. Instead, tell her, straight out, “I love you, and I love having you visit. But not on my birthday, not anymore.” Your mother should never have been hijacking your adult birthdays. For that matter, she shouldn’t have hijacked any of them: When you’re a child, you should have the sort of party you want to have, not your mother’s idea of the perfect party (why does something tell me that she’s been dictating the terms of your birthday celebrations your whole life?). When you’re grown up, your mother doesn’t “get” you for your birthday—not unless that’s what you want.

If her feelings are hurt (and they will be), so be it. She will have to deal with it. That’s not your job any more than accommodating her needs around your birthday is. Don’t let her manipulate you. And for heaven’s sake, if your 68-year-old mother is saying she “may not have much time left,” unless she has a terminal illness you haven’t mentioned, the only appropriate response is a dramatic rolling of your eyes. (Seriously, why would you say, “This could be true!”)

Signed, a 71-year-old mother who hopes to have plenty of time left, and lives like it.

—Michelle

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My husband “Arthur” and I have been married for two years (together for four). Arthur has two daughters, aged 12 and 14, with his ex-wife “Wanda.” The girls live with Arthur and me every other weekend. The older daughter, “Sophia,” has always been standoffish towards me, although she once opened up and told me she thought I was nice but she had to be “loyal” to her mother. The younger daughter, “Kate,” and I get along really well. I care about both girls and try to strike the tricky balance of being warm without forcing a motherly relationship on them. Arthur is an amazing, devoted father who is as involved in his daughters’ lives as possible, attends all their events, FaceTimes them every day, and has been fighting for years to have more time with them. Unfortunately, Wanda is very manipulative and possessive of the girls and wants them to see her as their only “real” parent.

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